Recent thoughts…

~So I’ve doing a lot of thinking recently… and that’s never a really good thing!! 

~But here are some of the things i’ve been thinking about…

~So my life is going to go through several changes soon! First off is my move to my brother’s house to live for the school year. He has one other roommate so far and my friend Rachel will also be living with us.  The only problem is that I kinda like this said roommate but of course he will never know anything!!!! I’m way way to chicken to even say anything and then I always think that he could do so much better than me! and the whole living together and dating thing, doesn’t really work for me! but i’m trying to not count my chickens before they hatch cuz hey this guys doesn’t even like me so really i have absolutely nothing to fear or even think about, but as we know i’m a planner and i always think about the what ifs and things that if they worked out would happen a certain way but of course they never even get that far so its just me with these crazy ideas…. Another thing is that i’m not sure how this living situation is even going to go. I mean i can live with my brother did that for 18 years, but these other two people i have no idea! I hung out with my friend rachel all the time at school but i could always go back to my room across campus if i needed to get away from her for a while, not that i ever needed that, but i didn’t see her all the time. but living with her will change all that and i just hope that it doesn’t change our friendship. cuz seriously that would suck, suck big time and idk if i could recover if i lost yet another friend, i’m fragile the way it is, and if something else goes terribly wrong in my life idk if i could not do it…

~I’ve also been thinking about wanting things too badly, actually i want everything too much! But i don’t have the energy to get the things i want. For example I want a boy friend so badly but its been almost 5 years since i’ve last had one, so that makes me kinda pathetic, actually very pathetic or something. i’m blanking on the appropriate word, but it sucks let me tell you. But still i want and want it till its almost everything i think about. I’ve tried to not think about it but then it just comes back that much stronger! and that is no good. I just want to give up and work on me for a while, but somehow that just isn’t happening. I’ve prayed and prayed to God to help me just let it go but i can’t i’m still trying but not succeeding yet!

~Also I want to do so much with my life and i just always get this doubt that i will never do anything that makes a difference to anyone ever. you know what i mean? I don’t want to do any that spectacular with my life, i just want it to mean something, I don’t have to find that cure to cancer, i just want to be important to someone and mean something to them! for example, i listen to a lot of music and i recently picked up 3 doors down new album and their lyrics just speak to me! so they mean something to me, and have accomplished something with their life, while I on the other hand have not…

~The last thing i’ve been really thinking about is the concept of being alone… I had a noter note on one of my past entries about knowing that i could make it alone and that’s really what scares me. and you know what, he was 100% right. I’ve obviously been alright on my own, have been for the past 5 years, i mean i still live at home with my parents and two younger siblings so i’m never really alone, but i feel alone all the time and yes i am surviving sometimes hardly surviving but nevertheless i am. And this scares the hell out of me, I don’t want to end up alone. I fear it. I have no intentions of spending all my time talking to myself and telling myself that some day everything will get better, when seriously i’m crazy cuz i talk to myself. I just pray that this doesn’t happen, but to be honest, i never see myself getting married or having even the slightest happily ever after that all the disney princess movies have encouraged me is out there. its just so unfair, but guess what life isn’t fair and i’ve always known this but now its really starting to settle in…

~Why do you ask? Well as we speak my sister is on her way to have a date with a guy. how many dates have i gone on? ZERO and you know how that makes me feel like a pathetic loser. yes it does, i tell myself i’m waiting for someone who is worth it but seriously i would really take anyone just to say i’ve been on a date. also my older brother is planning on proposing to his girlfriend i about a month and a half… OMG that’s all i’ve got to say about that. i like his girlfriend and everything, but that’s just gonna depress me cuz one, i don’t really want to lose my brother though i already kinda have, and two i most likely won’t even have a date to it so i don’t want to go/think about it!

~As you can see my mind and thought process is messed up, i think i might need professional help, or something…