WTF even dreams

I do not get it, I will never get it, it makes zero sense, but for the second time I had a using dream about heroin.  Unfortunately, using dreams are common, and mine tend to be lucid, so it really feels as if I’m drunk because I’m trying to move around and speak with my body, but being asleep doesn’t allow that easily – so it really feels as if I’m stumbling around and slurring.

What’s fucked up is, I have not once, not ever, used heroin. I’ve never even seen it in real life. So for me to dream about relapsing on it – how can you dream you’re using something that you have no clue what it feels like?  And twice??  I’m sure it happens to other people, but I have yet to run into one. And I don’t normally talk about my dreams to strangers lol.

Anyway, in this dream I’m in the back of Janie’s car with some kid who is only 15 (guilt much?) and we are going to his place in UTAH (another place I’ve never been) and during part of it I’m skakeboarding (nope, never done that either) and actually snorting it off the hood of Janie’s car. 😳 I don’t EVEN fucking know what all that was about. But as always, I still woke up in a panic feeling guilty for using. 🙄. I don’t understand my mind. At least I wasn’t shooting up?

Still nothing from eric. This is definitely not typical behavior from him, at all. It might take him even a few hours to respond to a text, but he’s never completely blown me off or disappeared. It makes me think he trashed his phone and in the process lost my number (because no one remembers numbers these days) so as stalkerish as it sounds and makes me feel, I’m thinking about going by his work when nat gets here and either see if he’s working, or leaving him a short note. Is that stalkerish?  It would be horribly embarrassing if he’s just ghosting me, but I really don’t think that’s it. Maybe I’m naive and he is, but if that’s the case then he’s being an asshole and should be called on it. But I really do think it’s a phone issue and the other alternative is to wait til he shows up on my doorstep. Considering neither of us drive and he lives in the next town over, I could be waiting a long time for that to happen. I’m still hesitant tho, I don’t want to do something people (especially he) would think is psycho. What do you think?

Set a date for for my graduation from outpatient. Lol you know you’ve been there a long time when they ask you when YOU want to do it. Anyway, it’s the 26th, before I take off for almost a week to see the kids.  Of course I will still go but it gets me off the hook for attendance while I’m gone.   Eventually I have to cut the apron strings, and I’m grateful I’ll be able to do that at my own pace

Went to get labs run this morning and stl nephrology hasn’t sent the orders, so I did the other 2 and called stl when I got home  It means another early morning tomorrow now that they’re sent  I see dr Chang on Thursday for my 9 mo follow-up.

Natalie ought to be here before long, so I’m going to toss in a hot pocket for dinner. I was excited, I fed Janie last night so I actually cooked. I thought it turned out meh and the chicken to me tasted like the smell when grandma Dodo opens a closet – not mothballs but a stale distinct taste/odor. But she liked it.

*does the laurie*

laterz.