hmmm

wow…
what started out as a normal convorsation with tony turned out to make me feel like i havent felt in a long time…
we just talked about random stuff as usual , jobs, futur plans, dumb shit haha, and then we went on webcam and made funny faces at eachother and then he just asked me things like "so how are you and trevor?" and i said "good, same as always. we both know its going to end soon" and i was like "why?" and hes like "oh just wondering"and then he goes "have i changed physically and personality like?" and i was like well yea. and then he was like "well what do you think about that?" i paused. looked at him funny and said "um if i was asked to jump, i wouldnt do it unless i knew why what where and when and every detail of the consequences of jumping lol and im the same with answering questions like that!" and he replies
"ok well then answer me this, are you interested in anyone other than trevor right now? i mean ANYONE?" and i felt weird because he put me on the spot askin me that question when he could plainly see the look on my face in the webcam. and i couldnt look at him and i couldnt just act all cool, because i wont lie, ive been thinkin about him a lot. so i was in this awkward situation. so i just said " tony , what if i dont feel like answering questions like that?" he replied "well then im just going to have to assume things then that may or may not be true" and i said "oh what like im secretly a lesbian? haha" and he said "no, that maybe its me you are interested in."
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i typed something and deleted it and typed something else and deleted it. and he could see from my face that i was uncomfortable.
he said "you dont have to answer if you dont want to but i am interested hannah and i just cant help but think that if we were in the same city right now that i would want to go for it. i want another chance."
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"im sitting here hoping you dont say something to hurt my feelings because you know, i do have feelings."

-ahh he was making me blush and feel all jittery and confused and what was this feeling? is this how i felt in the beginning with adriel? i dont know but it was definitely a familiar feeling and i couldnt decide whether i liked it or not. i mean i did like it but i just…i dunno!-

"tony im not going to say anything to hurt your feelings, but im not ready to say anything else ok? is that good enough? :-D"

he replied "actually no its not, because i just put myself out there and im feeling kinda awkward so it would be nice to have some backup here haha i mean, can you at least say something? just tell me if you feel the same…"

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another very very very long pause. he could see me contemplating. i looked down, i felt he could read me. i wanted to turn the cam off but that would have been rude. im not good with words so maybe it was better he saw how he was making me react. wow this is weird….

another long pause

"ok yea"
(a big grin from him on the screen)

"yes tony if we were in the same area IF we crossed paths and things would work then yes id give you another chance. id like that very much. there i said it."
(hes grinning the whole time )

"wipe that stupid smile off your face"

he said "i knew it! haha hannah come on see it wasnt that bad now was it? i feel better now that ive gotten it out dont you?"

"yea yea….just how long have you been thinkin about this? because really i had no clue until you started asking those questions…"

he replies "how long have you felt that way?"

"i asked you first dipshit cant you read?"

"god, bitch! lol ok ok. it all started when i first talked to you again after all this time, and i realized how much you changed, and i really liked the change in you that i saw. and how many things we had in common.we both want to be actors living in la and we both have gone through the same relationship experiences. i knew that if we ever got the chance it would be a fruitful relationship."

"well, you cant base how you like someone on compatibility alone tony! lol id say the first thing that really attracted me to you was your e-mail. you e-mailing me after 2 years and having the balls to apologize AGAIN lol showed me that for some reason you still had me on your mind and that i was still a friend worth fighting to keep, which made me feel important and definitely proved to me that you had changed."

and so now its awkward (at least for me) to know that he likes me and he knows i like him and we are friends. i mean its stupid. what if i never move to la and he does ? who knows whats going to happen? hes there and im here and well i guess whatevers meant to be. even if we ever did get together and break up it wouldnt be that bad because we already tore at eachothers throats already haha.

sigh. i feel like a teenager again. 🙂
<3