Nunzio
October 17, 2004

An Open Letter To A Questioning Woman (restored)

(Originally posted 8/28/2004)

This entry is to a woman who consciously behaves in a manner that drives her lovers away from her, resulting in her isolation.

 

The more I thought of your simple question, “So, what do I do now?” the more my thoughts grew, until … it became an entry. My answer may crack your protective boundaries. If so, please know, I mean you no harm or discomfort but my attempt to contribute to you required I look behind the mask. I’ve protected your anonymity by not mentioning your OD name in my entry. No one will know it’s addressed to you, unless you choose to disclose it.

 God bless,

 

Nunzio

 

 

“So, what do I do now?”

 

Well, my thoughts are not about a technique to get him back.

I guess the first thing is to recognize that, because of your fearful behavior, this relationship might be done. That indeed, he is “blowing you off.”

Whether it’s done or not, you might want to ask yourself if your guarded, fearful behavior with men has served you well … is it working? If it is, and it gets you the “illusion of control” you say you “need,” then continue it.

If not, you might consider the other person’s behavior that disturbs you so deeply, shows you the level of your own fear.

You hint of this fear in some early diary entries:

 

"I am afraid of a real man. I claim to want one, and yet crush any attempts on the boy’s part to become one. They just make me oh-so-nervous.

  I am commitment-phobic enough for the two of us.

  I wish I could just let go. Not hide, not pretend, not suppress. But live as I feel. Take what  I want. And have no fear through it all

 Hate myself. Hate my life. Hate my job. But most of all, myself."

Maybe it’s time to give these self-flagellating thoughts up?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you get angry with “men,” you’re telegraphing, for all to see, your attempt to get rid of your own guilt/fear by holding the man to a standard that YOU do not meet. When he doesn’t, you use pejorative and derogatory terms to assass

inate his character and simultaneously, your own!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recognize that, anger/attack of another has, as it’s only purpose, the attempted exorcism of the fear residing in the attacker.

“Every reaction you have to the actions of another, is a disclosure to your own unhealed state.  Whatever you think of another is what you think of yourself.”

 

The Course In Miracles

 

If these comments seem true to you, and if it’s not too late with your lover, you might consider dropping your guard, tough guy. Get in front of him and confess you got off on the wrong foot with him and ask him if you could have a re-start. If you won’t do this, don’t worry; you’re just not ready … yet!

If you will do this, don’t treat it like a “technique,” and don’t expect to achieve control. This is not about "control" or “doing” something …

It is about quieting your ego …

 

It is about passivity …

It is about you taking responsibility for the pain and fear that resides in you and ceasing to hold your lovers responsible for it …

It is about you taking responsibility for your own feelings and ceasing to hold your lovers responsible for them …there is no one responsible for how you feel, other than you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is about you reawakening the little girl in you, the one that was there before you put the wall up …

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This approach won’t save you from love affairs ending … but it will bring you peace!

At any given moment, you can decide to stop. You alone decide how long you will stay in this groove.

 

The question is, are you ready yet, to give up all the excuses that stand between you and love?

 

 

 

It is your choice.

 

And that’s just one man’s opinion.

G

od bless,

Nunzio

"In the long run, we get no more than we have been willing to risk giving."

 (Sheldon Kopp)

 

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April Fool
October 18, 2004

What excellent advice! I hope that whoever this is aimed towards can recognize the reality of it and view herself & her specific situation through your more objective eyes. I happen to think that this is one of the most useful aspects of OD, in passing non-judgmental and caring feedback to people who can use it.

as always you are a man who looks beyond to see the truths that lie beneath. Advise and answers are often sought but not accepted because they do not confirm what we wish to be true. The hardest task each one of us will ever face is looking in the mirror and seeing ourselves as we truly are then accepting and loving that person with all its beauty and it’s faults.

Kyu-pid
October 19, 2004
loving*life
October 19, 2004

Nice entry (again) I enjoyed it the 1st time you posted it…and this time as well….the little girl with icecream looks a lot like my daughter…now I miss her 🙁

Ryn: Ok, but… WHEN WHEN we get married, I’m transferring AND going part-time.

Ryn: *smooch*

Ryn: Go ahead and run. I’ll have Lifebegins help me drag your exhausted ass to a church after we catch-up anyway.

Pastel Rainbow
October 20, 2004

We must learn to fully love ourselves before we can ask another to love us. We must do for ourself what we need to have done and then we don’t lean in need on the other and then resent them or have contempt for their inabilities because we have embraced our own as well as our self. Excellent entry.

Madam_Sassy_Pants
October 20, 2004

Glad to see this one restored. Though I didn’t ask the catalyst question, I certainly could have to some degree. Thank you. RYN: What can I say?? You see straight through my facade. Of course I want a hard body smearing cake and icing on my clothes. Narf!! bmh

homecook
October 20, 2004

That’s really good advice you have here. (read mine and give me some of your opinions too!)

Jubi
October 21, 2004

Are you a shrink, my friend? Good advise here on this entry!

Ryn: He is NOT! I am starting to wonder about you though, because YOU NEVER talk dirty to me anymore. *crying*

the magnificent jess
October 22, 2004

this is lovely

Candygrl
October 24, 2004

*laughs* Awwwwwww, Nunzio. You didn’t like our subtle hints?!?!? You crack me up!! =)

loving*life
October 25, 2004

Thanks 🙂

loving*life
October 25, 2004

RYN: THANKS for the awsome note….I hope your right…I would love nothing more than to be having THIS much fun for that long!! ~keeping fingers crossed~ Aint life grand (wink)

Ryn: Just thinking about about it makes me forget my name!

Ryn: Babydoll, I TOLD you I can’t do that here!

Ryn: I wish it was you that had left it.

RedLightGreenLight
October 28, 2004

~smiles~

Slapdash Sutefani
October 29, 2004

wow. i needed to read this today. thank you 🙂

Candygrl
October 30, 2004

Animal print, or no bra, whichever you prefer sweetie.. =)

Tigressa
October 30, 2004

ryn: you are absolutely right, man!

ryn: ha!! Figured someone would ask that… hahaaa… NOT ONE WORD… He was out mowing the lawn and I just hauled it all in the house… So I guess he really doesn’t know yet, although he saw me with my bags…. Heeheeeee *giddy laughs*

Dies Irae
October 31, 2004

{{{{{{**Hugs**You’re Loved**}}}}}}

Ryn: Have you ever watched it? (doubt it) I don’t want you making fun of me until you DO watch it w/out crying! I don’t think you’re as tough as you think you are.

I always cry when you are at the bottom of my favorite’s update list, too. wah

Ryn: NO! I like you on top best!

Ryn: Would you please? : ) aww, when you say sweet things like that in your mafia voice it makes me wanna call you Babydoll and sit on your lap.

ryn: I don’t know if you can access Egocentric or not…. But from there!

loving*life
November 3, 2004

~*looks up*~ Damn….what are you going to do with her now? (giggle) RYN: “grand” Hmmm….yeah I guess that word will work…although not quite the one I would have chosen (wink)

RavenNymph
November 4, 2004

ryn: my typing is lousy when I’m tired

loving*life
November 4, 2004

RYN: Your right as usual…I’m just not in the mood to deal with the shit….I know what I “need” to do….I just can’t seem to get my head out of my ass long enough to!! And I loved this line—–> “Son, don’t try to fuck em ALL, just fuck one, REALLY REALLY good!”

Ryn: Why would I pay baby boy?

Ryn: I can’t help it, you are just SOOOOO SWEET! : )

Ryn: You KNOW what call I’m waiting for!!!

Slapdash Sutefani
November 4, 2004

i had to come back and read this again 😛

loving*life
November 4, 2004

RYN: it’s damn good advice….but I’m from a small town…EVERYONE knows EVERYONE!! I’m going to move far far away someday….soon as I find my sugar daddy 😉 LOL

Ryn: He is NOT gay! Quit it! Poor baby, want me to kiss it?

In response to your question… “Yes Dear?” “Is there something I can get?” Yeah, get here ASAP!

RYN: Some things can be posted in both places… some can not. ~grins~ Only the people I trust are in my other diary and can view it. Still safe.

Prunella
November 8, 2004

Thanks for this entry. It really speaks to me.

First off, you really need yourself a new entry! Secondly, ryn: ummm… NO, not that he’s 40…. No biggie there.. That isn’t OLD!… It just kinda grossed me out b/c he’s like a big brother to me… hahaa……. EWWWWWWWWWWWW *Runs off and crawls back under covers to hide again*

ryn: Right on! No edits to this sucker.. Hahaaa

Ryn: help me respond to the email.

Ryn: Well…SWEETIE…I wasn’t AWARE of your 10:00 two hour meeting. I still feel like I should be able to have you ANYTIME I WANT!

ryn: There ya go… Aren’t you proud of me?! Heehee *chuckles* I edited that entry for you and added some more pics…

Ryn: Sheesh! What’s with you and dufuses? 😉 [Nunzio] I don’t know…what is it with me and dufuses? LOL, are you a dufus?

ryn: Shhhhhhhhh… Don’t give it away… I cut my face off for a reason!!!!!!!! haaaa

Ryn: No, you are definitely NOT a dufus. You’re the BADDEST bad boy around. You’re also, beautiful, sweet and my favorite.

loving*life
November 10, 2004

for the love of Gawd man……write a fucking entry would ya…you’ve not updated forever…and make it a good one…I’m in a mood (wink)

Just a note to say “hi” and that I hope you are well. I think of you from time to time, I want you to know, and send good energy your way. Take care.

Ryn: Yes. : ( Go get her!

Ryn: Thanks. I wanted to hear all about how the drink is made today. YOU are what makes womens panties loose.

ryn: Thanks Ol’ Wise One… As always….

ryna: BTW, he HAS called and he is coming back…. And believe me… I realize there ARE changes that I would also need to make to make things work… I tossed around the counseling thing numberous times over the past year but he was never interrested… Maybe now… we can work together to make it work.. Thank you Nunz!

xxxLUCYxxx
November 14, 2004

” shock you with my guess” ..do you think I shock that easily? no clues//take you guess..and I’ll let you know if you were right 😉 good to see you are still around:)

I know this was for someone else, but I’m taking it personally. Good timing.

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