You cry alone and then he swears he loves you…

~So broken right now… I really just want to spend the day crying, but I can’t seeing as I’m at work and there is the potential for people to see me and I have to make some phone calls later… Not looking forward to those… Not. At. All…

~So here is the deal… I have found out that I have yet again been lied to.  By you guessed it men.  And I really don’t understand.  I’m always honest.  I don’t know why they feel the need to lie to me.  I rather be hurt by the truth than crushed by a lie.  So here is the story…

~S and I had a couple night thing a while ago… He kinda stopped talking to me and I was like whatever I wasn’t 100% sure he and his girlfriend were completely broken up even though he told me that they were but I did ask.  So we has our nights and that’s just kinda where it ended… Well come to find out that apparently this guy has been ENGAGED to this girl for some time now! WHAT THE F***!!!! Isn’t she enough for him? Why did he really need to screw with me? I don’t get it.  Its not like I was the one throwing myself at him.  He was the one that asked me to hang out with him and he was the one that set everything up.  If he was really with her the whole time wow, I feel awful for her, he definitely kinda cheated on her… Unless you don’t count making out as cheating cuz then well he wouldn’t have…

~Now I can’t say that I’ve been a perfect angel with taken men, no i have not, and i’m not proud of that, but I asked him when he stuck his tounge down my throat if there was another girl.  He said no.  That should mean that there is not fiance waiting for him when he gets home, one i’m sure he f***ed when he got home after I warmed him up… That is just so demeaning to me… I do not deserve this.

~Next there is J.  Well J and I finally had our night not too long ago and well it was great except for the part where he was kinda drunk and I’m not sure what he all remembers from it, regardless… so I’m pretty sure he lied to me about everything that he said to me that night. EVERYTHING!!!! I found out that he excluded me from outings with our friends for some reason, and I trusted him.  I confided in him things that if I would have known he was just  going to use me then lie to me about things later I would have never told him.  He makes me feel so worthless now.  I don’t know why I thought that he actually cared about me… Why I trusted him enough with this information… Now I can never trust him again… and it sucks cuz I’m going to have to talk to him and pretend that everything is ok, when inside all I want to do is die, cuz I can’t figure out any other way to end the pain.  Its seriously suffocating me.  I can feel this pressue building up over my heart and its hard to breathe. It really is awful.  I have not felt this kind of hurt in such a long time, I was hoping that I would never feel it again, I just don’t know what to do about it. I really don’t… I don’t want to go on.  I don’t want to have to face these people.  I don’t want to just plaster a smile on my face and act all cheery when i’m crumbling inside.  I know the act… I’m good at the act, but I also know how much energy that requires and I do not have that energy. 

~What’s better, is J actually said he loved me.  Just out of no where he looked at me and said "I love you"

~None of this makes any sense.  These aren’t the first times that I have been lied to, but with these two people I asked them both to never lie to me. And guess what. They did.  YAY go megan, no one actually cares about you.  No one cares enough about you to actually do the little thing you request.  I honestly didn’t think that was a huge thing for them to accomplish.  I don’t lie, don’t lie to me.  Pretty easy right?  I don’t get it. And now guess what guys??? I’m sitting here fighting back tears while you are galavanting around hurting other people.  If I knew a way to stop them I would… But I’m not quite sure its possible.  Some men are just meant to be heartbreakers… actually I think all men are meant to be heartbreakers…

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