thoughts and more thoughts

so I’ve applied at the bowling alley bar, the comfort inn, fred meyers, costco, and the gig harbor ymca. I think I shall also apply at blondies, target, and home depot as well *shrugs* hopefully i hear back from someone by the end of the week!

Lately for some reason I’ve felt a little lonely. For the most part I am fine. I am not making effort to meet singles and go on dates *ew* i am sure that when the right time comes i will  meet someone in my own way coincidentally or spontaneously somehow.  

I think it’s because Megan and i have always been the single mingles. She would always meet the wrong men and i would comfort her by telling her about my bad experience with man and we would do our man hating together. lol  Of course I dont HATE men but you know what I mean. 

and then she met Jeff. and for the first time I saw a man that put megan first, that really felt he wanted to earn her respect and trust. He saw the megan I see every day. And soon he became her boyfriend. The first boyfriend she’s had since highschool. Why? Because she’s  picky just like me. But in a good way of course! we just want what any sane woman should want, someone who treats us the way we deserve to be treated. so we take our time and observe someones personality before we make any decisions.

And so when megan and jeff became an item i knew things would change. and they have! whenever i call her shes with jeff and i totally accept that 🙂 I am so  happy that she has finally found someone after all this time. and i think jeff is perfect for her in so many ways. but i cant help feeling a little like, my partner in man hating is gone and now i am all alone lol. im totally fine, just getting used to letting go a bit thats all. *shrugs*

🙂 and it gives me hope that maybe someday some guy i meet will look at me the way jeff looks at megan. sometimes i feel like i will never be able to find a man that can see past my exterior. i mean men will be men they cant help that, but it doesnt mean i  have to like it. men say all the time "well if she doesnt want people saying things like that then why does she wear the things she wears?" well for one thing i dont dress slutty and  i cant really HIDE the fact that I have big boobs! and another thing, just because i get stereotypical judgements about the way i look or nasty perverted comments frequently, doesnt mean i am going to go start wearing big baggy sweatshirts and hide myself! OH PLEASE! why should I give their comments power over me? i dont think so. this is the body god gave me and i should not have to be ashamed of it whatsoever. *sigh*

i just wish that i could find someone that would take the time to really get to know me because they see something in me that is worthy to persue. something about me that is unique or special to them and makes them want to win my heart. not someone who , instead,  just sees me as nothing more than a sexual fantasy. ugh. and so far that is all ive felt like i am to men. just someone to lust over. nothing special, nothing important, nothing more.  Because nobody wants to dig deeper and see who hannah really is.

if only i had really cared about trevor. trevor made me  feel like i was actually somebody. he made me feel like i was the only woman in the world. but we just never had that chemistry. at least he helped me get over my first love. i really thank him for that. but i’ve come to believe that the man i picture in my head is not going to show up for a very long time lol. and that’s fine with me! I actually prefer being single right now! i’ve only had one boyfriend in my life so i’ve gotten used to it ^_^ Also I’m not someone that depends on peoples company. I have frequent alone time with myself and feel quite comfortable. 

 A man in my life right now would just be a distraction from anything i’d want to do. what if i wanted to move to oregon this year? not saying i am but what if i wanted to? i’d be able to just pack up my things and go without worrying about a thing, but if i had a boyfriend or a love interest, that wouldn’t work would it? but then again if i was interested in someone id probably be too far gone to want to move. why am i even thinking about this? lol i am just randomly writing down my thoughts as they come one after another. i really surprise myself with how rediculous i can get sometimes. *shakes head*

well, tomorrow is just another day of job hunting!