“Ocelot” of Nothing!

Not a lot has been going on for me of late. I mean, really… almost nothing. I’ve been as lazy as usual, although I’m trying to be more forgiving of myself because of my health concerns and physical limitations. I’ve tried, sometimes with success (but other times, well… not so much) to not use my various ailments and situations as excuses to not get things taken care of that in reality wouldn’t take me much time or effort to do. I seem to have developed some sort of block over the getting started, you know? And so nothing goes on, nothing gets done, except for me holding down the couch to make sure it doesn’t float away or something.

I have been tired pretty much my entire life. I had valley fever supposedly at some point when I was very young which causes extreme fatigue. It was only recently that I was told that that fatigue can continue throughout a person’s remaining life. It doesn’t happen in some cases. But as we have learned over the years, I’m not the average case (unless we’re talking nut case). Also, not known at the time, I developed a chronic lung infection from a couple of differing sources: silica that is found in the ground particularly in the areas in which I grew up; and an equine virus that somehow was contracted by me, causing a horse virus in my lungs. I was around horses for years, so that really doesn’t surprise me too much. But from what I have been told, those two, combined, are the chief causes of the pulmonary fibrosis with which I am now dealing. (The COPD – emphysema type – is my own damned fault for smoking for all of these years… something which I’ve again addressed with my doctor and am in the process of phasing it out of my life once and for all… again.)

On another note, I have been doing a good deal better about making my IOP classes, although I won’t be going in today for a very valid reason. But what I’m running into is extreme anxiety again in trying to leave the apartment to get to the classes. And if we go anywhere else other than the building in which our class is normally held I have terrible panic symptoms. An example or two: last Friday we were going to spend the last two parts of the morning at “the clubhouse,” an offshoot of the main building, and just a block, block and a half away. When the facilitator told us we were going there I started to panic. But I’m getting a lot better about stating my needs or things I have going on. So I told him I didn’t think I could go over there. It’s not one of the, basically, four places I feel comfortable going. He understood and told me he’d check in with me now and then, and if it was getting to be too much I could leave. That happened, and he honored his word and allowed me to leave about an hour and a half early.

The same thing happened yesterday, because I didn’t know that our Tuesday classes are going to be held at a sort of community garden center for the next several Tuesdays. When I heard I was going to have to go somewhere I’d never been, somewhere not on my “approved get out of the house” list, the panic immediately set in. The symptoms were apparent so I told the facilitator for Tuesdays, who is the head of the IOP program, that I thought I had better just go home. I most definitely was not looking forward to being somewhere away from home or one of my safe places and without my own transportation so I could get my butt to safety if/when the panic got to be too much. NB (facilitator/boss) asked me if I thought I could at least try if he promised that, if it got to be too much, he would drive me back to my car so I could go home. That helped some. He also told me that if it was a bit too much to do some of the activities (some I can’t do yet because of the shoulders), I could spend time instead just walking by myself around the grounds, out in nature, etc. Okay, he almost got me. Then he told me I didn’t even have to participate at all, that I could go and just be outside, something he knows that is very scary for me. Finally I agreed, and it was so fucking hard I can’t even tell you. But during our “check-in” part, where we each say how we’re doing, any problems we had, etc., I, which while listening was also able to play and pet one of the places beautiful cats and to watch birds working on their nests in the eaves of a covered patio. The animals helped to keep me calmer than I would have been otherwise. Even the lizards I talked with and followed around for a bit had a calming effect on me. I can always count on animals to ground me, to center me, to do all of those “woo-woo” words one hears ad nauseum in situations like what I’m dealing with with these classes and sometimes in my private counseling.

The last part of the morning’s class was, again, art therapy. I have to tell you, I absolutely love playing with clay. I’m not good at it but whatever I create is pretty much able to be deciphered. We’d done the clay stuff before in the classroom setting. But there was something about being outside, soaking up the vitamin D (of which I’m horribly deficient) and listening to the birds while the kitties constantly rub up against my legs under the table… well, it was just so calming. Manipulating the clay, playing with it, while really tuning in to the natural sounds of the birds and the breeze in the treetops, feeling the affection from the cats… all of it together had me in what I can only say was a total zen place, although I’m not quite sure what exactly “zen” means. The last hour of the morning was gravy, easy and something I actually could be looking forward to again next week.

When we were driving back to the place where we usually have our classes, the facilitator was talking with me, asking about my various feelings I had had to deal with, what made it harder, what made it easier, etc. They had all seen the calming effect of the animals on me and commented on it. I then explained how that last part was for me, with the natural sounds and the animals and the clay, and how I was so able to lose myself in it enough to where I no longer felt any twangs of anxiety and was able to just be in the moment, to actually enjoy myself. He (facilitator) asked me if I was in a financial position to purchase some [brand name I can’t remember] clay that is a lot better and easier to manipulate than the donated stuff we use. I told him I wasn’t, not for a few weeks still, so he said he would try to pick up some for me so that I can use it as a tool not just for the art therapy section of the morning, but throughout the first two sections, too. His theory is that it may help me a lot when having to be out of the apartment. I’ll give it a try if he remembers to pick some up for me.

So it looks like maybe these field trips, which are going to be more frequent now that the weather has turned nicer, may not be as anxiety-producing for me as they normally would be. Just knowing that the facilitator is trying so hard to help me, helps me, you know?

All in all, not a bad few days, really. I’ve got a lot to do this morning around here, one of

the reasons I won’t be attending today’s class. I have to be here to deal with the company that provides my oxygen therapy. And I’ve listed some stuff for sale on a local classifieds bulletin board that people have asked for pictures of, but I had to charge the battery overnight. Those pics will be taken this morning. And who knows? Maybe I’ll actually accomplish something else, too! Gravy. Anything I do beyond dealing with the oxygen company, is plain ol’ gravy.