To Rapunzelish …
Who is private and wrote me the following note:
“Hello Nunzio: If you don’t mind a word from a new noter, here is food for thought. Webster’s Dictionary, Affect = to move the feelings of. I have studied Psychology my entire adult life, and I fail to see where a lack of needing other people, could be anywhere near prime emotional health. Writing is a fine outlet, but what happened to pure and simple eye contact? Sincerely, [rapunzelish]”
So Rapunzel, you give me an opportunity to further explain my views.
I too, have studied psychology (and philosophy, and spirituality and, etc.) my entire adult life however, that doesn’t give me one inch of an edge over anyone else. My studies matter only to me as they relate to my path of development, my path of healing me.
Frequently I write about the healing of self and how elusive that is. I point to our relationships to use as a barometer of our healing process …
If we ever wish to examine our own level of development, all we need do is look at our lovers, past and present. There, unmistakably disclosed for our scrutiny, clear as an icy mountain lake, is the mirror of our own undeveloped self. How could they not be? After all, we picked them.
I too, “fail to see where a lack of needing other people, could be anywhere near prime emotional health.” Therefore, I believe you must have misinterpreted my use of the word, “need.”
I don’t advocate isolation from others.
I do advocate the elimination of “need” when picking a lover, as I believe that is the greatest gift one can give another … the absence of need!
What a gift to be able to say to our lover …
“I do not hold you responsible for my healing. And when I slip and judge you, or blame you, or otherwise have a meltdown, please understand I’ve gone temporarily insane and will return to sanity shortly.
I want you but I do not ‘need’ you.”
When I speak of achieving the “absence of need,” I’m speaking of eliminating that sickly, dependent, unhealthy, narcotic, need of another that some define as “love.” That definition of love diminishes both parties and dooms the relationship.
I’m speaking of the elimination of certain required behaviors/words we demand from our lovers so that we “feel good” about their love for us. We require these behaviors/words because we mistakenly believe our lover has some control over our feelings. Ultimately we require the behaviors/words because we haven’t done our own work to heal ourselves.
It’s my view you cannot have a healthy love based on “need.”
Why? Because no mortal can “complete us,” “make us whole,” “fill the void,” “make us happy,” “save us,” “keep us from loneliness,” or “promise to stay with us forever!” They can’t cure our insecurities! They can’t reverse our aging! They can’t give us our youth back! They can’t make us lose weight, stop smoking, restore our health, or remove our cellulite!
Yet … we require they make us feel better about ourselves.
Another human does not “make” us feel anything, in spite of the messages from Hallmark Cards!
Christ!
Each one of us has a full-time job healing ourselves. How could I possibly take on another to heal, protect, or take care of? … However, trying to do so is how I learned it can’t be done, and even if it could, it can only be done for a brief period and then … our fears creep back to the surface. (If you want to read the details of this experience, click here.)
Now, the joining together of two people who desire each other without a narcotic “need” for each other and wish their relationship to be an expression of mutual commitment and support to mutual healing, without holding each other responsible for that healing or for any other “feel good” behaviors … Now that’s a relationship! (And, a run-on sentence.)
So “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair to me,” and tell me, what saith you?
God bless,
Nunzio
8762
I adore the picture on your front page
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you always give me something to think on 🙂
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I’ll throw in my 2 cents. When you have a need in your life and seek for a lover to fulfill it, then once they have and you don’t need them anymore the relationship has lost its purpose. I never thought your entry was about whether one needs companionship, but about whether one is seeking another to fulfill needs that oneself should be seeking to fulfill through emotional development.
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Nunzio, You complete me. Shannon (hee hee, sorry…couldn’t resist.) Seriously, you’re right, but I like narcotics.
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i think i agree with what you said. what a truly wonderful gift to be able to give. not always so easy however. (saw your note over on someone elses diary and went to the link left..loved it!! so, had to come read a bit. glad i did. )
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ryn: I’m glad you liked it. I had to think about and look at what note I left for you to say that. Found it and I still hold it true to me. 🙂
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wow – you write this almost as if – as if it were possible to have a . . . a . . . MATURE relationship. REALLY? It’s possible? *smacks self of forehead* who’d a thunk it? Sh*t let me throw away my Seventeen magazines and subscribe to YOU. (heeheehee) Seriously though – word.
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I had a boyfriend break up with me after 2 years of living together because I told him I loved him and wanted him, but I didn’t need him. I thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world to choose someone to be in my life because I wanted him to be there, but he thought I would dump him because I didn’t need him to be there. Some people just don’t get it.
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I think (and could be wrong, of course) what Rapunzelish was getting at is that everyone needs affirmations of love from other people, and it’s unhealthy to say otherwise. You want to be able to affect someone, and if you can’t, then how can you call it love? Wouldn’t it just be a good friendship? Or apathy even?
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and RYN: you’re welcome. =)
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I completely agree; and completely disagree. I’d like a little “need” for a change, Nunzo-Baby. Seriously. I would. –Red
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*Does a little happy dance* because I fit in to your run on sentence. *dances some more*
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Its my view you cannot have a healthy love based on need. <—I couldn't agree with this more! I remember this starting/ending several fights with the ex husband. He wanted me to “need” him….and I didn’t. He could never understand the concept that I was with him by CHOICE and not need. He used to get really pissed off when I refused to admit needing him. ~sigh~ I need a mature MAN!
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ryn: LOL, Going to get more Salt & Vinegar chips.
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wow sometimes you make me feel so dumb when you point out the obvious that i had to learn the hard way LOL
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RYN: Thank you hun. Very much appreciated. I know it is because of how I treat them with care and consideration – even when it may not necessarily be something I would want to discuss. I suppose in it’s own backwards way, it is a compliment. ~smiles~
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yep, that works for me. *lol* tc M
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“When I speak of achieving the absence of need, Im speaking of eliminating that sickly, dependent, unhealthy, narcotic, need of another that some define as love. That definition of love diminishes both parties and dooms the relationship.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. No really, I couldn’t have. =) xoxoxo,
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(((Hugs))) =)
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You are a walking contradiction. LOL. Thank you for your notes of support and insight. Always helpful. You will be glad to know your words find their way into my counseling sessions, because they impact me. Keep kicking my *ss. But not always real hard, eh? I need a “safe” place too, here. –R PS: Re the blow job, mum’s the word. (get it?)
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RYN: I was referring to the fatherly advice followed immediatley by the comment about the blow job. Contradiction. Typical male. Never! Just “I had a friend tell me recently…” Doctor was interested in that, and agrees in part. He also sees, however, that I will ALWAYS be a s**ual creature and Husband will NEVER be…
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…and he believes that may “kill my heart for him.” Meaning, we s**ual beasts NEED s*x. It’s not really an option for us. It is a basic need. We can go without it by choice, but it messes with our unique heirarchy of needs. I’m sure you know what that’s all about.
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Ryn: Everything went well! : )
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I am well aware of Maslow’s needs. Dr.’s point was that for “sexual” beings (like me — he has known me for 13 years and says I always have been, always will be — it is not going to “die” like I’d hoped), sex is closer to the “basic needs” level than it is to the “self-actualized” level. That was my only point.
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RYN: LMAO! That is by far the best note ever!
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Hello, Thanks so much for the google info on Jesus H. Christ. I had completely forgotten that my diary was private, but Red pointed me in the direction of your note on hers. Thanks again for indulging in my random curiosity. Warm regards & take care,
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Well done. I had seen this when it was new and couldn’t read as I had other stuff pressing on my time. So glad I remembered and came back. I had written a Want vs Need entry that got lost with the crash. I completely agree with you. My opinions on the matter were quite the source of argument by the ex. He thought I should need him. sad.
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Ryn: Only if you’ll pinch my nipples while we’re doing it. I just read something about that in LB’s diary and now I’m…well, you know… Oh damnit, now I’m calling your number. Hope you’re home!
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*random noter* this is what I have been striving for… the lack of need… i get closer and closer to it with each of my relationships, but i’ve yet to achieve it
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RYN: Oh, shush. 😛
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I second Red… Still, God help me, there is just no way I can refute this wisdom anymore.
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Well said, dear Nunzio….. so many of us “shop” for lovers based on our insecurities, looking for them to plug the holes…….instead of looking for one who brings strength to the relationship and encourages our own growth. I’ve raised my children, I will not raise a man who claims to love me and need me to breathe……. been there, done that and left him….as he clung to my ankles.
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Merry Christmas!
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Well said!! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas Day…. *Merry Christmas hugs*
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RYN: I said it in an entry before. 🙂
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RYN: Thank you, Thank you. It was all pretty last minute Husband only decided onit a few days before, I’ve never cooked goose before, he’s never had it before, so it was fun for both of us. Hope you had a wonderful christmas. Next year I’ll be sending out invites. 🙂
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Ryn: : P
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Ryn: Eight days…three calls, maybe five minutes each. I just NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED MORE!!! The touching (at least) three times daily may be enough to keep me interested though…maybe.
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We DO make our choices, don’t we? See, I don’t need a counselor. I eventually figure all this stuff out myself. I just need to act on it now. And I will. Happy New Year, Bubs.
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LOL, though that statement in itself is an oxymoron. “Safe than healed.” If it were a disease, there would be no question — I’d HAVE to choose “healed” because I wouldn’t be “safe” otherwise. But I’d be safe a nice, soft, luxurious cage, wouldn’t I? Safe, singing my heart out, watching the sky and dreaming. Open the door, open the door, open the door, my heart cries, that I may fly.
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Ryn: What AREN’T you horny for? hee hee.
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Nunz, what do YOU think about my turncoat entry? No don’t go lecturing me about how that’s not gonna solve my problems. I’m just askin’, you’d come visit, right? Because sometimes we’d just need a….
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^ pee? maybe? tell us, Nunzio.
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I saw what you wrote on SW’s diary. What a jerk. Geez.
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Ryn: I was teasing you! LOL
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Ryn: Oh shut up, Nunzio. I had all the redness on my upper lip the day after. The blisters (on my nose!) are from the skin irritation, not a cold sore. Wrong place. Bite me!
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Ryn: FINE! I will call as soon as I can! There…happy?
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Fair enough. I still think you sound like a self-help book, but at least you’re not a misogynist. 🙂 For the record, I would be mad if jackass did that. Not because of abandonment issues from my childhood, but because it’s disrespectful. The good news is, jackass wouldn’t do it. I’ve trained him too well for that.
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I don’t disagree with the end result. I disagree with the pop psychology. You speculate a lot on why someone might REACT emotionally. I think the why is irrelevant and that learning to think rather than react is simply a matter of practice, not digging deeper into one’s psyche. Psychology is an excuse, not a solution. And that’s just one woman’s opinion – the right one.:)
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ryn: i think mine’ll be one of the above 3, but ok… remind me 🙂
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It’s cute how eternally polite you are. It makes me want to push buttons.
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You are an interesting man. I’ve always thought so. I had to chuckle about your “I’d want to go home when I’m done.” Sometimes it seems to me that’s an integral part of your personality all around. No crime in that. Just an observation, and may be dead wrong. Thanks for your notes. I’m reconsidering the baby issue, as I often reconsider everything. lol. I’m much better…
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…all around today after a couple of private sessions with this little tool I lovingly dubbed “Vin.” PS: All notes in response private please.
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You typed “butt plug” in my diary. BUTT PLUG? LOL. Oh, Nunz, you amazing bad boy. Jeez.
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So I’ll be nice and tell you what I THOUGHT when I read your note on turncoat. I thought, and actually I thought this last night too, that it must be WONDERFUL to have a lover who is as ravenous in that fashion as you claim to be, and so I must say that your note GOT to me in that way that many things carnal get to me. So you… how shall I say it, hit home? Ahem. Yes. Hit home.
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Nunzio, I thought of you today…..and made note of it. Entry: Why?
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RYN: You are welcome and thank you for “growing me” through your words and pointing me in the direction of the author in my entry!
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Ooh I say. I have stumbled upon a great diary….
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Well said. Again thank you.
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I keep coming back to this.
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This was lovely to read and so true. Not that knowing the truth has stopped me from miscommunication or improper use of the word “need” but I try. =) Rapunzel must be playing with her hair in her ivory tower. Did she ever leave a response?
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