†êår§ åñÐ låµgh§

Mary’s funeral was definitely the closure I needed to be able to truly accept her passing.  Ok, really it was the wake afterwards that sealed it.  Talking and laughing and telling stories about her with her friends and family was a great experience.  Obviously the circumstances could have been better but for what it was it was a very joyous event, a celebration of her life and all the lives she touched.

On another note, I saw M last night.  It was…well, I’m not sure what it was.  On the one hand it was nice but on the other hand I’m doing that pulling-away thing I do.  I see him and I see all these things in him that aren’t ‘up to standard’ I suppose.  Does it change that he’s a great guy?  No.  He’s still a great guy.  I just have reached that infamous point after which I meet people and go "Do I actually want to be with him?"  I’m too picky.  I’m just too damned picky!  So he’s not drop-dead gorgeous, who cares?!  So he slouches while he walks…so he wears his clothes a little funny…so he’s a bit…furry…So what if he doesn’t smell like he just got out of the shower all the time!?

See what I mean?  There’s these things about him that make me wonder if I actually want to be with him or if I’m just looking for someone to be there and fill the void even if they aren’t what I want.  I say this because well…there’s no utz.  That little kick in your stomach when someone you want walks in the room and you just immediately want to wrap yourself around them like a cat looking to be petted.  I don’t feel that for M.  And so many people keep telling me "You have to be patient, sometimes it takes time for those feelings to be there."  Honestly I’ve tried being patient, the feelings never get there.  The only time they are there is if things actually start moving down that aisle and he’s normally leading the way and I’m just being pulled along.  But even then we get a few steps in and I realize my body is responding but I’m not.  My brain is still fully cognizant, it’s totally aware of everything: the ticking of the clock, the show on tv, the fact that my toes are cold, all of it.  When he touches me my brain doesn’t shut off like it normally would if you were starting to get in the mood.  My brain keeps going, full tilt like nothing is going on.  With Geo last weekend, when we were dancing, my brain was already shutting down, the hormones were kicking up and all systems were gearing to go if you catch my drift.  With M…nothing.  I kiss him and I feel nothing but affection.  There’s no passion.  Which is why I haven’t rushed into anything with him, which is why I keep him at arms length, just talking and never trying for more.  It’s why I keep telling him that I want to take things slow so that maybe the passion will be there.  M is a great catch and I don’t want to let this opportunity slip through my hands but I also don’t want to be selfish and hurt him in any way.

Dammit!!!  Why is my life so freaking complicated!???!