2/12/07

yah so about that entry before, yea they are my true feelings obviously, but whenever i see him and hug him and he tells me everything that makes me smile i just forget about thinking that i should break up with him. i mean , he already knows i will choose my career opportunities over him, and that time has to come sooner or later, but i still feel bad. but the feeling comes and goes. for the first time in a while i just dont know what to do. i guess ill just wait until i know for sure what is the right decision. he makes me happy, so why should i end things? i make him happy, he makes me happy, but what if he gets too attached? he told me yesterday that hes not too attached and that he can make it on his own if needed be, but that he loves me enough to stay with me for as long as he can because he loves me. personally i think he is more in lust than love. more of an infatuation,  because i am different from any girl he has ever dated because of my innocence and because im actually going to school, getting good grades, and i have a good head on my shoulders. i dunno he just always talks about how good of a girl i am and how different i am and how much more respect he has for me than for the other girls he has dated, etc…its constant praise that just makes me wonder if he is repeating that to himself and to me because he is trying to convince himself that is why he should stay with me. i dont know….sigh. i can never really tell what he is thinking but he reads me like a book. oh wells. i stress myself out. any who  i guess adriel and i are really no longer friends because i cant depend on him anymore. i was really stressed out the other night and i just needed to talk to him to just let some stuff out reason and when i texted him to see if he was up he just said "no" so i replied " fine, i didnt want to talk to you either" and he didnt respond so obviously he doesnt consider me a friend anymore. he never e-mails, never textes, and never calls. If he doesnt want to be my friend anymore then why doesnt he just say so? why is he being such a coward? we have known eachother for so long and i dont think i did anything to really make him not want to be my friend, but if i did i wish he would let me know. why can he talk to everyone else and not me? i dont get it. gawd some ppl suck. i thoughtt that i had real true friends other than aika and wendy but it turns out that the two people that used to talk to me all the time (adriel and wayne) are no longer there, and nobody else ever makes effort to keep in touch with me. i feel like the next time i go home i will have nobody to return to.
Hannah