slump
I haven’t updated in weeks. I know, bad me. Life has been hectic but that’s not the real reason I haven’t updated. The truth is I’m in a slump. Not a sex-slump, not a work-slump, not even an I’m-sick-slump. I’m in an emotional slump. I think I’m falling into a blue funk. Big ol’ depressed me. Yeah I have plenty to be non-depressed about. I have a loving (if insane and overly annoying) family. I have great friends even if lately I don’t feel like I have them I know if I called they’d answer. I have a great guy who loves me and who I love too.
But lately I’m just so blank, drained. Even my mom has noticed that I’m in a funk. She asked me today if I was ok and I asked her why she asked. She said "You seem depressed". This from my mom, the woman who any time I start to get emotional tells me to stop being dramatic. I had to admit to myself that something is definitely off with me. I sleep a lot, I’m tired all the time, then I’m up at all hours of the night. I have a hard time getting motivated to do anything or go anywhere, even to get dressed. I haven’t finished cleaning and unpacking. I know I really need to especially since I’m supposed to have friends over on Saturday for a belated birthday get together. But everytime I start thinking about it I look around and then think "Forget it, tomorrow, maybe." I read two books. One was good the other not so much. It was about the total of all I got accomplished since Monday.
Quinn and I have been rocky lately. No break-up but some pretty close calls. It’s hard. The summer is coming to an end and really it’s been a total waste. It’s been hard the last couple weeks only seeing each other on weekends. Particularly on Quinn who is still on the verge of being a commitment-phobe. Understandable since he spent the last two years of his life in a pretty serious relationship. Not that I’m rushing to be in a super-serious relationship either. I mean, there are times when he and I talk about ‘us’ in a long-term way and we’ve both tried to stop doing that but sometimes it just happens between us. And it’s not even that either of us really are thinking in of ‘us’ in the long-term. It’s that both of us are just sort of those people, we like to conjecture about the future, think about all the possibilities. And yeah Florida was a huge test for us but in a way him going back to school will be worse. Yeah it’s closer than Florida (a helluva lot closer) but it will be more difficult because he’ll be surrounded by people, he’ll be going out with his brothers, he’ll have soccer and football, and of course classes. He won’t have the weekends free all the time and neither will I (hopefully once I get a freaking job) and it’s a 2 hour drive anyway, not the 30-45 minute one now. We’re both getting the "OMG what’s gonna happen now?" heebie jeebies and freaking out. I’m just better at hiding my freak outs because I’m used to doing just that. Quinn vocalizes his freak outs. Me, I know they’ll pass, either we’ll work through this or we won’t. I feel like we’re strong enough to make it through this. We may have to go back to being friends for a while when he is at school. But I don’t know yet. I just know that letting my worries get in the way of what makes me happy isn’t going to make things better. So I just bite my tongue, talk myself down and move on with my life. It’s not easy but I manage. But it doesn’t help Quinn. He doesn’t know what to do, how to act. He talks to me and yes it hurts me sometimes but I’d rather us both be honest and me get hurt because he’s telling me how he feels than he say nothing. If he doesn’t talk to me, we can’t fix things. If he talks we at least get a chance to fix things, and often we do. It’s a slow process but any progress is good.
Ok, I think I have about worn out what little energy I managed to work up today. Maybe I’ll try and write more tomorrow, we’ll see.
~*~*~Blessed Be~*~*~
