Should Auld Acquaintances Be Forgot

I had a dream last night about my best friend.  It left me sad and troubled, with no alternative but to feel sad and troubled.

We met my first day in college.  We had been sitting in the front row of Sociology 201, a few seats apart.  She had left the room about halfway through the introductory lecture and didn’t return, although her things were still there when the professor handed out some papers.  It was my first class on my first day of college and I wondered about her.  So I took an extra sheet of each.  After the class was completed, she returned to get her things and I handed her the papers.  She said she was surprised and thankful for my kindness.  Turned out she was so nervous about returning to school that she had to take a smoke break.  We were both in our late 20s, both single, both nervous about coming to college.  We became fast friends then and there.

Over the years, we were there for one another.  Through joyous events, sad events. Scary things.  We were there for one another.  She went through a major depression and I was there.  I went through a heart breaking breakup and she was there.  My sons’ father sued me for custody of my sons and she was there.  Her mother died and I was there to help her through the arrangements, through the funeral, the aftermath.  Through heart breaks and happiness.  We were soulmates, with a friendship so deep that when she suddenly stopped returning my calls I thought she was just busy. 

But it turned out that she just didn’t want to be friends any more.  I never learned or understood what I did to cause her to just stop our deep friendship of over 10 years.  But it was over.  We never spoke again.

In my dream last night, we met again after these 20 years and slowly danced around our friendship.  The conversation was stifled, general, awkward.  Every moment of the meeting I wanted to ask her what happened, what I had done to cause her to walk away, but I refrained.  We smiled a lot and blathered on about general life.  In my dream I realized our lives had gone on without the other in them.  And then I woke up. 

I woke up with many realizations.  I realized that I expected men to come and go, to leave without reason but never my women friends.  And I realized I have never again had a friend like her.  I realized that I have never allowed anyone to come that closely to me even as I crave a friendship that deep.

And this makes me sad and troubled…about the grief of the death of a friendship, about the death of trust.  About the way we try to protect ourselves from pain and loss.

I believe this dream came from thinking about a post a friend made on Facebook.  Go to urbandictionary.com and type in your name.  Mine came out like this:

Doris: Truly beautiful, both inside and out. She laughs a lot and is always there for you, willing to listen and help. Doris is someone everyone likes from the beginning. You just have to look at her and you know she’s an interesting and friendly person. She’s very determined to make the best of her life and is charming and competitive at certain things. She’s great fun to be around and always makes you feel happy and loved.

Doris is the best friend anyone could have. Once you get to know her you hope she’ll be your friend forever.

And so it goes.
peace~~