November 2, 2010-

Sometimes I seriously wonder if he might be capable of really hurting me. He gets so angry over the smallest things and his temper flares like nothing I’ve ever seen. I know he is so stressed and feeling so much pressure right now and I try like hell to keep things calm for him, but sometimes it’s not enough. We were at a concert at the Red Rocks Amphitheatre with maybe 8 or 9 people and everyone was having a good night. The weather was great, it was super mellow and low key and so relaxing. I was actually sitting there watching him talk and laugh and I was so happy because his stress was finally lifting, at least temporarily. He and Dina went to get drinks and Zackary came and sat next to me. He sat close because it was kind of loud and difficult to hear. We were talking about his work and he was asking about the progress of Brian’s practice. It was entirely innocent in every way. Brian came back and saw Zackary and I sitting close and he flipped out. He stepped between us, pushed Zackary and started yelling. Brian isn’t a small man, but Zackary is this enormous guy… he’s 6’4, maybe 250-260lbs, all muscle, just… big. He could probably do a lot of damage to Brian. He was just shocked though. He couldn’t believe how Brian was behaving. Nobody could. So, of course, we left immediately. He screamed the entire drive back to the house and accused me of sleeping with Zackary. He just kept demanding to know how long it had been going on. The more I denied it, the more angry he got. At one point I thought it might be better to just tell him it was true, but I didn’t want to do that to Zackary. I don’t know why he constantly thinks I’m cheating on him. I have never given him any reason at all to think that. I’m not flirty with other men, but in his eyes any communication with a male is flirting and grounds for a huge fight.

I really just don’t get it. If I were going to cheat I’d just leave him altogether. I absolutely have my share of flaws, but infidelity is not one of them. Nor is promiscuity. Actually, my lack of “experience” would probably be laughable to most people. Even so, he just doesn’t believe me and I don’t know why. Is it me or is it him? Is it a self-esteem thing? I can’t imagine that to be the case. If anything, he comes off as arrogant at times. He’s attractive, successful, very intelligent… there’s no reason to lack confidence. It’s so frustrating.

But he scares me sometimes. He gets soooo angry. Throwing things, screaming, name calling… he has slapped me and often leaves bruises on my wrists and arms from grabbing me so hard. He doesn’t try to really hurt me, though. Obviously he could if he wanted to as he is quite a bit larger than me, but it still scares me at times. His eyes just go flat and I know it’s going to be a really bad night.

I try to talk to him, but he won’t have it. He becomes so defensive and immediately goes on the attack. I don’t know… I just keep hoping things will get better after the new practice is up and running…