99 Problems
As either a note of explanation or a pre-emptive excuse, this came out of a car trip I took with my girlfriend a little while back. It was a very long trip, and we both got somewhat bored of listening to music and so we started on this.
So – apologies in advance, and enjoy.
Professor Dumbledore dropped his head in to his hands, letting out a sigh.
"Problems Albus?" The Sorting Hat asked. Dumbledore looked up, then nodded.
"It’s this new rule about wearing trousers. I’ve had complaints from 22 first years, 22 second years, and 11 students from each of the other five years, all objecting to being forced to wear trousers under their robes"
"Are they from the boys and the girls?" The Hat asked. Dumbledore paused, then shook his head.
"So far it is only the wizards that have been complaining about it. None of the girls seem to mind that much" The Hat looked at him thoughtfully, then smiled.
"So are you telling me you’ve got 99 problems, but a witch aint one?"
The Condor stared at the tax demands in front of him, then looked up as his partner in crime entered the room.
"Look at all these tax demands!" The Condor complained "A hundred of them….." He paused, then picked up one of them and tore it up.
"Con?"
"That was a birthday card from my mother" The Condor grinned "But anyway – look at this!" He threw his hands up in annoyance "I thought after I’d killed Richie, his parents, Noovo, Mintley, Cleo, Worry, Stormy and that damned dog Dollar all my worries would be over – but now I’ve got more problems than before" His partner in crime looked at him, then smiled.
"Well – look on the bright side, boss"
"And that is?"
"You’ve got 99 problems, but a Rich aint one"
"All the children at school hate me" Lilo moaned to her sister.
"What did you do?" Nani looked at her sympathetically.
"Nothing!" Lilo protested emphatically "And now that it’s merged with another school, there are nearly twice as many as before!"
"Another fifty?"
"Another 49" Lilo sighed, then she looked out in to the garden where her best friend – a blue alien puppy type creature – was romping around in the freshly mown grass "At least he still loves me" Nani followed her gaze, then grinned.
"Poor dear. 99 problems, but a Stitch aint one"
Dawson Leery stared down at the gravestone in front of him, and let out a slight sigh of relief. The girl next to him rested her hand on his shoulder.
An hour before, the zombie apocalypse that had been ravaging the world had finally come to Capeside, infecting nearly a hundred people in one night.
Dawson had escaped the initial infection, but had been running ever since Jen had tried to eat his face off.
His mother had moved away five years earlier, taking his younger sister with her. He missed them both, but was happy that they were not here to see the terror now rampaging through their home town.
He glanced down at the gravestone again, then he looked around.
After he and his wife had fled his home, he had had a sudden panic attack that his father’s body – buried these fifteen years – might rise from the grave and come to kill him. The idea of it turned his blood cold, and he knew he had to find out what was happening in the local graveyard.
They had arrived a few minutes earlier, and gone straight to his father’s grave.
Much to his relief, the ground hadn’t been disturbed and – as far as he could tell – his father was still enjoying his eternal rest.
Suddenly there was a noise behind him, and he turned to see the entire zombie army shuffling towards him across the graveyard.
He gave a soft laugh.
"What’s so funny?" Andie Leery (nee McPhee) asked.
"I was just thinking – we’ve got 99 problems, but a Mitch aint one"
Madame Pomfrey looked down at Harry Potter with a disapproving glare.
"Never have I seen such a ridiculous stunt!" She bellowed at him "You’ve cracked every one of your ribs at least three times, broken your left leg in 6 places, your right in 4, your left arm in 3 place and your left arm in 7" She paused "And you’ve got four fractures in your pelvic bone" She shook her head "What the hell were you thinking?"
"I had to catch it!" Harry replied "It was the championship match!"
"All this because you wanted to win a game?" She shook her head "If you weren’t graduating this year, I would ban you for the rest of your time here" She waved at him "Do you know how long this is going to take to heal? Do you know how much pain you’re going to be in? Do you know…. why the hell are you smiling?"
"Because it just occurred to me" Harry grinned up at her "I’ve got 99 problems….." He held up the little golden ball he had caught after jumping off his broom "….but a snitch aint one"
"This building isn’t up to code" Dan looked over at Piper "I’ve got nearly a hundred problems here"
"Does anything work?" She asked.
"That dimmer that your sister installed works just fine" Dan nodded.
"So I’ve got 99 problems but a switch aint one?"
Okay. I’m done.
(There was one about ninety nine lights going out during the Superbowl but the astro-turf being completely unaffected, and there was another about someone being bitten by nearly 100 mosquitos, but due to a strong will power he didn’t feel any desire to scratch at the various bites he had, and a third one about someone from East Lancashire spelling most words wrong, but remembering to the put silent H in school, but I think that’s enough for now!)