Bright, Bright Sunshiny Day

It’s been several days since I’ve been here to OD. There’s no real reason beyond just having other things going on, other things on my mind, and not wanting to put them “on paper.” Nothing is wrong, really; nothing too bad is going on. I just sort of took some time for myself that I needed to take, sort of like having a “mental health day” now and then. It seemed to be the correct thing for me to do this past week because I was once again feeling so, so overwhelmed with being Me, you know?

So now I come crawling back to OD with nary a thought in mind as to what to write. When I saw my counselor on Thursday and discussed with her the mental difficulties I’ve been having (night terrors; day-mares; flashbacks; etc.), she told me how a lot of what I’m feeling, such as the manic side of bipolar, is normal for someone coming off of opiates. The lack of sleep and racing thoughts, coupled with a feeling of some impending major event in my life… all of this stuff is supposedly status quo for the combination of lowered morphine intake and the resultant morphine withdrawal. I don’t know that I’ve ever really gone through the full-on mental part of withdrawal, having seemingly only experienced the severe physical effects of it. Now it appears I’ll get to do with both.

But I’m in such a better place with my morphine intake being as low as it is now. Technically I should be dropping it again today; but I’m going to wait until Tuesday when I see my doctor before I make another move with it. As I get lower and lower (down, now, from 280mg/day to 105mg/day!) the originally short period of withdrawal/adjustment is becoming longer and longer, lasting several days instead of just one or two. She (doctor) has give me 15mg instant release tablets to help curb the most severe of the withdrawal symptoms: sweating; rapid changing from hot to cold, then back again; running nose; loosening bowels; tremors; tachycardia; and so on. It can be hell, even at the low-grade severity I experience off and on right now. I know my doc will have a good idea or three to help as much as possible with all of this.

A bit of (or, rather, more) financial drama, thanks to the clinic. I received a statement listing charges for all of my psych appointments (for both counselor and psychiatrist), and was really confused by it. I mean, I had never, ever received a bill like this from the clinic before in the almost-five years I’ve been going there. There were a lot of “insurance pending” charges on it so I didn’t really pay too much attention to it. Maybe I should have; but I didn’t. Maybe when I received a statement I’m not used to receiving I could have put a bit more effort into getting things straightened out, I guess, but I really didn’t know there WAS anything to fix. I thought that maybe since the bank had dropped my insurance yet again at the beginning of the year, there were pending charges that didn’t get paid because it looked like I didn’t have coverage. So I mailed a copy of the front and back of my insurance card along with a letter to the billing office of the clinic, asking that any 2013 charges be re-billed to my Medicare supplement to take care of the outstanding balance. Simple, right?

Well, not so fast. A couple of weeks later I got another statement in the mail, this time with the same balance due as before along with a handwritten note to call the clinic’s billing office to set up a payment plan if I was unable to pay the balance all at once. Huh? (he said, jaw dropping to the floor). I talked with my counselor about it and she asked me to bring the bill in at our next session (the one this past Thursday), which I did. She is also a case manager so to have her looking at paperwork would not be considered out of line. She noticed the same things I did about the bill: It is for the entire 2012 year!!! There is a charge for each and every appointment I had with my counselor or my psychiatrist, some of longer or shorter duration than others, and an inconsistency in the amounts charged. But more importantly, WHY am I now getting charged back to the beginning of last year? My counselor didn’t know so called the poor financial lady who has had my name on her desk so much lately, with trying to get the insurance stuff straightened out and other money matters taken care of. I felt badly, having to see NE again. But, well… at least my oh-so-attractive former case manager shares the office with her so I could see him again when I met with NE. He’s adorable, and I wish he was my case manager, still, instead of piece-of-shit Todd, whom I’ve still not been able to get away from.

So, well… I met with NE, and didn’t like what I found out. Apparently the clinic is utilizing a new billing company, which has been given the instruction to audit all charts/files to “find uncollected monies.” What? I mean, really? So, not only was I never charged for these appointments in the first place because that was the way it had always been… well, let me clarify: I was charged, my Medicare and it’s supplement covered all of the costs, etc. That’s the way it had been since day one. In fact, the psych appointments were coded as “medical” instead of “psychiatric” in order for insurance to go ahead and pay instead of limiting me to just once per month if they had been coded “psych.” At some point the coding was changed for good, but my supplement should still have covered everything. But apparently, for some odd reason, it was decided, NOW, in 2013, that all of 2012’s charges would be “corrected,” and that I would be responsible for the difference, “if any.” Well, of course there would be a difference. That happens when one practices what I call creative accounting! And there is apparently nothing I can do about it because I was, in fact, seen for those appointments. I just think it’s pretty shitty to stick me with a bill for almost $300.00, with another $100 or more waiting to be added to it, when one had to go back to the beginning of the PAST year to do so.

Still, no one at the clinic is allowed to admit that all of these changes and money stuff is due to them opening up another clinic and also to merging with the women’s health services. It’s so obvious! Oh well… I can do only what I can do. When I paid bills out of the small check I get around the 25th, I made a payment of $30. I really can’t afford that much, but what my plan is is to show that $30 “in good faith, and from now on make smaller payment, no more than I can afford without cutting myself short for the month. As it is, with all of these changes, I have lost about $300 of budget amount per month to not being part of programs that were helping me out, programs dropped by the clinic. And now I’ve got a surprise bill that will end up being over $400… PLUS: each and every time I see my counselor or psych from now on will add to that bill, and I will never get it paid in full.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, how I’m going to afford to live and still have food and gas for the car. I know there is now no chance in hell that I can live at least breaking even each month. I fear I’m going to fall farthe

r and farther behind or will have to maybe not eat every now and then. That wouldn’t exactly be bad for me… I could stand to lose a few pounds. I’d much rather do it by trying, by working with proper nutrition and more healthy food. But I can’t afford that stuff, that healthy food. I can’t even afford to have a museum day or anything like that now because it’s so hard for me to justify anything enjoyable. I’m a slave to just trying to live, now, something I’m used to but I was hoping would get better. That’s not going to happen, that getting better, anytime soon, if ever.