everything

i’ve felt miserable ever since i got bak to uni this term, i dnt kno whats going on, i love uni and i feel so sad here. andy said to me last night that he thought something was wrong because i didnt seem like myself and i’d seemed down all term. i was surprised he’d even noticed. he’s right tho, but when he asked me what was wrong i couldn’t tell him. i didn’t kno what to say and just told him i was ok, not to worry. the problem is that really nothing’s wrong. nothing in particular and everything in general. anything and nothing upsets me and can make me cry and i dnt kno what’s causing it. i kno im worrying tom, hes getting to the stage where hes talking about getting me to go to the doctors and stuff. i do psychology so i kno that self-diagnosis is stupid – you look at the symptoms of anything and u’ll think u’ve got it. i can find symptoms for depression (unipolar and bipolar), schizophrenia and various eating disorders in myself and its never really meant anything. but, seriously,  have a lot of the symptoms of depression and it scares me. i dnt want to be depressed, its horrible to feel like this. i dont want to go to the doctors, i dont want to take medication, i dont want to worry my parents, i just want it all to go away. thats partly why im writing in here, maybe if i write about my feelings it’ll make me more able to deal with them. because i cant deal with this at all atm.

so i didnt want to go out last night because it was tara’s leaving thing and i didnt feel like i ought to be there. i dnt really kno her and everyone else is so close to her and everyone else from beaumont, it just felt wrong to be there, like i was intruding. i went to her birthday thing and got ignored all night, even by tom and tom promised he wouldnt do that again this time, but that wasnt the only problem, it was just this whole big thing that i felt completely excluded from – that was the problem. i did go in the end and it wasnt too bad, i had quite a gd tme, but i think being drunk helped. i hate cat and christina, theyre such bitches. they blank me all the time and they clearly kno who i am, would it kill them to say hello? or to even smile? when i was dancing wth andy they saw andy and came up, in between me and him and started dancing with him in a 3 so that i was completely excluded from it. who does that? andy had to pull me bak to him so i wasnt just standing there on my own. apart from that it was pretty much ok.

andy txted me yesterday trying to persuade me to come out. i immediately asked tom if he’d told him to do that. he said no. andy told me later that altho it was his idea, he asked tom (basically for permission to txt me!) and tom said it would be a gd idea. but andy didnt txt me so tom txted him telling him to txt me. that sounds really confusing and ridiculous but essentially tom lied to me because he did tell andy to txt me. i knew he had and it basically made what andy said meaningless. it really upset me that tom lied about it, and im also not thrilled that andy now feels he has to check with tom if its ok for him to send me a txt msg!

andy was really sweet last night, he saw that i was upset (i was talking to tom about him lying to me) and came and looked after me. he said lots of nice things, what a nice person i am, how much i mean to him and how hes gonna miss me and how he hopes i will always talk to him if im upset. he also told me again that he really had wanted me to come out and that he wouldnt ignore me. but he hadnt spoken to me at all up until that point. i cant quite work it out. whenever hes drunk hes so nice to me and makes me feel like he does genuinely care about me. but i kno that now he wont make any effort to see me or spk to me until the next time we happen to be out together and hes drunk (tom, for the record, that doesnt mean i want u to tell him to talk to me). i dnt like it. its like we have about half an hour of connection when we’re out together and then he just cant be bothered any more. he never comes to see me, he only ever txts me if ive txted him first (hence why i immediately assumed tom had told him to do it when he spontaneously txted me). and it makes me feel that i cant go and see him, that i cant really spk to him, i even feel bad when i txt him. and i cant tell him that i feel like that because im scared of telling him how much i care about him when a lot of the time he makes me feel like he doesnt care about me at all.

i feel like ive had so many friendships where i like them more than they like me. most of my friends at home showed that they dont really give a shit about me. a lot of the ppl i live with last year did it as well. and i can see it happening with ppl this year, especially andy. and it affects things with tom. im scared that its the same with him, that i love him more than he loves me, that he might not care about me at all. and i put so much pressure on him to prove it to me. i kno that i can be paranoid about it. i was so worried about being ignored last night but when i was upset every single person i was out with checked if i was ok. ppl do show me that they care about me but i feel like i have to question it all the time. when someone tells me that they care about me i feel like im never sure if they’re telling the truth. and i take it out on them, i take it out on tom so much, i make him prove that he loves me because im so scared of what it would be like if he didnt. and i kno i should just believe him, i kno its my problem, that its an issue with me, but i dnt kno how to deal with it. i dnt kno how to deal with any of it, i just wish i didnt feel like this.