NoJoMo day 4

So I’m writing now even though it’s 8:30am because I don’t know that I’ll get to later on today.  I have to work until about 8pm and then Angel and I are supposed to hang out but I have to see whether or not she’s going to bail on me again.

I ended up not talking to Quinn at all last night.  I’m really pretty upset about it and that pisses me off more than anything.  It’s not that I’m upset about not talking to him, it’s just the whole freaking mess that my night turned into.  I had 3 panic attacks last night, in about 3-4 hour period.  I tried to call the three of my friends who know about the attacks and have helped talk me down from them in the past.  No answer, no answer, no answer.  So I finally called Jayson and talked to him and he managed to distract me.  Which only postponed the attack really.  Then he had to go because he had company over so he couldn’t just blow them off to talk to me.   I felt the attack coming back and I tried calling everyone again (other than Jayson) and still got no answer.  I finally passed out and I must have slept horribly because I am exhausted but I still have all this nervous, twitchy energy like I did yesterday.  I think it’s from running.  I think I have too much energy now from running and all the endorphins and whatever.  I think it screwed up my system.  If I actually did PMS, that’s what I would have thought I was doing yesterday.  Except of course I don’t really PMS, I’m in the middle of my cycle, and I had too much energy instead of lethargy.  But I had really bad mood swings all day and all this restless energy.  And I still feel it.  And I have to go to work, which makes me even more freaked out.  I don’t need to have one at work today.  I only work today, it’s my only day on the schedule until next Monday.  I need to make it through today somehow but I have no idea how I’m going to do that.  I’m scared to try and go running again to burn off the energy.  What if it only makes it worse?  What if instead of burning off the energy, it gives me even more?  What if it just makes my hormones even more imbalanced?  This sucks!!!  I’m not going running anymore this week.  I had planned on running tomorrow while my brother was in class but now I think there is no flipping way.  I might run again next Tuesday and then see how I feel after that.  Maybe I need to make sure I take a day off in between sessions, I don’t know.  I just don’t fucking know right now.

Depression and OCD and panic disorder are never a good combination but apparently adding a runner’s high to the mix is about as bad as adding alcohol.  At least for me it is worse since alcohol has never effected me like this.  I just don’t know how I will get through today yet.  I just hope I get through it right now.

Xx