Meh. *Edit

So I’ve been cooking Greg dinner on a relatively regular basis this month since he’s been working day shift. This usually results in me driving over to his place, sticking something in the oven, and him basically falling asleep on me until the food is ready. After which he thanks me profusely and we watch tv for a bit and then I leave so he can go to bed and we can start all over again the next day. Well, last night was pretty much the same except after we ate, we went into his room because he was complaining about his back hurting really badly, so I gave him a back rub and we cuddled for a little while. He was bitching about his job and how much he hates it, how much he hates it here, etc — of course there’s no interjection of ‘but you make me happy’ or anything else, made me feel great. So I asked him if I should be worried about him and, after some evasion of the question, he said no. Then I asked, half jokingly, if he was going to leave me in the south all by myself after he quit his job later this year. He answered ‘I don’t know.’ I was upset, but held it in until I got home because I didn’t want to cry right before driving home.

So now what? Do I wait? Do I break up with him because his leaving would probably spell the end of our relationship and therefore this has been and will be a waste of my time? Or do I try to be optimistic and believe that he loves me enough to stay? That last sentence sounds melodramatic, but that’s what it would boil down to. Whether or not he considers me good enough or if he loves me enough to go back to school down here rather than moving home and going back to school. He hates just about everything else about it down here, although I think he would like it better if he didn’t have to work all the time. And if he didn’t have to deal with fucking scumbags while he’s at work.

So after crying and sleeping on it, I still haven’t made up my mind. I realize that I will be fine if he leaves. I was fine before I met him, why would that change? I also have to remember that "I don’t know" doesn’t mean "Yes". He’s still thinking about what he wants to do, and I know that I’m a factor in his choice. And that if it wasn’t for me, that "I don’t know" would be a "Yes, I’m getting the fuck out of SC." There’s also a [very slim] chance that we could make it work even if he did leave. I could honestly see myself having a life with him in the future — marriage, kids, the whole deal. But I guess if it’s meant to be, it will be. I just wish I could push it to the back of my mind.

But the world’s ending on Saturday, so I guess none of this matters anyway.

*Happy note: I will have a link to my article soon. Yaaaay!

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And then he comes to pick me up for dinner with a dozen white roses just because he thought it would be nice.