…and it rains…

So my day has been one pretty big ol’ good time.  Watched all mah babies win their matches (yay!), passed Ochem with flying colors (even though one of my really good friends and my Ochem buddy –the Frick to my Frack(inside joke)– got an F.  Haven’t figured out how that happened when she was only maybe 5-7 points behind me a few weeks back.  I think it’s because she just gave up at that point, not seeing any way to pull her grade up to passing.  We all know I’m stubborn as he# and won’t just roll over and die because it looks tough.  *growls like a mean-girl (although we know I ain’t lol)*  So I pulled out my B but I don’t know if any of MY friends from class will still be there…*tear*  I don’t wanna be all alone in class.  Frick won’t be in the same lab as me already, she signed up for Friday and I signed up for Thursday…*sniffles pitifully* 

And many of you will be happy to hear, there will be no more issues with Ven, at least not for the moment.  Apparently he has started dating someone.  Don’t know when that happened, I’m assuming sometime between now and our last conversation when he was still planning on trying to molest me the next time we hung out.  If it was before then I have a strange feeling things won’t work out, wonder why…*droll look* 

I don’t know how I feel about it…

On the one hand I’m hurt…but on the other it’s a relief that now it doesn’t matter what he did or didn’t want…but on the other hand I feel like I just got set up to be the fall-guy….Is my life worse off for all this?  No.  At least not in any way that I can foresee in the immediate future.  It just means apparently I’m not getting any over break…which isn’t a huge thing anyway as I could never really enjoy sex without meaning attached to it (not that it wasn’t fun, it just wasn’t as enjoyable).  Although in hindsight I can’t really say that any of my sex had real meaning attached to it.  After all, let’s not forget the guy I gave my heart and body to in the first place, the boy I thought I was going to marry, the boy who had asked me to marry him turned out to be a lying, x-timing(still no definite number known), sack o’ crap.  And every guy after that (including the ones I genuinely cared about) were really no better than him.  So thinking about it from a sort of detached perspective, Ven is just like every other guy I’ve ever known.  He’s manipulative, a bit deceitful, arrogant, self-absorbed, thoughtless, hypocritical, and a complete effing coward.  He’s never had the balls to be honest with me although he’s always demanded and coerced honesty out of me, even when I just wanted to not talk about it.

I just made myself sound like a liar but that’s not what I meant.  I don’t like complaining, at least not in a normal conversation.  I also don’t like telling people what I’m really thinking because to be honest sometimes it’s not very pleasant.  I have an extremely deviant mind and not just in the sexual way.  I contemplate running my car into oncoming traffic, not because I have a death wish, just because I want to know what would happen.  Every time I go over a bridge I think along the same lines.  It’s more like a (very) morbid curiosity to know just how close to death I can come without actually dying.  Would I ever actually do those things?  Not on purpose, maybe if I had to swerve to miss hitting someone or something along those lines.  I’m morbid not suicidal!  Jeeze. 

I also have a lot of personal issues that I just don’t want to talk about.  Issues mostly involving trust and all the varied, many complications associated with it, some of which I’m sure most people don’t think about, and certainly not to the depth that I have.  Like I don’t like sex.  Ok, that’s not entirely true but there is reasonable possibility that I could spend the rest of my life without having real sex and be perfectly fine.  I might miss it occasionally but in the long-run…not really.  I’ve never seen the big deal in the physical aspect of just having sex for the sake of sex.  Then again I’m sure sexual assault can have that affect on people. 

And the only reason I’m even mentioning this is because no one who actually knows me is on this site.  Do people in my every day life know that I was sexually assaulted?  No, because I’ve never had the strength to tell them, because I don’t want them to look at me that way…with pity or worse, with disbelief.  Yeah, I was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused.  Same guy that I talked about above.  I thought I loved him so I let him hurt me.  He never physically abused me because I think part of him realized that if he ever tried the part of me that believed his lies, that was in love with him would finally see the reality. 

I was never one to mess with physically even as a kid, people learned quickly that when push came to shove I had no problem stepping up and squashing the sh!t out of them.  Did I do it often?  No, being a bully requires too much energy and attention.  Plus then there’s all the other bullies trying to prove they’re tougher than you…too much work.  So instead I kept to myself until the fit hit the shan, at which point people found out it was better to step down.  This was also because I knew how to use the system and I had nothing to lose.  My mother always said so long as I didn’t start it, I could finish it and never get in trouble at home, and god help the school that tried to get me in trouble for defending myself.  They learned fast you don’t mess with my family.

So here I am, the emotional train-wreck before you today.  Baggage, yeah I have some.  But then who doesn’t these days?  Do I like talking about it?  He# no.  The fastest way to get me to shut up is to try and get too personal about stuff I don’t want to talk about.  Also if I start getting mad or if I’m hurting I go quiet.  I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to start crying on your shoulder, I just want to be left alone until the moment passes.  After that I’m fine.  It doesn’t mean pry into my soul because I start evading the question.  It means leave me alone, it means I don’t want or am not ready to talk about it.  If and when I am, then you’ll know.

It’s not that I don’t trust my friends and family, or the people I hang out with or date(d).  It’s just that I don’t trust them not to turn away.  I don’t trust them not to judge me as being somehow ‘less’ for my weaknesses.  I don’t trust them not to pity me or play nice with me just because they feel sorry for me.  I don’t trust them not to run when things get tough.  I don’t trust them not to start counting the scars on my body and start wondering if I really got them the way I claim to have.  I don’t trust them not to misuse my weaknesses.  I don’t trust them not to push me away when I start breaking down. 

And I don’t trust myself to be strong enough for other people when I can barely be enoughfor myself.