Desperate Housewife

So Lucy is 9 months old! She is amazing and wonderful, but thats not what I came here to write about.

I look back on the past year and I have spent so much of my precious time being upset/sad/angry/depressed/confused about me and my husband. Our marraige. Him. Our relationship. What the hell happened? And is it really that bad? isnt this normal? Should I accept this? Don’t I deserve more? Am I being a petulant child? Shouldnt I be grateful for what I have? Am I complaining about nothing? Am I making too much of this? The baby is whining for attention and I cant even do this. Babies never let you sit at the computer while they play by themselves, FYI for those of you who are baby crazy like some of my naive friends. I am highly irritable.

Alright took care of the baby. Where was I? Oh yeah. The 3 marraige lies. I read this in some Christain article about marriage.

#1 He should be making me feel loved.

#2 I married the wrong man.

#3 there is someone better for me out there.

When things get rough, these lies are all thats in my head. We arent fighting right now, not like we were months ago. That was nasty. But that is a LOT better. We arent fighting at all anymore and the little sparks have come back between us. We are getting along great and I’m not constantly mad at him. We had some good sex a couple times (well, any sex is good sex since we never have it. it wasnt actually GOOD, but it was something! and it wasnt BAD.) Things were going good. But I did walk in on him jerking off to porn on our big screen computer, and I was freaking crushed about it. I know he jerks off in the bathroom and i know he looks at porn. But I couldnt get onto him about it because we arent having sex. So I decided to do some focussing on myself and what I can do to make things more like they used to be. What I can work on within myself in order to get what I want out of our marraige (which is the return of closeness, intimacy, good sex, cuddling, touching, love, romance, friendship, alone time, sparks, etc.) It was reccomended that I read the book "fifty shades of grey" to spice up my sex life or just get me in the mood in general. I am an avid reader and im always reading something on my kindle, so I thought, great idea! And it was. Im finishing the 2nd book today and of course im hypnotized. Diving into some dirty sex lit has taken away some of my fears and inhibitions. "What we do behind closed doors is just for us. Don’t think about it. Free your mind and just feel your body." YES! So I’ve been feeling like I got my mojo back. Now, this isnt all because of the damn books. When Lucy was about to turn 9 months, I got my first period since before I got pregnant!!! Thats 18 months of an alterred hormonal state. Im still breastfeeding, and thats kept my period away, and messed with my hormones (a wee bit dry down south, in more ways than one) but since she is getting older, im nursing her less. I feel so normal again. My sex drive is back in full swing. HURRAY!!! So I’ve been feeling so sexy. When me and Paul take Lucy for walks, I’m wearing my skin tight work out pants and swaying my hips. I love my new ass. Its way better than it was pre-baby. I am skinny like pre-baby but in a new way, with a different shape that I dont mind at all. My body has changed since having a baby, and I could look at it in a bad way (i hate my boobs now unless they are full of milk, otherwise they are saggy and it SUCKS!) because there are certainly negatives, but i think since its DIFFERENT im regarding it as better. Its something new. My hips and stuff have a different shape since being pregnant. Weird how that happens. Anyway, i busted out all my lingerie and ive been shaving my whole body every day. I got a hair cut. Im TRYING. Of course Paul doesnt seem to be noticing at all. But oh well- I havent cared because this is for me too. Then I started reading the books and Im like, yeah…i need some real sex. And Im going to ask for it. So I got some sex, but it wasnt what I was looking for. It was selfish and lack luster and completely disapointing. But I have been bold with my mouth lately, so I told him he owes me. He tried for 1 minute to get me off, and it was a pathetic attempt at that, then gave up. After we finished, i said "you owe me now". And he was confused but I held my own and we laughed about it. The next day when he brought up "remember how I did ya yesterday" or something like that, jokingly, I rolled my eyes and sighed "uh YEAH i remember, and you owe me from that!" I went on to say that my sex drive it back and I am pissed that he sleeps on the couch every night (he does) and I understand that this is fishing season and he warned me it was going to be all about fishing this month and I was going on the back burner…ok fine….but when Tarpon season is over, its GAME ON. Its going to be back about US. I told him he will be sleeping in my bed EVERY night, we will be having more sex, and I was get cuddled and TOUCHED (he never touches me) etc etc etc. He just laughed and kind of said OK i think.

Since that convo i caught him (in so many words) jerking off every day. What the FUCK. This is where I am this morning. I told him I want to have more sex. Ive told him 50 fucking times. 7 months ago I wrote it in an email. But I gave up back then….i was chicken shit to do anything about it, and he contined to jerk off and my ego was wounded….i take full responsibilty for that time, the past few months. But this time its his fault and I was so wounded. He normally comes home to see us at 5pm every day for 10 minutes or so. I text him and said we were at the pool, so come see us there at 5 instead. He acted like he didnt get that text in time or something, and went home. He said "where u at", which he knew the answer to….what the hell…..come to find he went home even though he knew we werent there, and he watched porn instead. He text me all sad that he didnt get to see his girls on his break today….oh really?? When we were both home later at night, i asked him "so, did you come home on your break?" He mumbled. "yes or no!?" He was totally caught off guard and said Yeah. I said, "I told you where we were. We were at the pool waiting for you to let us know you were coming home so we could meet you. Why the hell didnt you tell me you were home? I would have brought the baby to see you. I WAS WAITING FOR YOUR CALL."  He just said "oh shut up" and I walked out and went to bed at 10:30. We didnt act mad at each other this morning at all, but we didnt talk about it. Then I swear to god he jerked off in the bathroom this morning. I dont know for sure, but he locked the door and the water was running forever. He might have been taking a shit, yeah i know, but i swear i could hear him heavy breathing. I sound like a crazy stalker but i dont care. How many times do i go in there and MY lotion is out on the sink?? Why the fuck would he need that fancy lotion? It smells like a girl, he wouldnt be putting it on himself for moistorizer. And then months ago i found my cosmo mag propped up to a bikini model….what the fuck? does he sit on the toilet and jerk it? what a fucking weirdo! Maybe all men do this.

Im not mad about him needing alone time etc….but its so damn hurtful th

at his wife would flirt with him all the time, wear sexy undies, say sexual comments, flat out let him know with exact words that she wants more sex, beg him to sleep in bed with her every night,,,,and he chooses to jerk off every fucking day instead of taking care of his damn wife. this is taking selfish to a whole new level. And ya know what, this is nothing new. He has been doing this our entire relatiosnhip. I am so sick of this bullshit. I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS. I feel alone and desperate now. He has made me feel like this so many times.

I am worried that reading this book is just making me hyper-focus on sex…i mean, between that and other things, i am thinking about sex a lot. So maybe im over analyzing this because its just what i am focussing on right now. I know thats true about other things ive fretted over in the past. I know my mind works in fucked up ways. I know Im stir crazy becasue im out of school for the semester and im home alone with a baby all day now and im like a bored house wife. and we have no money so i cant do much of anything except fantasize and day dream (besides being a mom and putting my energy into the baby which i do). I know i know i know.

I just want the intimate, close relationship i used to have with my husband. Maybe im crazy and we havent had that since before we got married. We probably havent. And thats sad. I cant give up on us, not over something like this, but I so want to sometimes. I start to feel like I cant really live with this anymore and start to day dream about being with someone else. I dont want anyone else but Paul. But right now hes not giving me ANY of himself. I cant even talk to him. All he cares about is fishing, and how we have no money. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I care about all that too but right now im feeling like a girl, and girls need intimacy.

Im done with this right now. Im hating how I sound.