finding the track again

So I’ve noticed something and probably a couple other readers of mine have.  I come across as very negative, very boy crazy, and very, well, a lot of things.  I don’t mean to and the reality is I’m not any of those things.  But like a lot of people I write to vent, to work through things, to express either the good or (more often unfortunately) the bad thing that happen in my life. 

"Sh!t happens, but mostly to me so don’t worry."

Yeah that’s pretty much how I feel about my life sometimes.  When it rains on me, it freaking pours.  I can never have just one thing go wrong, it always escalates.  Maybe a bunch of little things, maybe something bigger.  But eventually it always snowballs.  I try to fight it, I try to keep positive.  Even when I am positive though, it still happens.  And yet I still manage to stay positive fairly often.  I wish that came across in my entries.  If you could see the notes I leave other diarists you’d be able to tell that I give great positive words of advice or comfort or just positivity, lol.  Unfortunately yes, I can be a very negative person.  It comes from years of battling depression.  It doesn’t cycle, it doesn’t come and go, it’s fairly constant.  Yes some days (weeks, or months) are better than others but at least once a month I get really down and in a funk over something (and no it doesn’t usually coincide with PMS, it’s not predictable, I can’t calculate when my next attack will happen).  Then of course there are the panic attacks which have become less frequent since graduating but are still happening.  They’re only less frequent because I’m not dealing with people as much, or about all the deadlines of stuff.  Now they happen only when I get really emotionally worked up.  Which I did last weekend when Quinn and I got into a fight over something that was ridiculously stupid.  We worked through it but I ended up making myself sick before then.  It wasn’t pleasant.  Now I don’t have insurance so even if I wanted to try and see a therapist about getting something to help with the depression or the anxiety I can’t.  It sucks but that’s my reality.  I’m having to deal with it the way I’ve always dealt with it.  Just riding it out.  And that’s no picnic trust me.  Riding out a panic attack is like trying to breathe underwater for me.  I end up in these huge coughing fits because my throat closes up and I can’t breathe and thankfully my body won’t let me suffocate myself to death and I start coughing like I’m going to lose a lung and then I can breathe semi-normally again.

I never remembered to tell the latest drama with Ven, the crazy almost-stalker friend of mine from forever ago now it seems.  We met a couple years ago, hung out a few times when I was home from school, ended up hooking up once.  The guy basically never left me alone after that no matter how I tried to get him to.  I would never talk to him except when he contacted me and even then I basically acted like a bitch.  I never called him.  When he wanted to hang out I would find an excuse not to (not hard while I was at school or in Florida).  I didn’t like him once I’d really gotten to know him.  He was a jerk, a self-professed swinger, he didn’t care about my feelings at all, always wanted to hook up (why I never hung out with him), and basically treated me like crap.  But I’m not the kind of person who can just go "Eff you, leave me alone" for some reason.  I can’t stand confrontation or conflict and it physically upsets me (ie-panic attacks like I mentioned before).  Well he is now supposedly going to never speak to me again.  We were IMing and he was trying to convince me to come hang out and I was doing the usual to not go.  Finally he said "you know what, she was right, you are a bitch, that’s the last time i stand up for you".  Ummm, ok.  First of all, we have only 1 mutual friend in common, yes it is a she, but we haven’t talked in ages either.  Second, I highly doubt she would call me a bitch because that I know of I have never done anything to her and in fact when we do talk we are on extremely good terms.  We were fairly close friends back in high school even though we were a grade apart.  So I don’t think she’d say anything bad about me.  I also highly doubt that Ven would stand up for me anyway because he’s, well, a jerk who thinks he is always right.  This all went through my mind in the few seconds after I read what he said.  Before I could respond he signed off, again, only seconds after writing.  So I immediately realized what was going on.  He was trying to provoke me into a fight.  He wanted me to IM/text him, demanding who had talked trash about me, what had been said, what did he mean by that, etc etc.  And that is when I realized he had never learned anything about me in the past 3 years we’ve known each other.  I don’t care what other people say about me.  Let them run their mouths behind my back and talk whatever trash they feel like.  People who actually know me know better and people with half a brain know better than to believe gossip.  They go to the source and find out for themselves.  This is how I have lived since high school so it is not some new development Ven may or may not have known happened.  Understandably it really irked me to see how little he had bothered to understand or get to know me after all.  And if he really wanted my attention he should have gone about it quite differently since his usual brand (like this stunt) has never really worked.  Instead all he managed to do was piss me off.  I don’t like being played games with and I won’t put up with it.  Subsequently I deleted him from my buddy list and my phone.  If I had thought about it before I deleted him I would have blocked him too but I’m not sure if it would have stayed once I deleted him and I didn’t want to ever see his name on my buddy list again so he had to go.

And some people like Gibby are complaining that when I go to visit at Uni they never see me or know that I’m in town.  Well for starters the last 2 times I went I didn’t know if I was going or not until I was getting ready to leave and then I posted on my FB and Twitter status that I was coming.  Other people noticed and immediately started texting me trying to get together.  Gibby did not.  She doesn’t call me or text me or write on my FB wall or anything though I have written on hers several times.  Plus last weekend I went down for Quinn’s birthday, and as such I was pretty much with him all weekend except for a few hours I spent with Irish because she made time and effort to see me.  She knew I was coming and she started blowing up my phone basically.  I can’t do but so much.  Eventually the other person in your relationship has to make some effort too and unfortunately my Big Sis is just not pulling her weight right now IMO but she complained to Quinn about it.  Um, first of all, instead of complaining to my quasi-non-boyfriend, whydon’t you try calling me?  Novel concept I’m sure.  On top of that, she flat out lied to Quinn’s face.  She claims to have been faithful to her boyfriend when Quinn and I both know that is NOT the case because one of the guys she was with over the summer was Jayson!!!!  He admitted to us at my party what had happened.  We made him because we knew something was bothering him all day and it upset me (conflict again! see it ruins all of my life now) that he was obviously bothered by something and not having fun at my party no matter what I did to try and draw him into the fun.  So he confessed and made us swear not to tell a soul.  Honestly, I love my Big Sis to death, but she’s kind of a slut, not gonna lie.  And her boyfriend goes to a different school several hours away.  I’m pretty sure she’s not being faithful to him right now either.  Quinn insinuated as much but wouldnt tell me anything.  But my Big does this thing.  She doesn’t want to increase her number (ie-the number of guys she’s slept with) so she keeps going to the same guys whenever she gets horny.  2 of those guys go to Uni and one is in Quinn’s frat and has kind of a big mouth.  So yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s happening all over again.  Not sure what, if anything, I will do about it yet.  I may try posting on her FB wall again or something since I don’t know when I’ll go back to Uni for a visit.  

I’m trying to go back the weekend of Oct 2-4 because it’s Oktoberfest weekend.  Mom is not in favor saying I will be working.  I’m pretty sure even if I got the job i wouldn’t be working already by then.  First off, I have 1 more interview before I’ll even hear whether or not I’ve been hired.  The manager for that interview is out of town so it probably won’t happen in the next few days, plus it’s the weekend.  If I’m lucky I’ll hear back next week about an interview.  Then of course after the interview I will have to wait for them to finish interviewing and reviewing candidates.  If I’m really lucky I might hear back from them by that weekend but I highly doubt I will start training before the week after that.  If I don’t end up working that weekend I’m basically begging her to let me go.  I love, love, love Uni Oktoberfest.  All the booths, the live bands, the parties, lol.  It would be soooo wonderful to go.  So I’m working on my mom a little every day about going.  Cross your fingers please!

This weekend I might actually have plans.  Angel is moving into a house with her boyfriend.  She has to go pick up some things from her ex-husbands house tomorrow morning and doesn’t want to go by herself, understandably.  So she has asked me to go with her.  Then I will be heading to her new place, maybe helping her move a little bit too tomorrow or else just hanging out.  But it’s cool.  I haven’t seen Angel in months now.  In fact I haven’t actually seen her since the suicide.  It’s weird to think that was almost a year ago now.  Dec 1 will be a year.  Wow. . . .

Quinn saw his ex, the B!tch tonight too.  She and Jayson are apparently f@ck buddies or something.  They’ve dated a few times (much to Quinn’s intense displeasure) but they aren’t right now.  Jayson went and picked her up from her school and drove her back here tonight.  Quinn went and ate dinner with them.  I was a little antsy about it.  I’ll give the full story I guess, makes things easier.  Quinn asked if I knew if Jayson was going to pick up the B!tch.  I said I didn’t know anything, no one really bothers to talk to me these days (sad but true).  He texted me a little later saying Jayson had gone to get the whore.  I made a sarcastic remark.  A few texts later he told me he’d been dreaming about her, and in his dreams they were f@cking.  Not having sex, f@cking and yes there is a difference in our vernacular.  Sex is sex but f@cking is hard-core, take-no-prisoners rough sex with the works.  We texted a little more.  I’m not going to lie, the fact that he was dreaming about f@cking his ex was more than a little disturbing.  Apparently it was disturbing to him too because this dream has been happening all week and waking him up.  Almost as soon as it starts he jerks awake.  He called me on his way over to Jayson’s and we talked about it.  He told me he hated having the dreams and always woke up from them feeling gross and disgusted because he can’t stand her.  He called me after their dinner and said he still hates her guts, she’s still a b!tch and he wants nothing to do with her and is going to be avoiding Jayson while she is visiting this weekend.  I’m not sure what to make of the dreams but hopefully they stop if not tonight then soon.  I know he’s been really stressed and really angry the last few weeks, dealing with crap he shouldn’t have to.  People at Uni have been running their mouth about him to people, calling him manwhore and that’s the campus slut and has been with every girl at Uni.  All of which is total bull.  He’s slept with 5 girls, total, and I know personally all but one and the one I don’t want to know either cause I might slap her.  And he has not even messed around with that many girls at Uni.  He’ll be the first to tell you, when he was younger he was basically a whore who didn’t have sex.  He messed around with pretty much every girl he met but just never had sex with them.  He has since grown up and doesn’t want to do stuff like that because it doesn’t make him happy anymore, not that it made him really all that happy when he was doing that.  But that guy ended up dying after having gone through a whole bunch of bullcrap that made him grow up whether he liked it or not.  Quinn doesn’t hide this sh!t from me and I know things about him I’d really rather not know, not because they disgust me or anything, but just because I’d rather claim ignorance of them in a court of law if it came around.  Yeah, that kind of stuff, the illegal stuff is in there too. 

Quinn is out drinking now, a typical Friday night at college in other words.  He’ll probably call me later drunk lol.

Ok, I think this entry had gone on quite long enough.  I’m pretty much talked out too.  I think I covered the pertinent topics at least but now I’m already forgetting what I did and didn’t write about.  Typical me lol.

Xx