Figuring it out.

I’m pleased to write that things are a lot better than last week when I wrote. Thank God. I was so filled with anger (though it still takes over at times) that I didnt know WHAT was going to happen between us. I broke down and cried and talked to Paul’s family when they were over. They took Paul out on the boat and had a "talk". Paul and I didnt really talk much more about any of this, because all we had done was fight, but its better. I have learned that I need his help and support, but need to be careful in how I ask for it, and that I cant just expect it either (even though I deserve it, without asking…but men are men).

Here is what I posted in my whattoexpect forum (which I have used since I was trying to concieve Lucy; all the women who write on my message board have babies born in July 2011 so its all about the babies).

New marraige roles- SAHM does everything!?

My husband works, and its a lot more hours than most people (which he likes to remind me)….10:30am-10pm on average with 1 day off per week. Sometimes he gets home at 9pm, and sometimes he has a spur of the moment 2nd day off, but for the most part he works a lot. Right now I am staying at home with my 1 baby, but I start back at nursing school in Jan (where i will be going 2-3 days a week while grandma babysits, DH will not be watching the baby).
I am struggling with what our individual roles are. He thinks, in a nut shell, since I "DONT WORK" that I am in charge of everything: the baby at all times, him, the housework, the business aspect of our lives in general like bills, etc. Even when he is home, he doesnt help me with anything and asks me for things instead- like to make him something to eat, make phone calls for him, get his running stuff together for the morning- etc. By the time he gets home around 10pm, I have finally gotten the baby to sleep (which we all know can be a really long, exausting process) and I am sitting done alone for the first time that day to relax. Then he comes in and wants me to do stuff for him, he complains about work, and if i complain about anything at all, he rolls his eyes. Ive asked him for more help with the little things, like when he is sitting right there playing around on the computer while I am trying to get LO in her PJs….and i have to pee, and i havent even eaten dinner yet, and the cat starts tearing down the curtain….and DH doesnt even turn his head away….i have asked him could he like, just get her in her pjs while i pee??? Just little stuff like that. I’ve asked. He thinks my job is the baby and everything else, and his job is to go to work to make all our money, so he shouldnt have to help with anything when he is home. He said if I had a job, he would have to split the duties with me at home. Which is why he is so set on me staying at home!! So he doesnt have to do anything! And I find it funny that he thinks he would be splitting the duties with me if I worked….he wouldnt even know HOW to take care of the crap I take care of!

Ok obviously I ended up venting there…but I want some other peoples perspectives. DH does work a lot, so should I just suck it all up and not expect anything out of him at all?

RESPONSES:

No, I think he needs to pitch in more around the house. But I’ve heard your DH’s argument before from my friend’s husband. The way I see it, marriage is a "partnership" right? I mean, let’s just say hypothetically that your DH is a multi-millionaire. Does that mean he doesn’t have to lift a finger whatsoever in raising his own child/children?? I think he needs to really evaluate what kind of role he wants to play in his children’s lives. Anyone who stays home alone with a baby or children knows that it is an incredibly hard job. No one person in a marriage should be expected to shoulder ALL the household responsibilities by themselves. It’s just not right!!

Sounds very identical to my SO and I. He works 12 hour shifts 2-4 days a week and another job on the rest of the days with 10/12 hour shifts there as well. We have definitely had our battles when it comes to this debate and it boiled down to him realizing that my job is 24/7 with no breaks or days off for the rest of LOs childhood. Now that doesn’t mean that he recognizes it that often, it’s normally when I am pushed to my breaking point and am yelling at him because I’m sick of being a "single parent" when we both decided to start a family. Good luck, men are terrible about this stuff especially if they grew up seeing the gender roles of their parents being this way. I also like to remind SO that I am not his mother and refuse to behave as one when I’m supposed to be his lover as well.

Your husband needs to help out. It seems as if he is treating you as a nanny/housekeeper, not a wife. Taking care of the baby is your job. I will even agree that taking care of the house is your job, but not without any breaks or assistance. He may have a demanding job, but he is also a father and a husband (who gets to kick back and relax without lifting a finger at home). Does he spend any time with the baby at all? He needs to foster a relationship with your baby. That is very important. Also, I know you were venting, but that comment that your husband wants you home so he doesn’t have to help doesn’t sit well with me. It sounds rather controlling. How was your relationship before baby?
 

Completely unacceptable! In this day and age if one parent stays home the other parent HAS to work more. Your dh is NOT the only man that works six days or more a week, nine hours or more a day! That doesn’t give him any excuse to make you do everything including taking care of his personal stuff. Here’s what happens in our house. I cook one a week. He makes all other meals, does all the grocery shopping, (he has my car to get to work, and more money than I do!) And of course he takes care of all of his own personal stuff. Getting ready for work, gym etc. on average he has one day off every two Weeks, and usual only works nine hours a day but sometimes up to sixteen. (sacrifices have to be made to Keep me at home for the first full year, we think it’s important for bonding, etc.)I take care of ask other house hold duties and baby. However, of the house work does not get done, it doesn’t matter, and when our little one is up all night for whatever reason, he gets up with her as well to let me grab a nap so I can handle the rest of the night. So although I do 90% of the baby work, I an also with her 90% of the time. Also, on his days off, I let him sleep in and then he’s fair game! 😉 although usually he’s with her all day those days anyway, I don’t need to ask just b/c he hasn’t seen her all week. In my opinion, your dh needs to get his head out of his a$$!

I’m not sure how it would be if we had one baby, but DH helps out and he works a lot as well. I don’t, so I still do most of the stuff around the house…but he’ll do dishes, fix bottles if need be, cook sometimes. He can help out with the baby IMO. Just because he works outside the home doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a job when he gets home, which is to be your husband to you and a fat

her to your baby. Also, let him fix his own damn running bag lol. I’d cut him some slack, but at the same time you have to tell him how you feel. He needs to help out with the baby. He can give her a bath so you can eat dinner, fix her bottle while you get her dressed, etc. There are plenty of things he can and SHOULD be doing as a father other than simply making the money that keeps you three fed and clothed.

MY REPLY

"SCREEN NAME"….you are singing my song!!!!! He is not going to change- he told me that. Everything you said in your post, I could have written myself. In regards to some of the other questions on here….yes, he spends time with her. That would be in the mornings before work (he will hold her for about 15 minutes if he has time before work- or longer if he can) and when it gets home, she might be awake, in which case he would hold her, but she normally isnt. I kept her awake until 10pm last night just so he could hold her- which he played with her for a few minutes, then just put her on his lap while he looked at facebook on the computer. He is GOOD with her when he gets to see her, but no–he does not change diapers, bathe her, lotion her, or anything like that. Granted- he doesnt GET a lot of time with her, so I feel bad about that because he says he would like to see her more often. But tomorrow he is off work and he is choosing to go fishing on his boat instead. I wish he would rather spend time with us, but i cant make him and I wont ask him to. He is not a bad person. We are just struggling with our roles, like i said. Im concerned now that so many people said they would never put up with this. He is training for a marathon too on top of working all the hours—so that leaves even less of him left over for me or the baby. I want more help from him, more consideration. I’ve asked for it, but he thinks ive got it easy and I should be grateful that he works so I can stay home. I dont know how to feel.

RESPONSES

I will preface this statement by asking you please not to overreact or take offense to what I am about to say. However, it has always been my opinion that when one parent stays at home, and the other works, it is the parent who stays at home’s job, for all intents and purposes, to care for the HOME – meaning kids, bills, housework, etc. If I were working that many hours, and my DH was staying at home, I wouldn’t be inclined to help out around the house either. When you’re a SAHP, that is your job. That said, I thought I could do the whole SAH thing, and boy, I wasn’t cut out for it! I love my kids, but I prefer both of us working full time, and splitting household duties. It’s just what works better for us. I could never, ever, ever shoulder the responsibility and work that a SAHM must shoulder. Those people who think being a SAHM is cake, they should try it for even a week and get back to me. It’s HARD. Really hard. So, kudos to you – I’m not belittling what you do. But, I do agree with your husband. If he’s working that many hours, and you’re not holding a job outside of the home, much of the burden does unfortunately fall on you.

I want to add this, though – for the times I was staying at home, and not working full time, my husband NEVER, EVER acted the way your husband did. Even though it was my belief that the house was my responsibility, he never acted that way. He’d start washing dishes after dinner, after working all day, and I’d tell him "Babe, let me do that. You worked all day, I didn’t…..I should be doing the dishes" and he’d say something like, "What are you insane? You were home with two kids all day and had a term paper to write. I can do the dishes, we’re a team". So even though I feel that your husband is technically right, I couldn’t be with someone like that. Does that make sense?

MY REPLY

"screen name", i know exactly what you are saying and it does make sense. Thats kind of my dilema. I know that most of the duties do fall on me since I dont have a job outside of home. DH says its MY job, and i see now that he is right. However, today he was off work (i am sitting here fuming, hense getting on this thread). We spent a nice day together after he went fishing until about noon. But he got up at 5am to go. So we get back from our day together at 8pm, with just enough time to give LO a bath and get her to bed. I ask if he would like to do the bath…..no. OK, fine. I’ll do it. He was moping around all tired anyway. So after her bath, im trying to lotion her and get her PJs on, and she is screaming her head off. The cat is tearing town stuff off the dresser, the light is on (i want it off), and i wanted to turn the sleepy-time music on. Where is he??? On the couch reading a fishing book. He can hear LO screaming from the other room, he can hear me scream at the cat. He can hear me huffing and struggling. FINALLY i couldnt hold it in anymore, and i said "thanks for all the help dad…." and he said "what?" but didnt get up. after he listened to this struggle for a solid 15 minutes, he comes strolling in and gets on the bed and coo’s to the baby. Im done by then, so i pick her up. I cant get the lamp off with one hand, so i give up and sit in the rocker to nurse her. He just sits there on the bed. WTF?!?!?! TURN THE DAMN LAMP OFF FOR ME, YOU IDIOT! YOU JUST SAW ME STRUGGLE WITH IT AND GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhh men are so damn stupid! I know Im expecting him to read my mind and know what i want, but how hard would it be to say "What do you want me to do?" I’d gladly tell him what I need- I know he doesnt know my bedtime routine because he is normally working when we do it. BUT FREAKING ASK ME WHAT HE CAN DO TO HELP! This is his baby too! Does he think he is on daddy duty only when he feels like it? Wish I had that luxury. And to answer someone elses question about what I get to do while he fishes or runs…..nothing. My MIL is great and watches her for me, but I limit that to times when i need to do something, becuase i dont want to waste my stash of pumped milk and i hate pumping. She told me i need to do something for me. I start classes in Jan and i will be too busy to have fun hobbies like he does. Im just resentful of him right now.
People suggested i get out of this relationship……I love him and I know this can work but like everyone said- he has his head up his A.s.s. My mom said he just isnt as emotionally mature as me (though he is 6 years older). We fight constantly and have both bluffed about leaving…..Im seeking therapy because this is really hard. But I am not a quitter and I wont leave him over this…but we will see how much I can take and if it gets better.

I wouldn’t leave him over this at all. I think the main thing is the two of you need to have a talk. I’m a SAHM as well, and I’ve had similar problems with my DH and we have twins. Sometimes he’ll be playing a video game and I’ll be dealing with a fussy baby and then the other one starts…so I’ll be looking at him and he’s still playing his game. I’m like "really?" There is a baby fussing on the floor, I’m dealing with the other one who I just got to calm down GET OFF THE XBOX! He listens to me but calls me a jerk for yelling at him lol. I th

en have to calmly explain to him how I’d like it if he pays attention to their needs and not just expect me to be the one to automatically get up and tend to them when they need it. I think it’s probably A LOT harder to get a husband to help with a first baby when there is only one rather than twins. Twins kind of force them into it, and they get comfortable doing it faster.

I think your husband is having somewhat of a hard time transitioning. He’s got to realize that his "free time" or "time off" is not really his anymore. It’s his child’s time. I have to tell my husband all the time that my job is 24/7 365 with no vacation time. That means when I want to take a bubble bath and read for an hour you park it and watch the babies and only get me if they’re screaming and crying and it’s too much for you to handle, otherwise you deal with it. Sometimes I have to get out because I hear crying and I’ll walk into the den in my towel and see him with both of them over his shoulder rocking them to calm them down. That’s usually when I step in to help. So, even though it may be hard for you, maybe you need to lock yourself in the bathroom, put on your iPod, and take a bubble bath. Tune out the world and leave the baby to him. Yes, she may cry but she’s his daughter and he needs to learn how to soothe her and she needs to get comfortable with him taking care of her. My husband used to complain that I would shove babies in his arms, but now it’s a usual thing for me to take bubble baths (long ones) during the day on the weekends. I’ll usually open the window in the bathroom if it’s cold outside, make the water really hot, get myself a drink (pepsi here lol) and read my book.

After reading that last one, I felt sooooo much better!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you thank you thank you! I feel like I can handle this situation after reading that. So last night I was still so upset about his lack of effort to help me- and then the baby woke up at 6am, then 7am, then last at 8am….I got up the first time, and the 2nd time I said "Dad, its your turn." He made an excuse and didnt get up (I was on the outside of the bed?!) and so I did it, and I was fuming again. But then when she woke up at 8am, DH popped out of bed right away. And guess what he did.
He changed her diaper, got her dressed for the day (which I dont even do right when she wakes up) and played with her while I took my time laying in bed. He knew I had been up since 6am and didn’t want to get outta bed yet…..then he said he wanted to go to the park as a family, so I got up. And I offerred to make us breakfast before we went. Because I was feeling nice, because he helped me. Its a domino effect of helping! Hurray! I feel like he realized that last night I did it all, and he might actually enjoy helping me. The baby was giggling the whole time he dressed her. I know this doesnt mean he gets it. This was just one time. But from what you said, it sounds like I am not the only one with a man that doesnt rush over to help when I need him. He is learning, and thats why I would never leave him over this. I am so mad about his selfishness, but you are absolutly right– if i just take the time for myself that i know i deserve, and sort of force him into taking care of LO, he will learn how to soothe her and be more confident. He WANTS to be a dad. He is just very wrapped up in himself right now and he is not seeing my point of view. He needs to walk a day in my shoes. I need to train him. I dont want to be angry all the time. I think he is having a hard time transitioning, like you said. He told me that I’ve changed (into a *****, more or less) but he hasnt changed at all. I said YOURE RIGHT! YOU HAVENT! We had a baby, and my life did a complete 180 and nothing about it is the same anymore. But his life is exactly the same…he goes to work, has his hobbies, gets his days off….but I cant even use the bathroom without some planning. Im having a hard time adjusting too and I really need him. I think we will get there if we work on it. Im glad to know im not alone though. I was starting to think everyone elses men were perfect and mine was a total a$$ !

So this online thread really helped me wrap my mind around what was going on here. And talking lightly on the subject with some women I used to work with. Everyone was kinda like "yeah, thats men! They cant read your mind, and they have no clue what they could do to help unless you tell them. This one post really helped me too:

I think the main thing is that for us as women, it’s a natural thing to be ready to jump up at the littlest whimper our kids let out. For men it’s more of a learning experience. Something that takes more discipline to do than it does women I guess. I know when the twins start fussing my husband doesn’t even blink an eye because it’s automatically assumed I’ll get up, and I don’t think it’s because he’s lazy or that he assumes it’s my job…I think he’s just used to me doing it…and I’m used to doing it. We have to be more vocal in what we want and expect from them…my husband tells me that all the time when I blow up at him for not helping me. He says "all you had to do was ask and not keep it all bottled up until you get angry." And then I think that he’s heard them crying and he’s seen me taking care of them, can’t he see me struggling? And then I think no, he can’t see me struggling. What he sees is me taking care of the twins and handling it. Not me having trouble dealing with it on my own. He can’t read my mind. He only sees what I tell him, if that makes sense. If I tell him I’m struggling he can see it, if I don’t he just assumes (logically) that I’ve got a good handle on it. This whole "you don’t help me out" thing is mainly a weekend problem for us, but sometimes by the middle of the day Saturday all I can do is look at him and roll my eyes. That’s how I know it’s time for a bubble bath. Some blissful alone time during the day. Since your husband is usually not there for her bed time routine, why don’t you make it routine for the nights he is home for him to do her bath? It’s a break for you, a bonding (and learning experience) for your husband and daughter, and it lets him become more comfortable in his role as a caregiver. Even if she cries, let him do it. He’s a dad now, he can’t be scared of a screaming, crying baby forever 🙂

And now I think I can do this!