why am i so scared?

"…I remember every look upon your face, the way you roll your eyes, the way you taste, you make it hard for breathing, ’cause when I close my eyes and drift away I think of you and everything’s okay I’m finally now believing…That maybe it’s true that I can’t live without you and maybe two is better than one but there’s so much time to figure out the rest of my life and you’ve already got me coming undone and I’m thinking two is better than one…"  ~Two is Better Than One by Boys Like Girls featuring Taylor Swift

I have literally been trying to write this entry for about an hour.  I’m just not sure what I want to say right now, there is just so much going on inside my head.  I guess it’s been one of those days.  For now I guess I’ll go with what is top on my mind: Quinn. 

I’m not really the possessive/jealous type. With him I am.  But the reality is it’s not jealousy that is driving me to be jealous.  It’s fear, ok, really it’s pure terror.  Terror that I know stems from the fact that 90%+ of the guys I’ve been with have been unfaithful.  And that was when we were in declared and official monogamous relationships.

Yet now I have found myself in a non-committed relationship, only we are kind of committed.  It’s so weird and complicated and half the time it doesn’t bother me and the other half it drives me completely bonkers!!  I know he’s not sleeping with anyone else.  I know he loves me.  I know both of these and see them as facts because of all of our mutual friends and the fact that if any of them had even a hint that he was seeing another girl they would rip him a new one and come tattle to me.  They also know what Quinn is like because they have known him for years.  He isn’t the kind of guy to do something because it’s ‘easier’ than an alternative.  If he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t bother to say it, he wouldn’t come visit me or call me all the time or text me all day.  

And in a clinical, detached sort of way I understand why he doesn’t want to commit.  He sees it as a way to keep from hurting me if he screws up while we are apart.  He parties on the weekends.  Not a lot and not to the point of blacking out but definitely to the point where there is the chance he will get himself into trouble, like sleeping with a girl while he is drunk and horny and lonely.  I get that, I really do.  He thinks he is protecting me by giving himself the room to screw up.

But everyone calls him my boyfriend, everyone calls me his girlfriend.  I still try to correct people.  I don’t know that he does because he hasn’t done it in front of me when people do it, at least not lately.  When we hang out we do act like a couple.  When we are apart we still kind of act like a couple.  This weekend one of his frat prospects was kind of hitting on me (I still don’t know that he was or wasn’t because he was completely trashed and I’d never spoken to him before.  But he was a sweet kid) and Quinn came over and wrapped his arms around me and was whispering into my ear, nothing dirty it was an actual conversation and he just didn’t want it overheard because it was about the prospect, and he doesn’t usually do things like that when we are around his brothers.  He’ll touch me, and sometimes kiss me and he’ll wrap his arm around my waist but this was almost like the full-on possession move that shouted "Don’t touch!"

So why am I so jealous/afraid?  Because there is nothing to stop him from sleeping with another girl just because he wants to.  He’s not tied down to me other than by his own feelings and if he got lonely enough he could choose to sleep with another girl.  And really, I wouldn’t be ‘allowed’ to be mad at him because he wouldn’t be cheating on me.  He can’t cheat if we aren’t together.

Of course I would still be mad as hell and my heart would be broken.  Just because we are not officially together doesn’t lessen what I feel for him.  It wouldn’t make it easier for me to deal with the knowledge that he had slept with someone else.  It might as well be cheating as far as my emotions are concerned. 

But I don’t know how to make him understand that.  I don’t know how to even broach the subject.  It’s been sort of a taboo topic lately because it really only leads to us fighting or at least it did when we would try to discuss it.  It’s been a while since we have so I don’t know how it would go over.  I might broach it again tonight when we talk.  We’ll see.

 

 

 

Xx