Have You Ever Been Alone in a Crowded Room…

~Alone

According to dictionary.com alone is defined as separate, apart, or isolated from others.

We all have our own definition for the word. I think that Jack’s Mannequin has explained it in a way that means a lot to me. I feel sometimes that I can be completely surrounded by a ton of people. People that either haven’t outwardly told me that they don’t want me around or genuinely want me there. Either way, I still feel utterly alone most of the time. I know that they are including me in on some activities but I must of the time feel like I’m imposing on the event, or I just don’t belong. Should I feel that way? I have no idea! Sometimes I feel that its worse than when I am physically alone, where there is no one around. I don’t get it. I’ve been feeling this way for some time now. I don’t really know why either. Its not like I’m living the life of a recluse or anything and I hang out with my friends almost ever week and I we have a good time, but sometimes, most of the time, I feel that I just don’t belong. I guess its really bad when I’m out with my best friend and her boyfriend… yeah can you say total third wheel!! Also this happens when I’m at work and surrounded by my co workers and customers… there are a ton of people around all the time! Plus there are cameras watching so its kinda like the Big Brother feel that someone is always watching you are never alone… But I guess I just don’t feel it. It kinda makes me angry that I feel this way. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. I wish that I did, cuz I know that I’m NOT alone, not ever really, but I still feel like I am. Any suggestions please give them! For example right now I’m sitting in my friend’s room and we are talking and studying for our test later (well she’s studying anyways) and I feel so alone, like she really doesn’t even know what’s going on with me. But maybe that’s the way its supposed to be? I don’t know. I guess I’m just trying to come up with ways to rationalize my feelings. And guess what its apparently not working. I’m more that irritated right now to say the least. I just get so frustrated when I can’t figure things out, and this has been bothering me for a nice while now! I have considered the option that perhaps I’m not supposed to figure it out or even get the answers that I’m looking for. But that just upsets me so I tend to not dwell on that option very much! But I guess if I keep these feelings up, that things aren’t gonna look good for me so idk…