this is getting so old::Edit::
I’m feeling myself sinking back into that dark pit in the center of my world. It’s like a giant hole that I spend all my energy trying to walk around without falling in and I’m falling again. I can’t keep this up. It can’t be healthy for me on any level. But I don’t know what to do. I just feel so alone and lost.
I still have no job. It doesn’t seem to matter where I apply or how many places I go to. I can’t find anything. I even started looking for jobs down in University Town. I know my friends would let me crash at their places until I made enough money to start paying rent on my own place and down there it’s cheaper rent than up here. But there just aren’t any jobs that I’m qualified for. Every place wants experience. Some of them flat out say "no recent graduates" which shoots me right out of the running. How are you supposed to get experience when no one will hire you?? And I don’t want to take some crap job ‘in the meanwhile’ like my mom keeps telling me to. There are SOOOO many ‘what I could have done’ stories that all start because someone gets a job that has nothing to do with what they really want to do in life and then they end up getting stuck there. I want to do something with my life but I can’t yet and it pisses me off!!! It just makes me so angry at everyone! All those lucky bastards that have jobs and didn’t even have to work for them (no pun intended). I hate this town and I hate being stuck in this house with my ridiculous family. Yes I love them but I’m tired of being here. It’s not healthy for me to be here because I keep ending up as the Mom figure somehow. I’m the one running my own mom to all her doctors appointments and surgeries. I take my brother to school. I run all the errands. I cook dinner. I clean the house. I’m not a mom and I don’t want to be one! I can’t even take care of myself and I’m being made to take care of everyone else it seems like. I need to get the hell away from here and fast but I can’t figure out how!!! I need a job and I can’t freaking find one. I’ve looked all over town, I’ve gone online to Careerbuilder and the Gov website. NOTHING!!! WTF??? What else am I supposed to do? I don’t think it’s asking too much to have a job that’s at least in my field.
As for my personal life, things are still exactly where they were 2 weeks ago. I have almost no friends here. One of them is getting ready to move into a new house and offered to rent a room to me for $350/month but I don’t even have that so it still wouldn’t help me. I feel like I got pulled out of my life and dropped into someone else’s. I don’t belong here. I belong at University with my friends, the people I care about, the people I belong to. I want to be back there soooo badly it is a physical ache every day.
And I’m becoming convinced that I am dying slowly each day that I have to go on living like this. How can anyone live like this? How can the people around me not see how truly unhappy I am? Even if they saw how unhappy I am they wouldn’t do anything to help. My mom would just say I need to get over it, I graduated and it’s time to move on with my life. I’ve tried to make her understand how I feel and she just doesn’t get it. This isn’t just post-graduation blues. I’ve had those before, I’ve done the ‘graduation now move on’ thing twice already. This is so much deeper than that. This is like losing everything and not knowing how to get any of it back.
I got a call from Best Buy about 1pm today. They asked me to come in for an interview at 11:30am tomorrow. I know I should be happy but I’m not. Yes it’s a job and that’s a good thing but it’s really a crappy job and I’ll have to work crappy hours. I also won’t be able to be off on the weekends which was something I was really hoping for. I don’t like being here. I like being at University so I want to be able to go and visit as often as possible. I know it’s sad to admit but I really want to be able to see Quinn more often. At least if I have a job I might be able to get him to come visit more often too by being able to pay for his gas for the trip. It would suck though that I’d probably have to work while he was here. I don’t know what to do just yet. I guess I really should be excited for the interview and try to get the job at least as a start. And I’d get discounts on stuff that I’d like and would actually use. *sigh* Guess we’ll see.