im so lonely, im so lonely, im so lonely

as i sit here on my bed i can hear the roar of trevors car as he returns home.i remember the instinct to run over and give him a kiss and a hello, but now i just get sad. i just got so attached because he gave me everything i wanted, everything i craved, and that craving never went away, i always wanted to hear the words, wanted to feel his touch, but i could not return the same words or feelings. i needed it though, i needed to be loved as selfish as it sounds. in truth, everyone craves it, to be desired, wanted, loved, seen as a good person. i wish he was everything for me. it wasnt who he was, it was just who he wasnt. i needed long convorsations about nothing and everything. i needed heated discussions and disagreements. i needed adventures together and spontaneousness and jokes and  laughter. i needed times where we didnt have to act all boyfriend and girlfriendly and just be good ol friends and laugh and hang out like regular. it was always mushy mushy with him. if we werent talking about the issues with people that surround us or work or what we did that day, then we didnt talk about anything. not religion, or dreams, or goals, or imaginitive stuff. he didnt want to come play in the snow with me the one time it snowed, but that just wasnt him. he was great though, and sure knew how to make me feel wonderful. i miss that feeling of a warm body beside me at night, someone caressing my shoulders with light kisses. i wish i could have it all. someone by my side each day, yet i could do what i pleased and everything would be fine, nobody had to get hurt. but life doesnt work that way. cant have the milk unless you buy the cow. thats how my friend cara puts it haha. trevor called me this morning and told me that the door was still open on his side and that he will always have a place for me in his heart….and then he hung up. that brought me back to feelings i had when i first got my heart broken. it made me realize how seriously attached he really was. i never meant to hurt him like i got hurt, but i didnt see it coming. i thought i had ended things in time, but i was so stupid. its been a whole year. he had plenty of time to get attached, but he always said that he would be fine if i left and not to worry. he never wanted to hold me back from anything i wanted to do and i was greatful for that, but i hurt him. and so , i did something for him that was not done for me, i wrote him a short letter telling him that the door was closed on my side, and that i would not be coming back. i wanted him, but i did not and could not love him the same and that i needed him to get over me because i did not want to be responsible for him not being able to give his whole heart to someone. someone who would put him first in life and in love.
that way i left him no chance of wondering, waiting, hoping, longing, the way i did for more than 2 years. i wish that the person who hurt me would have told me that they didnt love me, couldnt love me, or told me the reason why they stopped caring. they never actually told me they loved me, but they sure led me to believe it. but i never knew, and that question always haunted me. i didnt want that to haunt trevor. he deserved better.
i thought id feel better after i ended things with trevor, but i feel numb, and sad, and all i want to do is be in his arms again, i just keep reminding myself its for the wrong reasons. i just wonder when this feeling will pass. maybe then i’ll feel better.
ever since i left myspace ive been feeling cut off from everyone for the first time. the next time i return home there will be nobody there to greet me. just the beauty of my home, and the memories of people who have become strangers to me. sometimes i feel that the more time passes, the more people forget me and the less friends i have in the world. its funny how when i first moved, i thought that i would always have friendship and support from those who i left, but now it seems  the only people who care are the new friends i discovered. of course, aika and wendy will always be my friends, and tamara, i wish i had gotten to know you better, i wish i had a chence, because above everyone you have been one to care the most. you actually give a shit to read my diary entries haha. thank you for that. i feel at least one person wants to know how im doing in the world. im going to stop typing because im just depressing myself. i need to get away, and soon, i cant stand staying in one place.
Hannah