Update continued

A lot has happened in the past 5 years. My life completely changed. Before I moved to Vancouver WA I was unhappy, without a career, and feeling like I was just floating and going nowhere. Then I became a flight attendant and slowly I started to build a life I was proud of and content with. Again, I did not know anyone when Moving to the Portland area, accept for my roommates, but everyone was so welcoming!  A few of the Portland based flight attendants reached out to us to say hello and to offer guidance and lots of advice. A year later I had a whole new group of friends that I was close with! Friends I never knew I would make and I’m so happy that I did. I had never before worked a job where people treated each other like family. That’s what it’s like at SkyWest Airlines. We all look out for each other and are supportive of one another. It’s a very loving atmosphere.

I became quite close with my roommates Karolynn and Vanessa while we lived together, and when they moved away I then became closer with my other friends here. Wynn and Kristi are the two main besties. Both of them were the first to reach out to me in friendship and make me feel welcome.

Being on call for the first year and half was a whole new life experience for me. It was the first time not having a regular work schedule and not even knowing when I was going to be called in to work! I felt a little spoiled at one point because I went a whole month without working once and still got paid my 75 hours. It was pretty cushy like that at times and at other times it was craziness. I would be called in to work only to find out that crew support changed their minds and decided to take me off of the trip and put me back on reserve, or I’d be in the middle of a trip and they would take me off of it and put me on another. I was very grateful when I finally was able to become a line holder and create my own schedule where I could pick and choose the trips I wanted!

There is so much that goes on in the airline industry. It was fascinating to be on the inside and learn it all after being just a passenger for so long.

At three years into the company my parents helped me with a down payment to buy a truck for my 30th birthday. My current vehicle was falling apart and the cost to fix each thing alone would have been enough for a car payment, so it made sense to ditch it. I found my dream truck. A 2014 Toyota Tacoma TRD Sport with 4wd. Oh how I love it. I named her Beatrix after Beatrix kiddo from Kill Bill. She needed a strong name. I plan on keeping her until the end. Its so great being able to drive up those bumpy gravelly roads to lots of awesome hikes now!

Dating life is meh. Yeah I dated a pilot, it did not go well. I dated another dude who just seemed unsure of where he was in life. At first I was very open minded, but now I am a lot more picky. The men in the Portland area all seem to have a few things in common.

One: No car
Two: No idea what direction they want to take in life
Three: No goals or aspirations
Four: Live in a van or in a house with 8 people
Five: Have a mediocre job that does not count as a career
Six: work easy play hard attitude

So to sum it all up in one word? Lackadaisic, which according to the dictionary isn’t an actual word, but it should be since Lackadaisical is. ???

On the bright side I have been single for so long that I have finally FINALLY learned to find love and happiness within myself. It’s refreshing not to feel the need of acceptance or love from an outward source and it feels good to not feel scornful when a romantic interest doesn’t lead to anything. I no longer have any expectations. I let what comes come and what goes go. It used to be that I’d feel like I wasn’t good enough if someone wasn’t interested in me the way I was in them, but now I like myself enough to not be phased by it, and understand that not everyone vibes the same way. I can hold my head up high knowing that I am awesome and that the right person will appreciate me for exactly who I am.

I honestly have no complaints. Life is good. I have my dream job that pays all my bills, an amazing family and friends, a roof over my head, and pretty much complete flexibility and freedom. Every day I wake up filled with so much gratitude. A part of me wonders if life is preparing me for something tragic, something big that is going to blindside me, because ive always had it too good. I’ve literally never had to struggle in life. My parents struggled so that I could follow my dreams and never have to worry about finances. Even when I was working and paying my own bills, I knew that I always had them to fall back on if I absolutely needed to. Even today I know that if it was an emergency, they would have my back, and I am grateful for it. I used to feel guilty about it, but I kept reminding myself that if life gives you a shack, be grateful, and if life gives you a mansion, be grateful.

Actually, growing up, a lot of people resented me because of how well off my family was and how easy I had it. I understood why, but I didn’t deserve it. Yes my parents took good care of us, and even spoiled us at times, but when I wanted to go on that trip to Disneyland, I had to work for it, and do chores. Then once I saved the money my parents surprised me by paying for the air fare. They were always teaching me to have a hard work ethic. My parents were also constantly taking people in to live with us, loaning people in need money, and helping others. They taught me to live selflessly, to have a big heart and to always be humble. I am very lucky to have had such great role models in my life and hope to be half as good a parent as they are to me someday.

As for the future, it’s funny how we tend to think we will be married with kids by 30, almost like it’s a given fact, but life wouldn’t make sense if that was the case. Every person finds love and gets married by 30? No way. I wonder what the actual percentage of that is. How many people actually do tend to do that. Hm. Anyway, now I hope to be married with possible children by 40, but I accept whatever life gives me. Even if I don’t have children. I used to think I absolutely had to have kids. I mean right now I know that I definitely want to be a mom. I was made to be a mom. I’d be a GREAT mom. Worlds greatest. 🙂 And I can even imagine having a little girl and seeing myself in her and helping her get ready for prom and talk about boys. That would be the best, however, I refuse to force anything into being. I refuse to panic like a lot of these women do these days, and find some way to settle for a man just so that I can beat the clock. Fuck that. That’s how divorces happen. You can’t ever force things into being. You can’t know when you’re going to meet your soul mate. And there’s another question. What if I feel like I’ve met my soul mate and they don’t want children? Would I be willing to give that up? I have no clue. A part of me things that I would since It’s so hard to find that one person I know I could be happy with for the rest of my life, but I think I’d actually have to be in that situation in order to find out how I’d really feel. I’m not sure. I will know if I ever reach a crossroads like that. For now, I will be happy, work on being my best self, and see where this road leads me.

Ah man I forget how I tend to ramble once I start writing. The thoughts just keep swirling. 
It feels so good to have this back as my nightly ritual. A good way to collect my thoughts at the end of the day. Goodnight.