guilt
i’m tired of feeling guilty
i feel like ive felt guilty my whole life
i used to think it was all the alcohol, so i havent drunk for about 2 years, probably more
but it cant just be that, it must be something about me, so now i drink, to prove that i can be trusted even when im intoxicated
i dnt kno
i want to write uncensored but the truth is i dnt kno what to say
the truth is i dnt want tom to read this
and i dnt kno why
what am i afraid he might find out?
he thinks i fancy andy
do i? no, the truth is i dnt look at other guys like that any more, not now i have tom
if i wasnt with tom i probably would fancy him
thats a change, that must be progress right? things used to be different
before
with mat. i fancied mat
so is this a sign that ive changed?
or is it just that ive relabelled the feelings to alleviate the guilt
i just want attention, thats what its all about with me, i spent so much of my life never getting noticed, and now my bf doesnt seem to have time for me
that was always the crucial factor, interest
with james, with mat, nothing would’ve happened if they hadnt shown an interest
not to say that i was an innocent party, but it wasnt like i jumped on anyone
they showed an interest and i responded
like when mat and i kissed, it was more like he kissed me, and i let him
like when andy held my hand when we danced, i let him
there r similarities and i dnt like it, i like andy cuz he pays attention to me, its not that i fancy him, its that he pays me attention
and i cant stop telling myself ive done nothing wrong
like with mat, when i told myself all the reasons why nothing would ever happen between us
and it still did
god i dnt kno
im scaring the hell out of myself
i just want to be trusted
i dnt want this to be all our relationship is, but it is, this is what its all about, i fuck up and he forgives me, thats what its all based on
i just wish he could trust me
i read in one of my poems i wrote ages ago ‘am i doubting your trust or my ability to be trusted?’
it still applies, is it that i dnt think he trusts me? or that i dnt think he should?
i just wish i could change everything
i wish i was thinner, prettier, fitter, less shy, just … better
i wish i could change myself into a completely different person
maybe then i could be happy
the truth is that when he’s had enough he can just walk away
and i will never do that, no matter how badly he treats me, i will always stay because the thought of losing him is so painful, i kno i couldnt cope, hes said it to me before, that we should break up, and then afterwards changed his mind, and i think in a way it was just a kind of test, but i could never do that, what if he agreed? what if he thought that actually not being with me would suit him better? what if i was left on my own? i couldnt bear it
everyone else seems to have so much more fun than me
i just seem to feel so miserable atm
i dnt kno how to make things better
im so lonely
the truth is that without him i have noone
just a few of his friends that ive borrowed, that im currently sharing, that, if it came down to it, would go to him not me
he leant me a water bottle to go to my lectures with a few weeks ago, i wrote ‘i love tom’ on it in the lecture then gave it bak to him, its in my room now, he left it here, hes ripped the bit with my message on off the bottle (it was on the label), i asked him about it and he denied it, said he had a few of the bottles and it must be a different one i have in my room. you can see the pen marks on it around the bit thats been ripped off
oh well, not as bad as cheating on someone is it?
it doesnt really matter if he hurts me cuz whatever he does will never be as bad as what i did
i buy him lil presents sometimes
partly because i think it’ll make him happy
partly because i wish he’d do the same for me
he doesnt
its not major things, its just
i dnt kno
im scared to say that it could be better
because i might end up with nothing
i just dnt kno, im not even crying any more, i feel numb
i feel sick