October 8, 2003
We just got back from a long road trip. They were doing renovations on the house so we took off to avoid the mess. Drove up to Boise, which is actually rather quaint. That surprised me. We drove to Yellowstone on the WY/MT border. I got to bottle feed a brown bear cub and it was the most adorable thing ever. I still can’t figure out exactly how I convinced them to let me do it, but I did and it was great. We ended up in Jackson Hole for a couple of days, drove back down through Cody and eventually ended up back home. This valley is beautiful. The view from the house is incredible. The people are very nice, but keep us at arms length because we’re not… you know… insane. Mark is so easily influenced though. I think if I weren’t around he would be easily swayed into being one of them. Crazy.
He still doesn’t know that I know about Christine and I’m certainly not foolish enough to think he’ll ever just come out and tell me, but it does bother me. How he can manage to have an “affair” across 2500 miles is beyond me, but whatever. I really don’t think there’s sex involved though. He isn’t the most sexual person in the world anyway and God knows if he was looking for someone to sleep with he will never find anyone more attractive than me. I think he likes her because she’s the anti-Sidney. She’s everything I’m not… loud, crude, disrespectful, unrefined, rude, classless… I do think she’s attractive, but again very different than me. She’s tall, red hair, she dresses in extremely revealing clothing even in a professional environment. She smokes, she swears, she flirts heavily and openly with anyone who will give her attention. She is the anti- me and that’s probably what draws him to her.
Who knows what will happen there and I honestly don’t really care. Maybe he’ll decide he can’t live without her and he’ll go back to Florida. Maybe I’ll eventually get tired of this BS behind my back crap and confront him. Maybe, maybe, maybe…
Now as I type this he walks in and wraps his arms around me. He tells me that he appreciates everything I do for him and that he could never make it without me… that he loves me and doesn’t understand why I ever married a clod like him. I was tempted to say I don’t know why I married you either, but I didn’t. I do love him and I care about him a lot, but we will never last. There is no passion here and I can’t live without it. I miss it so much.
Unlike him, though, I would never ever go outside of my relationship looking for someone else. I’m not happily married and I am all but certain that this will end much sooner than later, but I won’t ever even consider being with anyone if I’m not completely single. That’s really the source of my anger at him. If he wants someone else then fine, but he shouldn’t tell her he’s in love with her while wearing my wedding band on his finger. It’s just disgusting.