something id really like to change about myself

Some people who don’t know me and then become my friend later, tell me that before they knew me, they thought I would be a bitch. Even those who know me well, tell me  that my outward appearance in public can make me seem unapproachable, intimidating, or mean. My own mother tells me that too. Of course I am none of those things! When I think about it though, If I am by myself with lots of people I don’t know, whether it’s at college or at the gym, I tend to feel uncomfortable and so I shut everyone else out and kinda create my own little world. I don’t make eye contact and I don’t smile. The only reason I don’t smile is because well, I’m focused on what I am doing, and I have nothing to smile about! Either way, for the longest time I just didn’t care if people saw me that way because they didn’t know me. Why should I care about what complete strangers think?

Well today at the gym I saw a really cute guy. He came over and sat down near me on the matt where I was stretching. I got nervous with him being so close, but at the same time I was hoping he would try to strike up a conversation with me. But like always, after a few minutes he got up from the matt and went elsewhere. Then I thought, even if he thought I was cute as well, why would he have talked to me? I made no eye contact whatsoever. I didn’t even look over at him when I knew he was there! I didn’t smile at him, I didnt say anything, nothing. Wow….could it be that is why I feel I am invisible to men all the time? It’s no wonder I never get hit on or asked on dates. I REALLY DO COME ACROSS AS A BITCH! I probably scare the shit out of people! This is the first time I actually payed attention to the way I act and thought about how I must come across.

Would I feel like talking to someone who doesn’t seem to give a shit that I’m there? Who looks very serious and doesn’t glance my way or say a thing? No…. and it’s not just about men. I am always open to make new girl friends too. I’d like to feel approachable by everyone!

So I am putting myself to the test. I am not going to look down from now on when someone smiles at me or glances my way and I am going to try and put on a more cheery relaxed face  instead of looking so serious all the time. Then I will see if something changes 🙂

I want people to look at me and think that I am the kind of person who I REALLY AM! A nice, fun, friendly person! Not a bitchy, snobby, too good for you person. Another challenge for me this year. YAY! haha. Goodnight diary.