November 3, 2013

I feel a little guilty for saying those things about J.

I’m still shocked and dismayed at the hypocrisy and his ability to present such a solid front, but at the same time it’s really none of my business. Maybe before, but not now. We all have our reasons for the choices we make and I’m sure at the time he made them they seemed like the right thing to do.

Oddly, I don’t think any of his lies were malicious. I don’t think he set out to hurt me or anyone else. I don’t think any of it was an attempt to gain anything tangible. I think there is a lot of insecurity there, self-doubt, fear of being rejected or maybe just not being accepted as is… I think there is the desire to appear a certain way to others– always calm, in control, very confident, very competent– almost boy scout-esque. I think he believes some of his behaviors, thoughts, actions, feelings, etc. could collapse that carefully carved persona and that’s why he has to deceive. He has to protect that image. Although I don’t think it’s necessarily about how others see his image. I think it’s about he how wants to see himself— and he probably also wants to hold that persona together for a select few people who really matter to him.

Maybe I’m completely insane just as everyone keeps telling me. Maybe they’re right when they say the whole, “if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck…” thing. I’m sure if he read this he’d probably tell me I have no idea what I’m talking. He’d probably be right, too.

I wish I had never answered the phone call that put all of this in motion. I wish I hadn’t met with those girls or read those things, or witnessed those things. I don’t even know why I did. Morbid curiosity maybe. The desire to know I wasn’t the only one who was deceitful and made terrible mistakes. Maybe I wanted to lock the door and throw away they key to the closure I had previously found. Most likely a little of all of those.

Part of me wants to go knock on his door right now. I want to reach up and hug him and tell him that I’d have accepted him and all of his faults, misdeeds, mistakes, deceits, and whatever else he felt the need to hide. I want to tell him I don’t care what or who he did, or does, or will do in the future. I want to say I think he’s brilliant and sweet and one of the best friends I ever had. I want him to understand that I do still love who he is– despite the chicanery. I would tell him I know about everything and it’s okay. I wish he would really, truly understand that I just wanted to be somebody he never had to pretend with.

It wouldn’t happen that way though. If I brought up all of the revelations he would only get angry. No matter how non-accusational I tried to be, he would get defensive and would continue to deny everything. That would annoy me to no end and I would completely forget that I was there to hug him, not argue with him. I would push for him to be honest with me and he would steadfastly deny he ever so much as told me a white lie. I would be exasperated by his unwillingness to allow me to figuratively hold his hand and we would both walk away shaking our heads in annoyance.

So, I’ll just stay here and wait for Shawn to get home. It’s probably for the best anyway, as Shawn’s head would explode if he knew I went over there. He has had a long few days and doesn’t need any annoyances. Besides, what’s done is done with J and no amount of hugs or understanding or conversations will change that. Getting all of that off my chest wouldn’t be worth 1. the attitude and nastiness I would likely get from J and 2. even remotely upsetting Shawn over something that doesn’t even matter anymore.

So, I suppose the moral of the story remains the same.