things

i feel down. dnt really kno why. i feel kind of alone. i have no motivation. no motivation to even write in here really. im trying to get thinner for this party in december but finding it impossible. i cant do diets. mainly because i cant do sensible diets, i have to completely cut out all junk food, all the things i like, i cant just have a little or i’ll have too much. im not getting thinner and i crave nice food. food that tastes of something please. im dreaming of food. thats bad. also quite wrong, normal ppl dnt do that, ur taste doesnt come into play when u dream, just like ur sense of smell, so normally u do not eat in dreams. i am tho. i dnt see how i can keep this up til december, but i cant stop cuz then i wnt be thin enough. pathetic. i kind of miss home, but then i dnt. i guess mixed up with the fact that ppl from home hardly ever spk to me. i like the ppl here but its boring that we never really do anything. i spend a lot of my life sitting in front of the tv. especially now we have ntl. i miss andy a lot. i cant be bothered to do uni wrk that i need to do. i hate 2 of my modules and i have to write an essay about the brain which i completely do not understand in any way. and i feel ill. i thought i had avoided it but apparently not, after 3 weeks of being here apparently i have freshers flu. i dnt kno what im doing nxt yr and i have no time to think about it or do anything about it. i need to talk to someone but dont kno who. i hope i can do what i want with a 2.1. i want a 1st but obviously thats not going to happen even tho i try my absolute hardest in everything ive done. i just feel bleh. not exactly sad – when im sad and i write an entry i cry while i write it. i just feel sort of numb. and im tired of never just feeling normal. i just want to be a happy normal person. i wish i didnt worry about things the way i do. i wish i didnt feel ill so much. i wish i had a sex drive. i wish – i dunno, i wish a lot of things that would make me different. now i feel sad. god what a crap entry. not that it matters, probably noone will ever read it. and it may not even save as my internet is so crap. i have an internal wireless network thing and here it is crap. so i ordered an external usb one from pc world and since then my internet started to get better and better. but now its been ages and it hasnt turned up and its looking like it never will so my internets being rubbish again. god how boring, who cares? i moan so much and there’s so much more important stuff to worry about

ugh