Just a Nibble of An Entry

Nothing much, really, so I’ll try to keep this brief.

The past week was mostly uneventful. IOP class on Tuesday, and it was field trip day. It’s nice at the community garden center (our now-regular Tuesday outing), but I wasn’t really in the mood to do manual labor. Thankfully it was easy, non-strenuous and over in twenty minutes or so. The group size has been really small, just one or two other guys besides myself and the facilitator. I like it that way, and feel that the smaller groups are better managed. I know I myself get much more out of it when it’s just a few of us.

When I got home from class on Tuesday, I went to sleep. And I slept basically twenty-four out of the next thirty-six hours. I guess I finally got to the point (with my erratic sleep) that my body took over and made me rest. Luckily I awoke pretty close to the times when I needed to take my medication, so I didn’t miss any doses of anything and, most importantly, did not go into severe withdrawals again. I missed the IOP class on Wednesday due to sleeping, but I’m not bugged by that. It was apparent that my brain and body needed rest more than anything else.

Thursday morning found me at my counselor’s office for our weekly session. We did some EMDR therapy on a subject I’m having, still, a horribly difficult time with: the loss of my sweet, little Mickey. I still miss my dog so, so much… still cry a few times per week; still haven’t cleaned her nose prints off the sliding glass door; still sometimes wake up and think she’s lying right next to me. I’ve been avoiding the Mickey topic for quite a while now, in therapy. It’s just that, since the second anniversary of her departure is coming on (July 1st), it’s bringing all of the final things back. And the pain of her being gone is still so strong that I often feel I want to join her. I’m not suicidal by any means; I just miss her that much. We’re going to continue to work on the Mickey subject, which I know I need to do but which is daunting, knowing the pain I’m going to have to acknowledge and keep trying to work through. Thankfully I trust my counselor enough to show what I very rarely show to anyone: my tears.

Yesterday (Friday) morning… yet another IOP class. I’ve said before that I’m getting really tired of them. I’ve got just a couple of weeks left. I would be done if I hadn’t taken the entire week off when Patty died, and if I hadn’t been really sick for another week in there that caused me to miss it, too. I’ll be so, so glad when I’m done. My counselor has not-so-subtly hinted that I should join the PTSD group, the “mindfulness” group, and start with N/A and AA. I’m, like, “Get off my back! I’m not going to be trapped into this kum bah yah shit for the rest of my life.” She laughed, although she knows I’m serious when I say that. But as it proverbial goes: I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. There’s no sense in my getting agitated over it, at least not now. Right?

No plans for the weekend. I would like to get a few things done, at least, so I can feel like I’ve not wasted another couple of days. But, if I do ’em, I do ’em. If not, I’m going to try to be easy on myself about it all.

So, well… that’s it, I guess. A real snooze-fest, I know. But I wanted to update for some reason, so there you go. I’m off to the convenience store for my tankard refill of Diet Pepsi, then coming back and waiting until just before 7 a.m. to get my laundry going. The rest of the day: tentative plans to do stuff around the apartment unless I decide to go ahead and get my eye exam and glasses chosen taken care of. I may have to get a letter from the clinic first because they are at least helping me with the glasses (which I appreciate so much after they kind of screwed me over over the past several months). As long as it’s not unreasonable, they are going to cover what is left after my vision insurance. I’m grateful, because I desperately need new glasses. I’m having a hard time seeing even to read now and having low-grade headaches all the time. Plus, I’ve not liked my current glasses since I got them a couple of years ago. I may not be a fashion plate; but I know these current glasses are not (and may never have been) in style!

Have a great weekend, OD peeps!