In Other Words… lots of other words

I saw The Last Kiss over a year ago. Or, well, all of spring and the early part of summer of last year aren’t always easily delineated in a timeline fashion. But I’m pretty sure it would’ve been in March. Maybe, maybe, early April.

Okay, so… I saw The Last Kiss a year ago. My loathing of this film is so fierce and so deep that, while there may be words to describe it, it would take a whole lot of them. And, really, it would be easier to tell you that I think "wretched" doesn’t even begin to describe it and don’t waste your time. Except for, well, a couple of things.

One, from what I gather, I’m in the "touched a nerve" camp in my dislike. But not from the typical "it made me face some stuff/brought up bad memories and experiences" perspective. My "experiences" were largely vicarious (and simultaneously visceral, from that perspective) at that time. Which, I’ll admit, factored in to my reaction, but not in the typical fashion. I wasn’t all "Ow. Way to open an old wound." It was just easy (even beyond formula and plotline) to see what was going to happen.

My point is, while the film may be (and is) flawed in more artistic ways, that isn’t what ruined the movie for me. What ruined the movie for me is continually wanting to beat Zach Braff’s character with a closet full of tremendously painful footwear while yelling, "You bastard! If you’d stop being so self-centered and idiotic for, like, two minutes, and actually stopped to, you know, THINK, you just might realize what you’re doing and knock it off before you wreak tremendous havoc on more lives than you ever thought you could! Or maybe at least freaking man up and do it in a significantly LESS destructive manner, YOU PATHETIC WRETCH OF A MAN!" for nearly the entire film. (Yeah, definitely the "touched a nerve" camp. Also, while I’m not entirely, what you would call, "sympathetic" to people in that character’s position, I’m also not filled with hate for them. And while I’d like to think I wouldn’t be that harsh with someone in a similar position, I think I would be, actually [okay, it’d probably take on different phrasing, at least]. But not out of some sense of rage or anger with/at them. It’s because once someone even remotely ventures into that territory, it takes them getting hit hard and fast to knock them out of that spiral. And even that doesn’t always work. [I, sadly, am pretty well-versed in the ins and outs of such things. Though, thankfully, not entirely from personal experience.] Oh, and it might help to state here, in the event that you’re not familiar with the movie/storyline, that Zach Braff’s character cheats on his long-term, pregnant girlfriend. I know I’m simplifying, but that’s all the gist that’s vitally necessary to follow along.)

Two, for as much as I loathe it, and, oh, do I loathe it, it contains, thus far, my most favorite scene ever in a film. (Which, guess what’s coming, right?) That said, gratuitous sex scenes aside, I’ll admit, the movie is actually an excellent primer in how one goes from point A to point Z in the affair department. Which should, ideally, be less a how-to sort of thing and more a why-you-don’t-do-these-things-no-matter-how-"innocent" illustration. But you know what condenses it even further? The best scene ever.

And now that the producers are glad they didn’t tap me for their marketing campaign…

I actually wish someone had had this conversation with me before I started dating. I’d like to think it doesn’t take this kind of world-shattering experience (for yourself or someone close to you) to get a full understanding of it. Which I suppose is what this entry is about. So, before I get much further, who’s up for watching a clip? (It clocks in at just a little over four minutes.)

And, for those of you unable to view it, or for those of you who want to read along, here’s the transcript:

Stephen: What the fuck were you thinking? Did you just get bored?

Michael: No, I’m just an idiot.

Stephen: Oh, on that much we’re agreed.

Michael: I love her, Stephen. I realize now I love her more than I will ever love anybody else.

Stephen: Stop talking about love. Evey asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing.

Michael: It’s true.

Stephen: It still doesn’t mean anything. What you feel only matters to you, it’s what you do to the people you say you love, that’s what matters. It’s the only thing that counts. And… you did do this thing, right?

Michael: [nods in affirmation] I just saw the rest of my life and there were no more surprises. This was it. I mean, it was great, but it was it.

Stephen: What makes you think this isn’t going to happen again?

Michael: I know it won’t.

Stephen: Oh, right.

Michael: C’mon! I mean, aren’t we supposed to be able to learn from our mistakes? I did something horrible, but I learned from it. I met this little brunette and I faltered. Are you telling me that throughout your entire marriage you never… faltered?

Stephen: [steady gaze]

Michael: You haven’t? Never?

Stephen: Never.

Michael: Ah. That makes me feel great.

Stephen: Oh, you think it’s because I wasn’t tempted? You think that this woman is the last brunette that is going to let you know that she wants you? Look at me. I haven’t met my last brunette.

Michael: She’s the last one I’m gonna kiss. I’m in love with your daughter, Stephen. Maybe that doesn’t mean anything to you, but I’m standing here. You’re her father. I’m looking you in the eyes and I’m telling you, I will do anything in the world to get your daughter back.

Stephen: Really? Anything?

Michael: I’ll do anything.

Stephen: People say that, they don’t mean it.

Michael: But I mean it.

Stephen: Well, it’s very simple… just do whatever it takes.

Michael: It’s that simple?

Stephen: Yes. You can’t fail if you don’t give up.

* * * * * *

Stephen: People know the truth. They may not like it or want to know it, but they always know. Lie and you’ll lose her.

Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody…. What you feel only matters to you. It’s what you do to the people you say you love, that’s what matters. It’s the <span style=”font-weight: bold;”>only thing that counts.

Honestly, words, in so many ways, are cheap. We are capable of literally saying anything. Some of us willingly employ this ability more than others. But, the point is, your words, unless backed by actions, don’t mean much. They mean even less when your actions contradict them entirely.

Maintaining your fidelity, and that’s not just not having sex with someone outside of your relationship, that’s making sure your actions coincide with any promise or guarantee that comes out of your mouth, is essential across the board. If you put your word on the line, follow through. When you start letting it slip, even in small measures, it doesn’t take much and it doesn’t take long, for it to begin affecting your life on a scale much larger than you ever thought possible. And, what’s worse, it may take a long time to make that connection.

The thing is, your words only carry as much weight as your actions give them. And while someone may allow their definition of love to fill in the blanks for you until your prove yourself, you’re going to have to prove yourself. One way or another. And what you feel, all fuzzy and wonderful on the inside (ideally, in this situation), only carries you through. It’s that feeling expressed outwardly in actions that carries another. And your actions, they’ll always speak louder than your words.

Oh, you think it’s because I wasn’t tempted? You think that this woman is the last brunette that is going to let you know that she wants you? Look at me. I haven’t met my last brunette.

I despise this continually perpetuated fallacy that what makes someone "The One" or the perfect person for you is that you never again notice anyone else. Ever. And, if you do, there must be something wrong with your relationship.

Maybe you are in a relationship with someone who is not an ideal match. It’s altogether possible. But wandering (in eye, emotion or body) stems from a decision (or lack of one), not from the presence, or lack, of compatibility.

We are all, each and every one of us, imperfect. Which means it is impossible for us to be literally perfect for someone else. We can be highly compatible. We can be a good match. We can be well-suited. But there will be flaws and discrepancies and mistakes, small and large. We will give each other plenty of reason to look elsewhere if perfection is our guideline. Not to mention the people who will, indeed, let you know that they want you. None of us, regardless of age, body type or perceived level of attractiveness, have met our last brunette.

I admit, as stated in the Living Out Loud/"authentic" entry, intentionality was the cornerstone of my development/coming of age. In much the same way, that revelation is bound to be a cornerstone of these entries.

You can totally live without it. But that means that, to a very large degree, you live with anything and everything that comes your way. And it doesn’t take long, when you’re living your life that way, to get jacked up real fast.

The truth is, you are constantly making choices and decisions. All the time. You choose if/when to get up (or to let responsibilities dictate if/when you get up – still a choice). You choose to brush your teeth (or not, but please do). To bathe, to eat, to put on clothes and what clothes to put on. You choose to remain quiet or converse. You choose to respond chipper or terse. You choose to say what you mean and mean what you say or you choose not to. You decide which route to take to your intended destination. You decide which house to buy/rent. You decide which car to own. You choose to obey the speed limit or not. So on and so forth.

Living intentionally means you take the time to make some decisions, that dictate your choices thereafter, about things that, quite possibly, you haven’t really thought about in this way before.

Whether or not to lie is a choice. Whether or not to live in a manner where your word is your bond is a choice. Being faithful to someone is a choice. And you have an option in life here. You can either make this choice every time you are presented with the opportunity, or you can make a decision, right here, right now, to personify fidelity in every area. That can be a very weighty thing, given it carries a multitude of implications.

It means, even when someone puts you in a position where lying would help you save face, avoid consequence (at least in that precise moment), or, with very little effort, spare someone’s feelings, you’ve made the decision to be honest (or silent), but never lie. Which can be a little difficult to swallow initially. At least until you realize there is never a moment when lying isn’t destructive, there is no such thing as a "little white lie" and a steady compromise of your integrity in this area will lead to a compromise in many more, on top of which anything you compromise to keep, you will lose. Every time. And even if you do stand a chance of losing it, if you don’t compromise, you’ve at least got a shot at keeping it, too.

(as an aside: People know the truth. They may not like it or want to know it, but they always know. Lie and you’ll lose her. | Well, actually, I suppose this pretty much sums up the above paragraph. So, consider it the short version of the above.)

Faithfulness in a relationship is a choice you are continually faced with. If you haven’t determined to live intentionally, you are going to find there are days where that choice is easier to make than others. Because there are days coming where the monotony of day-to-day life has set in. They don’t do laundry the way you like, or they keep forgetting to empty the sinktrap, or you don’t agree on how to load the dishwasher, or they left a towel in the floor, or they left hair in the shower drain, or they don’t put the cap on the toothpaste AND they squeeze from the middle. And you get so lost in the minutia, maybe you’ve, at least momentarily, forgotten why you even liked them to start with. Or maybe you have a fight, whether over something petty or something large and you walk out of the house mad. It’s almost always those days where you will, in some form, encounter a brunette.

And it starts out a lot like it did in the movie. Maybe you catch each other’s eye across the produce, on the sidewalk, in line at the coffee house, at a stop light. And, honestly, sometimes it may just stay as "innocent" as that. But, the thing is, unless you’ve made a decision that a deal is a deal and you are in your relationship, highs and lows, warts and all, even that "innocent" moment can spark something.

As overblown and potentially lost on some of you as this reference may be, it’s like that episode of Seinfeld where George says, "God bless you," to someone else’s wife while her husband is sitting at the table, and then makes a comment to the effect of wondering why the guy didn’t say it to his own wife. (Me, butcher a reference? Nooo.) As the episode progresses, she starts contemplating it until it works on her to the degree that she has an affair with George.

I know it’s exaggerated for comedic effect, but it really isn’t that far off the mark.

This isn’t to discount the numerous benefits and wonderful aspects of relationships – all those things that comprise the reasons why we’re driven to them in the first place. I’m not trying to paint this abysmal picture or something that is lopsided and imbalanced. It’s just that we seem to continually fail to take into account the fact that our relationships (and lives, if you want to get down to it) are under a pretty constant attack. This doesn’t mean we should constantly go around living in combat/survival mode. It means we need to think ahead and live smart.

Not talking about the brunettes doesn’t mean they won’t come. They will. Often. And the brunettes may not even always be someone putting the moves on you, or even an actual person. It’s all preceded by opening a door to a thought (or thoughts). You, right now, have the option of living your life, however it comes, without making allowances for such eventualities. This means you’ll be making the choice every time it is presented to you. And, quite honestly, if that’s the path you choose, you’ll likely wind up, at some point, making the wrong one, the one, right now, you never think you’ll make.

And while we’re at it, even making the decision that dictates all future choices right now isn’t a guarantee. Because you, agent of free will that you are, still have the choice down the road to change that decision. It’s just a whole lot harder and a much bigger line to cross this way. And you spare yourself a lot of grief if you not only make it, but maintain it when you even remotely find yourself contemplating change.

And I think I’ve gone on about this at enough length for now. That said, while I know this is long, just hang on with me for a little while longer. I’m almost done, I swear.

You can’t fail if you don’t give up.

It is completely and utterly true. While it applies in the context in which it was related, it also applies to life as a whole. Wherever you are, if it’s not where you want to be, don’t give up. If you don’t give up, you can’t fail.

And with that, I’m posting this. 🙂