The Inhuman Stain *** (short)

I’m finding myself really disappointed… with myself. I have so, so much good going on in my life right now: getting onto lower and lower morphine doses; learning so much from the IOP classes I take three mornings per week; great friendships even if they are long distance. There are a couple of negatives, both a big, big deal, which I’ll need to get either figured out or straightened up. I have yet to sit down and figure out how to alter my budget since I’m now having to take back paying the electric bill as well as the new requirement of paying a water bill for my apartment. And I’ve still not been able to get the insurance situation with BofA straightened out. I swear, it’s like they were so non-helpful the couple of times I actually spoke to a live body. Now I’m finding that I just cannot make the phone call due to the anxiety problem. I simply must get this taken care of. I’ve gotten several hundreds of dollars in bills that I would normally never see, all because when things are attempted to be billed to my insurance they come back that I’m not covered. You know all that shit, so I’ll stop going into it more here.

Even with the good stuff going on and the couple of big annoyances, I’d think I would be feeling much better about life in general, you know? But I’m not. For the past several days I’ve been in the dumps, big-time. I am becoming more and more depressed again and I’m not sure if it’s do to a shifting chemical balance or if… well, I don’t really know what is going on, as I said. I mean, why do I have to be bi-polar on top of everything else, in addition to all of my other mental and physical diagnoses. Was I a total ass in a previous life so that Karma is kicking me hard in this one? Am I still paying for mistakes I made as I was growing up or that I’ve made in my adult life? Why is God so mad at me? What did I do to be constantly kicked in the teeth whenever things begin to look at least a little bit “up” for me. I don’t think I’m a bad person… but maybe I am and just don’t realize it. The big questions, I guess, are: will things ever get better and stay better? and how can I continue to improve and make myself a better person without getting myself into some kind of mental and physical distress again? Ideas?