So Where Have You Been?
If I’m to be brutally honest with myself, and you … in a state of fear, I guess.
I’ve let my life (temporarily) be consumed by my business. I own my own business as a financial advisor and had an opportunity to buy in to my up line affiliated brokerage firm. It means a hell of a lot more money in the long term but I underestimated the time commitment to meet the buy in payment schedule and I let that error drive me into fear.
It’s interesting how quickly I allowed myself to get out of balance. I’m a big proponent of keeping both hemispheres of my brain (left hemisphere is logic, right is creative) equally active, but I slipped this time.
I’ve been “afraid” to take more than a day off in a week, if that. I work 12 – 15 hour days, 6 – 7 days a week. I’ve forgone travel, reading, writing, reflection, and human connections, to serve this demand of my ego. While it is an excellent business decision, I’ve let it consume me.
ME!
The one who champions the necessity of keeping our spiritual side alive and growing!
Well, I’m starting to move back towards center. I’d like to say it’s because I saw and understood my, “Out of Balance,” condition and immediately corrected it … but I didn’t. I actually chose to continue until I conquered it, which is starting to happen; the conquering part.
I’m struck buy how I, voluntarily, unbalanced my life in exchange for …
Money!
Why would I do that?
Because of my perception of what money will do for me …
buy me,
“Security!”
Laughable!
I am amazed at the depth of my own bullshit!
Because I know there IS no security. I’ve seen it enough in my life, in my client’s lives, to know it’s untrue. Any security I have resides in my own mind, inserted there by fiat!
We just go through life trading quality of life for perceived benefits.
So what have I learned from this voluntary exercise?
Much, I think.
That:
Possessing the intellectual knowledge is nowhere near close to applying that knowledge!
It is through the experience of living that I get to see my level of development. My actions betray the mask I wear for the world.
Because each of us is alone on our journey, we frequently pack our fears for company.
Fear makes us not only less than we might be but less than we think we are. Faith (which is a choice with no evidence to support it) reminds us we should doubt our fears!
When we have lost our way, it’s not the Way that is lost.
This morning, for the first time in months, at sunrise, with my cup of coffee, I walked the short 40 yards to the cliffs overlooking the crashing Pacific, to my bench.
I sat and had a conversation with God.
“Where have you been?” I asked her.
“I’ve always been here,”
came her response …
as did my tears.
Sometimes we must leave our house in order to come home.
This will not be last time I will leave. However, knowing that strength of character is not measured by who we support but by knowing we all lean on one another, comforts me.
I will find my way, as we all will, for it resides inside me, inside us …
waiting …
for us to learn to trust …
to let it … just let it,
surface.
God bless,
Nunzio
5995
you are amazing. I have never been so consumed by ones writing… and the “I asked god “where have you been” and SHE answered…” it has made all the difference in my day… thank you.
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Welcome back darling! You were missed, but your lessons are appreciated. 🙂
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welcome home 🙂 so good to find your words here again…beautiful and inspiring as always….you have been missed!
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I’m glad to see you’ve found your center once again.
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hmm..to trust ourselves and those around us to just let things happen rather than force them…as you say to let them surface. the hard part for me. I enjoyed this entry as usual..thank you for sharing.
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glad to see you back, surfacing.
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RYN: ohhhh, I’ve done THAT before, too. I’m just glad he has nimble fingers 🙂 Alcohol is a wicked thing:)
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You were at the beach! : )
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Ryn:ryn: I’ve never had a sex life like this. It’s friken awesome! *giggles like a school girl* Feel free … ” Ok, where’s da rest of this? Come on, break out! [Nunzio] [p] What? I don’t know what you’re talking about?
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Good morning sunshine….lovely entry as always! Glad your back…. ~big hugs~
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RYNs: Spoken just as I would have expected a man to respond. No wonder some women go over to the other side. You MEN are just plain infuriating! LOL. Take care. R
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Seems hard to keep that center these days. Good luck to you.
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How MUCH money????!!!! LOL Nice bench, but that can’t be the real bench, just a similar one, right? Best wishes, BW
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Clarity often can only come after we have fought long and hard for something that is, in reality, not that important. It’s a beautiful entry – because it speaks from the heart to the heart of the condition. Sending peace.
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I’m not interested in all that spirituality crap, but jesus, you live that close to the ocean and you neglect it? What’s wrong with you? The ocean is the only thing more appealing than money, except maybe sex.
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Ryn: Already do…it’ll just be even better.
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Ryn: No, and no.
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RYN: Thanks Nunz….perfect advice as always ~big hug~
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I’ve been fucked on the beach before and it’s not worth it. I’d be willing to get in touch with my spirituality in the water though.
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You didn’t mention the jet ski. I’d be willing to deal with the sand if there’s a jet ski involved. I’ve always wanted to try to have sex on a jet ski. C’mon, do you really need jackass’s permission?
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I’m officially off the clock, but had you actually read my previous entry, you’d know that I’m stuck here until 8:30 because my instructor hates me. Hate might be a strong word. Can anyone really hate me?
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Hey, I don’t have any nose hair showing, I pluck them. Wait … no, I don’t.
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RYN: Ha!! Nice suggestion, however, with my situation of singlehood, I think porn would be anything but relaxing…
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RYN: Hesperia, Michigan . . . Oceana County – the ‘freshwater West Coast’ dahlink 😉
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Found you via a note you left for Madam Sassy Pants – great RX there! If you don’t mind, I’ve added you to my Faves.
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Ryn: Thank you. : )
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Ryn: ha ha, well I knew YOU would understand. : ) Thank you very much. I am feeling much better also – already?!?!?!!!!! I’m glad I did this. Thank you for all of your help.
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P.S. Nunzio . . . I’ve missed you!
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Your diary is wonderful. I don’t normally leave notes but I love reading your diary and I’m glad your back.
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RYN: Yes, I have always needed things thoroughly explained. And I have found that demonstrations followed by help the first few times of a new experience works best for me too!! 😛
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Ryn: Thank you. (finally, you’re being nice to me again. LOL)
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Ryn: I’m sorry. You’re probably right. I’m a woman, what do you expect?!?!?!?!?!!!!
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Getting lost alone is the easy part. Finding our way is more difficult but made easier when we allow ourselves to do with the help of others. When you return, we will be here. I know I will. ~embrace~
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beautiful.. glad you woke up. and ryn – thank you ..that means a lot coming from a writer like you.
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LOL. RYN: “tatty” is what a yellow lace thong is called when it’s several years old and has those little fabric pills that collect, say, blue fibers from rubbing against your jeans, and black fibers from rubbing against your skirts, and so the thong doesn’t look brand new, but is “tatty.” Girls should NOT wear tatty underthings, but when one hasn’t done the laundry….
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It’s about all you’re going to get. I’m not quite shameless enough to post pictures of my sexual escapades.
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There are plenty of porn sites to satisfy your desires, you know.
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