How am I supposed to feel?

 

 

 I received a phone call from my birth father telling me that my grandfather, his father, passed away this morning. I’m still not sure how I feel about that. I just met him 13 years ago and then didn’t see him again until a couple of years ago. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t remember because he is blind, partially deaf, and I’m pretty sure he had dementia. I mean death is sad in and of itself, I’m just not sure that I am sad.

So I was on Facebook and of course my family has posted so many farewells and I love you, say hi to grandma, and on and on. Most of this is from my little brother, whom like I did not grow up knowing them and had just met him for the first time a couple years ago. Apparently my brother is a sentimental person. He immediately took to that side of the family and jumped right in on all the family functions as if it had always been that way and I am angry with him for it.

Could it be that I am jealous of his ability to truly forgive and forget? I mean where were all these family members when both of our parents were locked up or strung out on drugs? Where were they when we were living from house to house, in the foster care system, sometimes not knowing where we would be sleeping the next day?

Could it be that I am angry at them for just now wanting to be in our lives? When we need them the least?

Could it be that I am a grudge holder?

Could I be that I am angry that these same family members, including my brother, will drive miles and hours to visit one another and yet they can’t come to see me? I’m still not over the Thanksgiving thing.

I feel like such an outsider right now. I am so conflicted and don’t know what to feel. All I feel is anger.

I feel like I am expected to feel the same as the rest of the family and I just can’t drum up those kind of feelings.

 Does this mean that something is wrong with me? Do I have some deep seeded issues that has never been resolved?

I hope I am just being crazy right now. If I think about it long enough, I will find that I am having the appropriate reaction.

I could make more of an effort to forgive and forget, let by gones be by gones and enjoy my family while I still can. 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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