May I share a small something … *EDIT*

(Edit at the bottom.)

 
In the last few days, weeks, several of my friends here and in my private life have, or are, going through some painful, difficult times.
 
It seems these things come in bunches.
 
While my own life seems somewhat idyllic in comparison to what some of my friends are experiencing, I am fully aware it could change in a heartbeat.
 
I certainly do remember my own setbacks; when I’d lost all hope and the darkness seemed so threatening and ominous that I sometimes couldn’t get out of bed.
 
I questioned God, I questioned Karma! I theorized that I must have done something bad to someone in this life, or a past one, to receive this painful “Thing.”
 
As time went on, I came to realize, the thing that I thought would “kill” me, didn’t. While, at the moment of the threatening experience, I was fully engulfed in my fear of the “Thing” and didn’t know how I would “survive.” Nonetheless, survive I did.
 
With the experience(s) came the realization that bad things really do happen to good people and being a believer in God (or any other deity) does not protect one from “bad” experiences.
 
What then, could be the reason for a good person to have a bad experience?
 
There was no “reason!”
 
It just … happened!
 
It’s not punishment, *
 
It’s not a vengeful God, *
 
It’s not repayment for some past bad Karma! *
 
It just … is! *
 
However, I came to discover, the “Thing” seemed to have a beneficial side. Oh, not at the time I was going through it, for I was too consumed by my fear. But after … after, I discovered it didn’t kill me. In fact, the experience made me “immortal.” Immortal in the sense, “That which doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.”
 
After the fact, I could see how the experience forced me to take a step I was avoiding or afraid of, a step that later, I interpreted as a door opening to a better life; i.e.: “When one door closes, another opens” … is really true.
 
My experiences have left me with a tremendous empathic response to any who are going through their “Dark Night of the Soul.” 
 
It pains and disturbs me to see anyone, especially my friends, experience fear, anger, and hopelessness.
 
To experience:
 
a lover leave,
a child taken,

a grave illness,
a promise broken,
a betrayal of trust or love,
a loss,
a divorce,
a death,
a breakup,
a depression,
a slight,
a loved one in jail,
a loved one a substance abuser, 
the loss of a job,
the waning of a love …
 
is to suffer great pain.
 
To all those who are experiencing one or more of these impediments to happiness, I ask you to consider the possibility, these events before you may shape your life in a way, for the “better,” you cannot possibly grasp right now.

 
I also ask that you not give up. Consider the possibility that you may not have sufficient distance from the experience right now, to understand the future “benefit” of this present experience. Do not lose hope; give yourself time for the message to develop enough to reach you.
 
And so, to those aspiring to a seemingly unreachable goal …  to those who believe they are no longer loved or lovable … to ALL who are afraid and have lost their way and their hope … As I’ve done before, I’d like to share a small something with you that has made a significant impact on my life. I hope you find it as valuable as I do, and …
 
I hope it helps.
 
 
God bless,
 
Nunzio
 9301

 
* I’m not a theologian or a therapist. I’m just a guy with some life experiences culminating in some opinions that may, or may not be helpful.
 

I just question, since all spiritual belief systems are unprovable, why not pick a belief system that brings comfort and peace, rather than the dogma from our inception?
 
And that’s one man’s opinion.

Edit: 05/15/2006 @ 11:32:37
 
Two additional experiences I had over this weekend I wanted to share with you.
 
I had dinner with a woman Saturday night who I brought this subject up with (objectively, without giving her my opinion) and asked her what her opinion was.
 
She told me she absolutely believed it was true; that “setbacks,” or “losses” were not that at all. She included in that, the death of a loved one, a divorce where she was the one “divorced” and the loss of a career job she was terminated from.
 
She, like me, said she didn’t see the “benefits” of the “losses” at the time because she was grieving over them and was frightened over, “what will I do now?”
 
I was most curious about how she could experience the death of a loved one without expressing it as a loss and asked her about that one first:
 

“It was my father, who I was very close to. I lost him at my age 29 and I was crushed. Most women are close to their father and may find themselves ‘rudderless’ when he dies. I cried, at the drop of a hat, for a year or two afterward. I’d always gone to him for counsel whenever faced with significant decisions in my life.
 
I loved the way he spoke to me as a daughter and a peer. He didn’t really tell me what to do, he asked me questions, and, with love, he gently guided me in the decision at hand. I felt so safe after our talks. When he died, I felt so alone, I was afraid of everything. I depended on him so, and now he was gone.
 
After his death, I would go to him in my thoughts and cry and ask him what do I do now? Gradually, I heard him ask me the same kinds of questions, guiding me to the answers.
 
Slowly it dawned on me, I had always depended on him. I never made decisions alone. I wasn’t the hard-charging independent woman I thought of myself as.
 
Now, here I was, consulting with him in my thoughts. I had been moved from ‘dependent’ upon him to ‘independent of him!’ I could make my own decisions! The transfer of wisdom was complete … His training was complete.
 
While I loved him dearly and I still miss him, I never achieved independence until after his death. Then, it became clear to me, I was independent and could take care of myself.
 
The divorce came shortly after his death and from that I ultimately learned, I’d picked a man I didn’t love, to take care of me because I didn’t think I could take care of myself. My ex-husband couldn’t take the additional ‘neediness’ I heaped on him after my father’s death and divorced me.
 
The loss of my job/career was also a choice I made for the wrong reason. I didn’t like what I was doing but was pursuing it because … I didn’t think I could do anything else. I changed that after his death also.
 
My father’s death truly gave me life!
 
(And yes, I still talk with him.)”

The second experience was with a male friend I frequently meet at Starbucks for coffee and “male bonding!” He is a self-proclaimed recovering alcoholic, “20 years sober.”
 
It was Sunday morning when I met him at “his” Starbucks, near his home. I told him I was writing a journal entry on “loss” and wanted his opinion:
 

“I think it’s true; ‘loss’ is not really loss.
 
I know if I hadn’t divorced my wife 21 years ago, I would be dead.

Given the amount I was drinking at the time, I know I would have been dead within 18 months. My doctor wasn’t as optimistic. He gave me 12 months!
 
I loved her very much but I came to learn, after the fact, it was a loved based on my ‘need’ to drink. She was the perfect enabler and a drunk too. I had no reason to change.”

 
He went on to say something I thought was really significant …

"Life appears for you, dependent on how you see it. You choose if it’s a ‘loss’ or not. You choose pain or joy." 

 
 
So there you go. I hope the edit was worth the time … your time.
 

 
God bless,
 
Nunzio