Unwanted

~So I finally figured out why this week pretty much sucked… Its cuz I’ve felt pretty unwanted all week… Well that’s not entirely true.  There was one day this week where I kinda felt wanted but in the end, I made yet another mistake and am now paying for that.  And yes it sucks.  All this time I really thought people liked me… and all this time, it just feels like they have been pretending.  I feel so unwanted right now.  Like nothing I do will ever be good enough to be wanted.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I just want to kick and scream and let it all out, but that’s not really my style.  Not.At.All.  It really sucks cuz I don’t feel like I have any way to really get out my feelings I’m having right now.  You would think that a person couldn’t feel so many things at one time.  I just hate it.  It makes everything else so much more confusing! An I don’t like it. Somedays I wish that I could just not feel at all.  In reality that would be easier, but then I wouldn’t be able to feel the good times too, even though those seems to be few and far in between, they still occasionally happen and no matter how many bad things happen, losing those feelings would suck.

~So it appears that in reality I’m just really stuck right now.  Every time I feel like I’m getting to a new step in my life, moving to a happier time, and then life reminds me that "oh just kidding you really can’t ever be happy, ever!"  I don’t like getting teased by this.  But it keeps happening… and my friend A wonders why I have decided to build a rather tall strong wall.  Its just easier that way.  If you don’t let anyone have the chance to get in, they can’t hurt you.  Its when they start chiseling away at the wall and forming a whole, where they might have the power to break it all down into bits and pieces… and I’ve had that happen.  And I don’t want it to happen again.  I’m just done with it, all of it.  If the wall is the only way to protect myself then I will keep fortifying it until its unbreakable.