fail….

So it’s been a few days.  I am sitting in my sister’s room using her computer because there is no ‘free’ internet.  She’s on campus still.  I’ve ended up staying with her.  After a very long story.

So I made it to Lexi’s in record time, only an hour and a half as opposed to the expected 2 hours but then again I didn’t hit any traffic.  There were no problems in fact.  Hung out at Lexi’s for about an hour then had to hit the road again to go to class.  Ended up getting in the wrong lane at one point and had to floor it to catch up to speed of traffic as I tried to merge back over.  Apparently that was the wrong thing to do.  My car decided to crap out…again.  *cries*  So I had to fight with it the remaining half hour as I drove to campus.  Might I just say that it is terrifying to be in a completely unfamiliar area when your car is trying to commit suicide.  I ended up getting even more lost as time went on because I kept having to pull off the road to kill the engine.  I ended up not getting to class.  I was so hysterical and lost I had no idea where I was much less how to get to my school.  So my sister ended up coming to my rescue because her school is about 30 minutes away from mine.  So I told her how I remembered getting to the Walmart (whose parking lot I was sitting in) and she came and I followed her back to her place.  Where I proceeded to have a complete nervous breakdown.  Which I’m pretty sure isn’t over.

I feel like complete crap.  I feel like a guest, an outsider.  I don’t have a bed, or anyplace to put my clothes.  I can’t even use MY computer.  I don’t even have a place to park, I’m having to park at one of her friends houses like 15 minutes away.  And that’s a 15 minute drive not a 15 minute walk. 

I have to take that stupid car and get it looked out tomorrow which is going to suck because I still have class in the evening.  If all else fails apparently she’s driving me to class or something.

And B was supposed to come see me tonight but I don’t think he will be.  See he was supposed to be off tomorrow and we were going to go to the beach and just hang out.  But I do have class.  So instead he’s going to pick up a shift tomorrow night and then be off Thursday.  And instead of going to the beach we are going to Busch Gardens.  Which will be nice I’m hoping.  Except I’m feeling kind of sick again.  My sister’s apartment was freaking cold last night!  Doesn’t help that my freaking immune system is in the toilet and I’ve already been told I need to have my tonsils removed and until I do I will probably keep getting sick.

And I need to get a job.  But of course there’s the problem of I don’t want to be in this fawking city!  I hate this city.  But I don’t really want to live with Lexi because it’s not all that much better really.  At least I doubt it will be since I don’t think I’d have my own room or anything.  It’d probably still be the same thing there that it is here.

What I’d really like is either to be home or at a place that feels more like home.  Like at B’s.  Problem is that B lives 2 hours away from my campus.  It’s just completely illogical to live with him over the summer.  Not to mention all that crap that is still going on between the two of us.  No he still isn’t sure what he wants apparently. :   No, actually, he knows what he wants he’s just scared of it.  He’s afraid that it’ll fail and he’ll be hurt because we can’t make the distance work.  Like I don’t worry about the same stuff or something!  *rolls eyes*

I just feel like we belong together and he feels it too.  It scares me and confuses me but I’m not going to try and bury my head in the sand and ignore it.

I just feel like I have so much going on in my life and none of it is under my contol, none of it I get a say in.  I mean, yes I had a say in taking the class but really if I didn’t I’d be at University an extra semester…for ONE CLASS!  I mean, how dumb would that be?  I’d have to postpone graduating for 6 months for one fawking class.  That’s just ridiculous on a whole new level.  So it is just easier to take the class in 2 months over the summer and not have to worry about all of that (hopefully, everyone cross your fingers and pray for me).  But because of this stupid class I had to leave my home and most of my friends behind as well as my job.  I’m farther away from B.  And my car is commiting suicide again.  All around so far this has proven to be a terrible decision.  Maybe I should just withdraw and stay at University the other 6 months…although that means I’d have to rearrange my whole schedule for the fall…

*sigh*  Why is life so fawking complicated?