No You Didn’t Have To Stoop So Low

~So my new theme song for my life is Somebody That I Used To Know… I prefer the glee version to it compared to the Goyte version but that’s besides the point. This song is just so real to how I’m beginning to feel about the guys in my life. I’m tired of caring and trying so hard to make something work, anything. Its really tiring when you are the only one putting in any effort and then you just are left with all this pain and madness because you are checking your phone every couple of minutes wondering if he texted you and since of course he didn’t should you text him? or wait it out? or is he mad at you cuz clearly you have nothing better to do than check your phone every couple of minutes… Pathetic I know but these are the thoughts that I’ve been having and you know what… FUCK IT!! I’m done. Its not worth putting in all the effort if I’m not getting anything out of it. I mean even as friends. If I’m not worth contacting now, do you think I’m going to be there when you finally need me… DON’T THINK SO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually I don’t know if that’s true. I’m too nice of a person to not answer my phone or text back. I wish that I could be meaner. Would have made my life way way easier if that was the case.

~So today at work, one of the guys and I were talking and we got on the conversation of me dating and since that’s never really happened, he asked me why. And all I could say is I don’t know ask all the dicks out there why I’m not good enough… And then that got me thinking about all the reason why I’m not good enough. Like I’m not pretty enough, I’m not thin enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not athletic enough… the list goes on and on… So this is what I spent the last two hours of work thinking about while being really pissed off at a plan -o- gram that wasn’t working out for me. And I even had to stay 30 minutes late to finish it! Good thing I have off tomorrow… 6 long long days in a row in this heat is enough.

~I know that I pretty much just unleashed a lot of pent up feelings but honestly this summer has been going really well. I’ve met so many new and wonderful people at my new job and I’ve been making more friends and I have been actually talking to guys which if you would have known me in the past, was something that I never did. I have actually went out on my first date even though that guy turned out to be a complete loser, regardless I’ve been out on a date which was something that I really wanted to experience. I’ve also have gotten to spend a ton of time with my best friend Alycia… She means the world to me and we are both dealing with completely different guy situations but its nice to know that someone will be there for me when I feel like no one else is.

~So much else has happened that has been good, but I almost don’t feel like that negates the bad things that have happened this summer… IDK maybe its just me being dumb, which it probably is, but I just feel that no matter how good my life seems to be getting something happens to tear it apart and down I crash and burn… I mean I haven’t really thought about killing myself this summer, well at least not a whole lot compared to how much I thought/think about it in the past. So that’s a step forward right? But then something else bad happens to negate all the progress that I’ve been making with that. I feel like just giving up, Just accepting that my life will always suck in some way or another, That I will never have any type of happy ending. Is that too much to ask? probably. which is why I should just suck it up and go about each day pretending that my life is ok… when in reality I just feel like breaking into a thousand tiny pieces that no one will ever be able to put together again…