eating cookies while crying.

Im really not sure what to write. Its 3:00 and I’ve been crying the entire day.

Paul and I got in a huge blow out this morning that escalated way quicker than I anticipated, as usual. He ended up slamming doors and throwing things and saying "fucker!" like he does when it gets really bad. But it caught me way off guard because I didn’t think it was as bad as all that. Maybe he knows in part that im right.

Which would contradict all the text messages ive gotten today saying that I need to apologize, I can fuck off, this is all my fault, its gonna be bad now, remember how good it was, im such a bitch, blah blah blah. I haven’t responded to a single one. Mostly in hopes that when presented with the "conversation", one way conversation he had with himself via my phone, he will see how insane he sounds.

Im sure whats got me criticizing him so much lately is ALL THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT with his parents and all my conversations with his brother. His brother basically broke down their fucked up childhood and his theories on whats wrong with Paul, and how his parents caused it. And here I am, pregnant with #2, thinking we might be having a boy this time, and starting to read this stuff and FREAK OUT that maybe Paul’s unresolved issues are going to fuck up our children. And then he keeps doing things, little things maybe, that prove I might be right.

He has always been selfish but its tarpon season now, so selfishness is at an ALL TIME HIGH. That’s one thing. And he keeps swearing like a fucking sailor (yes I see the irony here but this is my journal) in front of my parents, knowing they hate swearing (but they have always tolerated it from him and not judged. my mom does keep saying he needs to stop swearing in front of our 2 year old though). He has been doing some really teenage-boy type bullshit. Like today. We were jogging with lucy. He wanted to run through this gated community for a change of pace. I told him there was a security guard, I could see the person in the box as we approached. He said he didn’t give a fuck. We get up there and he is questioned immediately and starts to make shit up and try to keep running through. The OLD LADY told us, sorry nice folks, but you cant come in here unless you live here or visiting someone. So paul said "JESUS CHRIST LADY!" and might have even said some swear words to her. I was so embarrassed I don’t remember what he said except for that part. I was like, "paul its not that big of a deal!" and he huffed and puffed and acted like a total asshole and we left.

Then he said to me, "see, someone is always trying to stand in my way".

WHAT. THE FUCK.

This instantly got my heart rate going and I kept lucy several paces ahead of him the entire morning. My blood was boiling. I was just thinking about what this teaches our kids. If we have a boy, he will learn from his father that its ok to treat women, elderly, and just about everyone, just like that, HOWEVER the fuck you want. Its your life, don’t take shit from NO ONE! That’s what paul said. It doesn’t matter if youre breaking the rules, you take what you WANT! That’s what his family, literally, taught him.

I don’t think I need to even explain how I feel about this.

Things like that have been bothering me lately and I hardly ever see him, so its just built up. Paul thinks ive been being a bitch ever since my parents moved down here. I admitted ive been being a bitch, but its been ever since I got pregnant. And that’s the truth. Ive been way more irritable and emotional lately, its been hard to control. But it has nothing to do with my parents. He always wants to bring our parents into this. Especially my parents of course, never his. He thinks my parents make me hate him and judge him. He text me, "I refuse to be judged!"

Well buddy, we will all be judged at the pearly gates, so good luck with that idea.

They never say a bad word about him. My mom hasn’t said anything since she’s been down here- it was before they came down that she asked me if Paul was still swearing in front of Lucy. They are not making me judge him! His brother and the behavior of his own parents is what is making me judge him.

He just walked in unexpectedly while im writing this. awesome. I pretended I was doing school. Lucy woke up from her nap. He said to her "wanna see mommy and daddy fight again? its going to be a common thing now."

See what a fucking Neanderthal im dealing with?

He makes me hate him so easily.

I don’t know what to do now to pull myself out of this fight. His behavior pisses me off. what he said pisses me off. Im pregnant with his child and now because we faught, I garuntee the immarutre little fucking child Paul is sitting at work thinking what a bitch I am and how he wishes he wasn’t having this baby with me. Which breaks my heart the most, because we WANT this child. He just cant see past the temporary, ever, and he gets all caught up in whatever is going on RIGHT NOW that he completely loses sight of the truth and reality of our lives. The things he says make no sense at all.

I have that same feeling I had on my birthday. That he just isn’t right for me and I was blind.

Not sure if that even matters but that’s how I feel right in this moment.

I mean, is there any one person who is right for another? Like soul mates or whatever? Im not saying there is or isn’t. But at this point I would take a completely loveless but highly functioning relationship over this shit. Like what I had with Dan back in the day. I didn’t love him or respect him, but I "liked him", and he totally put me first and took care of me, and always did the right thing. He was a good hearted guy who wasn’t out for anything other than making me happy and treating me how he felt I deserved to be treated. Its never been like that with paul. And while the love was missing there, I would take zero emotions over fighting and anger and love and turmoil.

Whatever, Im drained.