January 27, 2011

I had the most incredible conversation. It’s about 6 a.m. and I just got off the phone.

He’s incredible. And the situation is so bizarre– the oddest I’ve ever been in. He Facebook friended me back in July. I thought he was sort of cute, but it’s the internet so who really knows what’s true, right? Considering the meeting venue and other things I immediately thought he would be perfect for the research we’ve been working on. We chatted back and forth a couple of times, but when we realized he didn’t really meet the “criteria” of our ideal candidates, I sort of left it at that. I didn’t think much about him at all, but he continued to write and soon we began this email exchange. We would email a couple of times per month at first and as the months wore on, the emails increased. Over the last few weeks, our emails have been constant. The weird part is we never got super personal in terms of details about each other. I never even asked him his relationship status, if he had kids or any of that, nor did he ask me. We would just email these long, philosophical, thought provoking emails and our thoughts on whatever topic was at hand. Mine were ridiculous, but his… were incredible. All of this time, we never met. We never even spoke on the phone. The other night he called and we talked for over five hours. The sun came up and I had to get to work or we likely would’ve continued. We’ve spoken each night since that first. I’m not a phone person at all, but I love our conversations. I really want to talk to him again. I want to actually meet him and see if he’s as incredible as he seems.

I’m still reeling from the Brian thing though. And God help me, I cannot bear to think about another man/friend/person being interested in me for… anything other than just genuinely liking me. I think that’s part of why I feel drawn to this guy. He only knows me. He doesn’t know the family issues or the money issues or the health issues or any of it… he just knows me and I cannot begin to describe how good that feels. The thought of meeting in person actually scares me as much as it thrills me. I really, really, really don’t want him to turn into every other guy.

I also don’t want him to know that I only ever accepting his friend request and initially chatted with him because I intended to use him for research purposes. Nobody wants to know they were used. I know what that’s like. See previous paragraph.

And after this long, I can’t just tell him. I should have told him right away. At least then he could have made his own decision to either continue with me or not. But I didn’t give him that opportunity. I feel just terrible… and scared. When he finds out he will run.

So, given that and the fact that we barely know one another, I’m trying not to get carried away by reminding myself that I barely know the guy and, even though there has been six months of communication, we’ve never even met. It’s just so odd though… this connection I feel to him. It’s almost tangible. I can almost actually feel him. Maybe I’m losing my mind.

I guess I’ve just been agonizing over Brian for so long. It’s good to finally feel giddy about something again.