butterflies in my tummy

I’m nervous.  I know I shouldn’t be.  And sadly I’m nervous because class starts tomorrow afternoon.  I still don’t have a new job.  Which pisses me off.  A lot.  But there isn’t much I can do about it that I’m not already doing.  So I gotta keep doing it.  I have to drive an hour 4 days a week now to get to class.  Which really sucks with gas being so expensive and me not having a job and all.

B came up Saturday.  It was nice.  We went down to the river and swam for a little while.  Then we got some lunch.  We went home and watched tv and cuddled for a long time, we were killing time until 7 when we were supposed to go over to Angel’s.  She ended up messaging me saying to wait a little longer because she needed to hop in the shower.  So we got there about 8 instead.  We all hung out (me, B, Angel and her hubby).  Mostly we played Rockband which was fun.  They all were drinking a bit.  I had a drink that was it since I knew I’d be driving us both home.  Then I got a text from Joyce saying she was downstairs at the bar.  So me, B, and Angel all went down there.  But B and I were both kind of tired so we didn’t stay too long.

But I learned something Saturday night.  Apparently B gets more emotional and opens up when he’s been drinking.  He was very touchy and he was much more relaxed.  We were just talking and joking around.  Then out of nowhere he goes "Do you love me?"  I was of course stunned.  I said that I refused to talk to him about it because he was drunk and I didn’t feel it was a prudent discussion with a guy who constantly claims he doesn’t know what he wants.  I also don’t want to even think about the possibility of deeper emotions right now, for the aforementioned reasons.  But even hours later, when he had sobered up a bit he still was harping about it.  FInally it came to it that he said "You just don’t want to be the first to say it is that it?" and I said "Damn right I won’t be the first to say it, I refuse to, especially when it involves a guy that says he doesn’t know what he wants from me."

My life in a nutshell is that it sucks.  My grandfather is doing ok.  Mom is grumpy but ok.  My aunt and my godsister were supposed to come up this week but my godsister ended up getting chickenpox.  So maybe next week or the week after.  It’ll be nice to see them but I don’t like that I still won’t have a job probably and that will mean I won’t be able to do much.

It doesn’t help that now I’ll be in school 4 days a week in the middle of the day.  If I get a job for the weekends I’ll never really be able to see B which upsets me.  If I don’t have money of my own I can’t go down to see him.  My family will give me money to go to school and that will be it.  But if B has a day off one of the days I have class then I won’t get to see him anyway because he is an hour away in the opposite direction.  : (

*sigh*