ignite the future, erase the past

 Lately I’ve been forcing myself to be positive.

And it’s been surprisingly easy… The people that surround me these days talk of the present, with petty problems to resolve.

There is no discussion of true pain…. longing…. aching….

My heart no longer throbs and my lungs expand and contract freely, feeling less and less hindered with each breath.
 

With him, it’s effortless.

We talk of the future and the plans we’ve made, of dreams and of lost ambitions replaced with newfound desire.

I laugh and I’m at liberty to say what I want without any fear of consequence.

Consummate and gratified…. life reaches toward the way it’s supposed to be.

But my body rebels.

I focus so hard on the present and the future… planning out every thought, action, word….

To avoid the hollow mindlessness of mulling over past memories

Because finally, the light of tomorrow burns bright enough to melt away weeks upon weeks of  never ending darkness.

But by five every night my head throbs as if my heart beats within it,

When I slumber each night bizarre dreams bring all I suppress to the surface.

Each morning I sit on the edge of my bed

Determining authentic from fabricated…. 

Emotion from perception.

Pain from pleasure.

Someday, years from now I’ll look back at days like today

Days when I fought so hard to control my wild emotions.

Knowing that I was young… with a heart stronger than my mind.

Sentiments ruled over calculated decisions.

Pain runs deep and passionate love burns bottomless.

Not forever. 

Ultimately, feelings diverge from instinct.

Verdicts made without thoughts of affection.

Soul set aside for sound judgement.