time to spare
So I have a few minutes to an hour that I have to kill and I managed to mislay my book for the moment so I figured I would browse and maybe update. Um, especially since my last entry was, well, bleak to put it nicely. Things have improved a lot since then thankfully. Ok well not a lot but they have improved. My mood is definitely better and things with Quinn are resolved, mostly.
He ended up IMing me late late on Sunday, like around midnight or so. I was offline but of course, miracle of AIM you get offline IMs when you sign back in. He basically said that I need to get over him and put him someplace in my life where he doesn’t effect my day to day life so much. And he broke up with the girl because he acknowledged he was dating her for all the wrong reasons and it wasn’t fair to anyone. He apologized but not for the things he said but I know Quinn and in part, for right now, he’s not ready to apologize. Part of it has to do with that he feels in his way that I antagonized him and in a way I did. I didn’t do it on purpose it’s just that my way of dealing with conflict is to keep pushing through until there is a resolution and his is to ignore it. So yeah. For right now I have let it go and so has he. He did say he felt really badly for how he acted. I pointed out to him that my depression is not wholly and solely because of him. It is a combination of all the other crap that has fallen apart in my life too. He was just the last straw that pushed me over the edge. And it wasn’t even him dating another girl that did it. I knew when we broke up that it could and most likely would happen at least once. No, what bothered me was the way he was acting, ie, that he was acting so unlike himself and that he wouldn’t open up and tell me what was really wrong. So I told him to basically get over himself. And I guess that was the right thing to say because it opened up communication again. The funny/ironic/sad thing is that we basically are still acting like a couple when we talk but not really. We spent 5+ hours on the phone yesterday (Monday lol) just talking like we always did including the companionable silences while we both did our own things until one of us made a comment on something.
Today my friend Joyce texted me asking what my plans were and if I wanted to hang out and then go to karoake. I said sure why not, since I know I have to get a life sooner or later, why not sooner? Well I went, I had a drink or two, ran into a very very frustrating ex of mine (thus the alcohol actually) and I texted Quinn saying Yay alcohol! Now I’m not a heavy drinker and rarely ever actually drink. So usually if I say something like that people go umm, why? Well he didn’t get the text because he was playing video games with his roomies in the living room and his phone was charging in his room. He got it and immediately called me but I was on stage singing. So I called him back and we talked for a while and he told me to call him when I got home so he knew I made it home safe. Now I did not get drunk, I wasn’t even tipsy by any stretch. And I got home and called him back and we talked for another good 15 or so minutes. This whole situation is just so..vexing really. I mean I understand what’s going on and I respect his need to get his head straight and sort out his feelings. But at the same time it’s just like "You do realize your actions should tell you more clearly than anything how you feel right?" I’m the last person he talks to before he goes to sleep, always pretty much unless we are fighting or one of us has plans or something. And half the time even then, like tonight. He was practically asleep on the phone with me but he wanted me to call when I got home and instead of just being like ok, glad you got home, night; he sat on the phone with me for 15 minutes just listening to me talk and offering little sounds like uh huh and okay. And he would have stayed on the phone until he fell asleep (which he has done before) but I told him he sounded exhausted and he has an 8am so he needs to go to bed before he falls alseep on the phone. So we finally said goodnight. I’m not going to bother pointing out any of this to him. Even if I did he’d just end up trying to fight it or deny it. Like every guy, you just can’t point out the simple things. They insist on making matters seem so much more complicated than they really should be. And there is no point arguing with them because you won’t win. Or at least no one I know has ever won that fight. Not even another guy pointing it out. So no, I’m just going to do what I can for now to just be his friend. I won’t ask for more, I won’t pressure for more. I’ll focus on getting a job and trying to have a life and just doing what I do.
Ok well Joyce is here now, she is crashing her for the night rather than driving the 45 or so minutes home, understandable since she had several drinks (not enough to be drunk for her but enough that a 45 min drive at 2am is not a smart idea). I guess I said all I really needed to say for now too. If I think of anything else I can edit or just make a new entry. =)
Night!