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I wonder how many entries I have with that same title. I am in such a funk. It came on Sunday and it’s getting heavier and heavier. I really need a reset. I think it’s my cycle but who knows. I usually have a lot of tension build up this time of year and then a nervous breakdown. I haven’t had a nervous breakdown in a while.
My birth father called me yesterday to see if I was okay due to the CT thing. It apparently affected my brother in a big way. He is in no way connected to that, other than being a father, which has changed him a lot. He used to be a little thug, selling drugs, gang banging and all, but once he got married and then had his son, he calmed down a lot. My birth father said he was depressed and wanted to make sure that I was okay. I am sad for all those little lost souls but I am more angry than sad because I just can’t understand how something like this could happen to someone so innocent. Miss Adia has already covered my exact feelings on the issue so I won’t repeat it.
My birth father also explained why he didn’t come on Thanksgiving. He said that he was depressed because his uncle passed away the day before and that he just wanted to get back home. I guess I can understand that, but why shut out or lose time with the family that is here to morn that family that is gone. Losing someone should make you want to hold onto to the ones that you have. I suppose that’s just me.
In my time if funkiness, I have given up on DePhoMo. I’ve just lost interest in it as well as some other things. I’m finding it very difficult to enjoy the holidays like I used to. I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like not knowing why I put up the Christmas tree, or why we bought out 1 year old presents, I don’t like not knowing why we put up Christmas lights or go to Christmas parties. It almost all seems pointless to me and that is scary. It makes my heart hurt. I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep it off until next year.
Where is the reset button?
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I have been in a funk as well. I do believe that we should go through the process of the lights, trees, and presents even when we don’t feel the season. It is important to keep traditions going, especially with little ones. I think things being consistent are important…that being said it isn’t always easy. I hope things look up for you soon.
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