friends

i really feel the need for someone else to talk to other than tom. tom’s great but i can’t keep putting everything on him, I kno it must be really draining for him and im sure that’s where a lot of our arguments come from. i dnt feel that i have any close friends i can really talk to. i guess this is always a bit of an issue for me; i have serious problems with my ‘friends’ at home and i dnt feel much better at uni. i feel scared to reach out to ppl in case they reject me as i feel this is what happened over the summer (and when i look at it more deeply, i have a long line of friendships that follow the same pattern). i dnt kno why it is, maybe its just something about me. tom thinks im just being silly. altho he wont say it in so many words. he thinks i have lots of friends but im just not willing to admit it.

the person i feel closest to here is andy. definitely. the only person i would consider going to with my problems other than tom. but im not entirely happy as mentioned in my previous entry and i dnt kno what to do about it. my initial plan was to make no effort to spk to him or see him and see if he made the effort. but the thing is i kno he wont. and quite honestly its killing me; i want so bad for him to just make a little bit of effort just so that i kno he does care about me. but i kno it wont happen and its driving me mad. so then i thought maybe i should just talk to him. but i feel awkward and embarrassed about it. i dnt kno what to say. ‘can u pay a little bit more attention to me plz?’ i dnt want him to think im being ridiculous and im scared he will. i was going to txt him and just say i wished we saw each other more and stuff. i dnt kno. maybe its better to just leave it until i see him nxt.

oh i dnt kno

meh, wish i had some friends