what dreams may come

the other day i had a nice long conversation with my sister on the phone. she attended a workshop with her friend debbie ( we grew up with her family in kodiak ) for the unification church we used to be members of as children.

i wont get into that whole story of why our family left the church, but any who, pretty much all of the friends we grew up with and are close with still belong and it does not affect our relationships whatsoever. so i was very curious as too how her experience was during the workshop. she told me that she did not feel she wanted to join the church, and still does not believe in the same things, but she really had a deep spiritual experience in the way that she was really able to look at herself for the first time (objectively) and found that she didn’t like a lot of the things she saw. and it was a real shock to her!

now, we all go through this at one point in life or another. some choose to loath themselves, some choose to refuse to look at themselves and deny their imperfections, and some recognize these new observations and learn from them in order to create better relationships with people. 

so it makes me really proud to know that i have a sister who would rather take option 3. not that she wasnt ever in option one or two. i think we have all been there also at  one point in time. it is just a matter of who is willing to surpass those stages. it is really hard sometimes for people to be able to take criticism or to hear concerns from loved ones about things that aren’t particularly good. usually our defenses come up right away. but eventually we learn to listen, to see the situation as something to gain from, not to lose from.

 i really dont know what events happened that made her see herself in a new way, but i am really happy that she feels she has so much opportunity now to better herself as a person.

it always feels so great when that realization happens. its like this whole new world opens up. a lightbulb goes on and your like  "OH!"

well  i for one love it when i can learn something new about myself that i need to work on and develope more. its a challenge that will strengthen me as a person.  the more knowledge i can gain about myself from those around me, the better for my character. that is why i am such a lucky girl to have such honest and open friends. they really have had a huge impact on my spiritual growth.

that is one thing rachel said she loved about the workshop. everyone there was so spiritual and so full of god that it was just uplifting! and she might not have agreed with what was said during the sermens but still everyone there had something to share that she gained from in one way or another. it did not bother them that she wasnt a unificationist anymore and nobody tried to make her join or pressure her in any way. it was simply a bunch of kids spending time with god out in nature.

as she talked to me i actually became a little jealous. that is what i want. a regular bunch of people who have spiritual goals and good relationships with god that I feel I can connect with. I have tried going to church but it was too weird for me since people kept sayin id go to hell if i wasnt "saved" which I do not believe in. so I felt that I did not fit in anywhere.  there are no religious groups that i feel fit my needs. growing up, my family belonged to the unificationist church (the moonies) so that was all i knew, and when our family left, i had a big choice to make. and a lot of thinking to do. did i really believe in what the church was all about? or did i go along with it this entire time because it was what i was taught from a babe , and so i followed my parents footsteps? then i freaked out because i didnt know what i believed in and almost had a nervous break down.  

and then suddenly it dawned on me one day….why do I HAVE to believe in something? why limit myself to one belief system? and so i didnt. i was no longer a unificationist, i wasnt a christian, budhist, muslim, whatever….. i was me. it was me and god, and id find out the truth in the after life 🙂  I am a good person and god will not abandon me. that i truly believe. god would not abandob his children for any reason. no matter what ,he is there. it is us that abandons him. some people are so stuck in the negative that they can no longer feel him.
I do not believe that god is someone  to fear. nobody should be afraid of god. my opinion is that god does not judge or punish, he loves and understands. he allows us to make mistakes because that is what the beauty of human kind is. our imperfections, our ups and downs. about.   but that is only my opinion. With everything else i keep an open mind. 

past lives? who knows ,maybe! reincarnation? possible. sin? heaven and hell? who knows. many even many different levels of the spiritual realm? sure why not? i even thought (after watching what dreams may come) that it could be possible to create your own surroundings depending on where you are spiritually when you die. for instance, if you are full of remorse, anger, and bitterness when you leave the earth. would  your surroundings be dark and dreary? and every single religion makes perfect sense to those who believe in it. budhists are just as passionate about their religion as christians are about theirs. and so on and so on. who is to say that only ONE is right?

i think that maybe a strongly religious person might be more closed minded then others, because it seems most  are not able to see outside the box which is their own belief system. so then how do they manage in their daily lives? is everything black and white to them? is their no grey? i wonder and I think about these types of things all the time.

of course i have nothing against religious people. heck, everyone has the right to believe in whatever. It just  angers me when people are put down or pressured because of their beliefs.  that is why i feel uncomfortable going to church. i just would like a spiritually open minded group to get together with sometimes. *sigh* because i would like to create a deeper relationship with god. i just dont know how.  i do know that i feel closest to god when i am out in nature, out in his beautiful creation. i feel whole, and completely at peace. 🙂 and he definitely answers my prayers. prayer is such a strong thing. people dont even realize. its sending your energy out into the world for someone to recieve.

oh wow this entry is super super long so i think i will end it now. this is what happens when my my mind goes on a tirade lol.

goodnight diary