He’s Dead Jim.
Its been almost a month since I last wrote in this diary. I needed time away. I needed time to make it real that my brother was dead. I am an atheist and as such do not believe in an after life. That was the part that was really killing me. Believeing and knowing I will never see my lil brother again. Part of me feels like I am betraying him by still living. Part of me feels SO guilty about not helping him more while he was alive. Part of me just feels so dead inside.
My weekends off I have been spending over at his place. Spending time with his son. I taught him how to play chess this weekend. I also took him to the movies to see "Watchmen". Its hard going to the movies. I was supposed to go see them with my brother too, but with him gone. Well I dont get the joy out of them as I used too. This next friday thou I am not going over there. Its the series ending episode of Battle Star and I want to watch all they other episodes that lead up to it. Something in the order of 15 hours of battlestar. For you see that was one of our special shows. We would watch and talk about every lil detail. We where so looking forward to this last season, to see how it got all tied up and completed. I guess I want to watch it all and pretend he is there with me watching them…
I dreamed about him the other night. The phone was ringing and I answered. IT was him, and he asked how I was doing. I told him I was ok and then asked him how he was. He told me was doing good. I dont rember what else was said but at the end. He said ok then big guy I will let you go. We told each other good bye and we loved each other. This was a phone call that was made at least a 100 times before while he was alive between us. He always called me big guy well because I always out weighed him 3 to 1. It must have not been easy growing up with the fat kid that always got picked on as your brother. I know Mike did not feel that way about me but still there it is.
I miss my brother deeply. I hate fridays and sundays the most. It was a friday that we put my lil brother into the ground and it was a sunday that he died on. I still breack down alot. Mom thinks writing again will help. Dad and my wife think meds will help. I dont know if anything will help. I hate meds with a passion so I doubt I will take them. Writing here well I dont know yet but I will try some. I dont know if I will write every day, but who knows. I think that is enough for now… Thanks for listening 🙂
________________________________________________________
"Bare is the back without brother to guard it."
My dad died in 1993, he was murdered..but the same thing happend to me, he “called” and did the same thing, asked how I was and said he was doing ok. Wierd, but in some strange way, I think it was him telling me he was fine and to take care of myself because I was hurting so bad. Im a heathen, so I dont believe in god either, so I understand what you are saying there. Best I can say is day by day.
Warning Comment
One thing is for sure, since you guys were so close, he would not want you feeling guilty about living, dont you think? I mean, you are doing great being there for his son, and that is awesome. I know it must comfort his wife to have you there because you were (are) such a great part of him. Just live and do his memory honour by being the best you can be.
Warning Comment
my little brother died when I was 12 so I know the emptiness it can leave. I know you don’t believe this now but it does get better with time. He wouldn’t want you punishing yourself this way. It sounds like the two of you were really close and it would probably not make him happy to see how badly your heart is broken over things you should have done. Instead do those things for and with his son..
Warning Comment
*hug* It sounds like your dream is your mind trying to comfort you. I don’t know how minds work, but mine does the same thing. Like when I’m worried about something I will have a dream about it and it makes it not seem so bad anymore. He’ll always be with you because he’s always in your heart and mind, and I think that’s comforting. I don’t blame you for not liking meds. I don’t like them either. There are natural herbs you could take that do the same thing if it helps? I’m sure you’ll figure out something. Take care!
Warning Comment
Warning Comment
I would avoid meds if possible, they wont make anything better. Grieving isn’t a sickness, it’s perfectly normal and expected, and an important part of healing. Best wishes for everything!
Warning Comment
((hugs)) I’m sure your brother loved you very much and he wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up like this. I think its good you’re thinking of getting outside help, meds may not be what you need but a grief counselor might. ♥
Warning Comment
After I deconverted to atheism I lost both my uncle and a good friend, and it was so oddly hard to deal with suddenly looking my beliefs, or lack thereof, in the face like that. I’m so sorry about your brother…I hope that one day you find peace with it, however you can. ::hugs::
Warning Comment
you hv a bunch of friends on here jelly belly love u
Warning Comment
RYN: I love my kindle. It took me a couple of days to finally choose just one of the skins. Its a hard choice. They have so many cool ones. You’re lucky if you’re choosing one for the K1 because you also get a download of a special screen saver that will match the skin. They don’t offer that for the K2. *pout* If I was you, I prolly wouldn’t switch from a K1. As long as you’re happy with it whyswitch? I almost got a K1 from ebay but then I figured if I was going to spend the money I might as well get the newer one. ♥
Warning Comment
Sorry to hear about your brother! Losing someone you love is a hard thing. I think the phone call dream maybe was his way of telling you he was ok, and now it’s time for you to start being ok again. I added you to my diary. How did you find me?
Warning Comment
I don’t call myself an atheist though I might as well be. I definitely am no longer Christian. The rest of my family is and it hurts so much that they are “comforted” by the fact my dad is in a better place. I don’t have that to feel comforted by. That being said there are times when sometimes I feel like he is watching me or I feel his presence. It’s hard to describe but it makes me feel better.
Warning Comment